To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

I think you need to put a bit more effort in. Make sure you have some 1-1 time reading or playing every day. I would also spend one morning or afternoon every weekend on a fun outting with him 1-1. Take him to the park or to mcdonalds, anywhere that he would enjoy and focus on talking to him and following his lead.

How does your DH feel about the situation?

I had a similar experience, except I had DH fully onboard. He would take the youngest so I could do fun stuff with the oldest. He would challenge any negative comments about me and also any ‘but I want Daddy’ comments from the oldest.

I think we have managed to turn the situation around so it’s more balanced but it took both of us to do it.

I went through a similar thing with my eldest. There was a history of pnd and I felt that they genuinely didn't like me and preferred dad.

But over the years we have become really close, we have an amazing relationship. If you are able to do things for just the two of you, going out places, getting an ice-cream somewhere etc.

Can you spend even a little time each day with your three year old one to one? Let him lead the play but be prepared to offer something …
one to one time of even a few minutes is helpful for bonding.

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds so heartbreaking. I had two close together and experienced my eldest pushing me away. We needed 1 on 1 time but he wouldn’t tolerate it in the house if anyone else was there so I had to take him out every day, even just to the supermarket for ten mins, even if he wold have preferred to stay home with dad. He needed to be reminded that I was still available to him, and to be reminded of our relationship. We needed to get back into our groove. Your little guy loves you. Your relationship just needs an opportunity to be nurtured, but you need to spend time together to do that x

You are talking about your 'effort' of ONE year of trying. So you are whinging about a 2 year old who hasn't adapted after a year? Honestly you need to get a grip. I thought you were talking about a much older child. Get over yourself. He was a 2yo when life got tricky, he got displaced a bit and he didn't understand that: he needs time and lots of patience from you. And if that takes longer than a year then so be it.

I think the 3yo is the DS and there's a 2nd baby now a year old .

From what I can gather just the two children ?

Right fine. So give up on him then. Be aunt of course at 3 his 3 year old choices and preferences are so set in stone and mature that it marks the way for his whole life.
Grow the heck up OP.

You are being massively melodramatic and to be honest you sound quite petty.

I promise I am not saying that to be horrid, but I think you need to take a really honest look at your behaviour towards your 3 year old.

You describe things in a "going through the motions" with him way and whether they understand the full ramifications or not they do understand how that behaviour makes them feel.

He is clearly feeling continually rejected, and making excuses that no one can have baby because ds prefers them to you is absolute bollocks and defeatist.

He is 3 ffs. Stop attaching adult behaviours to a child who a year ago was just a baby themselves.

You need to stop acting in this poor hard-done by me way and start stepping up and being there for both children.

Stop finding excuses and start prioritising him from time to time.

It will take time. It took a year to get to this point. But he will come round once you genuinely show you love hi. Instead of just faking it and providing for his basic needs which I am afraid to say is how you have presented your behaviour here.

Being a mum is bloody hard work, but being a baby who has had his monopoly on his primary carer stolen by a new baby is way harder!!!!

You clearly want to do a better job or you wouldn't have posted here. So please I implore you, stop being defensive and emotive about what people are saying and read it properly when you are calmer and ready to take the advice and hard truths being presented to you.

Honestly, this is not a reflection on your sons behaviour to you, he is mirroring your behaviour to him. Please please see that.

Gently, I think you sound like you're struggling and potentially using the relationship with your 3yo as a scapegoat. Can you speak to your GP or HV about mental health help? For both you nd your children I think it would be worth considering. Sorry some of the responses have been........a lot. Ngl, my first thought was "eww what kind of mum thinks that about a child that age?" but then I realised, nah, she's a freaking human being who yeah, maybe messes up sometimes or has bad days but a rough bedtime, run of sleepless nights, whatever, that provokes a moment you're not proud of is nothing to shame. So yeah you've admitted you've just had a hard bedtime and it's making you feel like this but (maybe hard for some posters to believe) you're not a terrible mum for doubting yourself and your ability to form/maintain a relationship with your 3yo now there's the baby who's changed the dynamic.

Im gonna go and hide now because Ithis is probably worded shittily and i fully expect hate for it but idgaf).

I mean this kindly op but how has your mental health been in general since having a second baby? You don't have to awnser me but it might be worth speaking to your health visitor or GP if you think you need some help.

If you love your child and want a relationship with him you can absolutely build on what you already have with him as he grows up. He won't even remember being 3 as an adult.

I know it's hard but I'd try and carve out some time for you to spend together each week without the baby, take him out on your own while someone else has the baby on a regular basis. It could be as simple as a walk to feed the ducks and them home again once a week.

I have an only child so I don't know what it's like to have a child struggle after a new baby, but I found 3 the hardest age in general. Mine definitely did terrible three's instead of terrible two's! But it wasn't permanent.

@Notsureaboutitall

there’s a book you need called ‘Calm Parents, Happy siblings ’ by Dr Lisa Markham that will really help you.

it explains what’s going on and will
give you lots of practical guides to how to deal with it and ideas to over time turn it around.

i disagree with others that he should be corrected or told off, unless he’s being violent to you.

even then it’s ’we Don’t kick people’ not ‘don’t kick me’ or ‘done kick mummy’

you need to find a way to grey rock a lot of what he’s saying and let it roll off you. Anything else gives it too much power.

others are right you need to spend one on one time with him.

but when you say ‘anyone that would have the baby he’ll prefer them to me’

it’s not his choice. You are the adult and the parent.

dont seek his validation

so its ‘the baby is going for a walk with granny so I can play in the playground with you’

if you wait for him to say he WANTS that, yes you might wait forever.

he NEEDS you, and he’s showing just how much in his rejection.

once granny has left he can choose the game, even if the game is ‘I don’t want mummy’ the first 10 times.

get the book OP. Read it with your husband and make a plan together

i agree the advice from the poster who adopted. He’s rejecting you because he’s hurting. So you have to persevere through his fear and hurt which may take time to unravel

Your 3yr old is still just a baby himself. You sound very fatalistic and not entirely rational about the whole thing. Children have phases - many. Maybe you need a bit of a break and some time to recoup.

He's a boy and he's 3yrs old - his Dad is like Batman to him!

When my nephew was young we were really close. I looked after him alot, even from as young as 6weeks old (no issues my SIL was just very - I need a break for a couple of hours). I was young myself, just 19yrs old, but he couldn't have been in safer hands with me. I loved the bones off him.

Anyway, we were super close. Then I got a boyfriend and honestly my nephew just ditched me 😂he couldn't have cared less about me. My boyfriend was a tradesman and my nephew just thought this was epic (thanks bob the builder!). 2 yrs later and the relationship ended and we had to break it to my nephew who was devastated. He was just 5yrs old at this point and after he stopped crying he said to me - 'you don't want to be friends with Dave? Was he mean to you?' and I said, 'a bit, we fell out so I'm not his friend anymore, but he's still your friend'. To which my nephew said, 'Well, I'm not his friend anymore either then'.

Anyway, this is really just a convulated way of saying - your his Mum. He's likely going through a Daddy hero stage, he can give you all the bad side because your his Mum and when push comes to shove - your his Mum.

A younger sibling doesn't change that. It may just have intensified something that was possibly inevitably going to happen (a bit of Daddy worship) but I have alot of friends with first boy sons who have or who are going through similar and feeling a bit teary eyed rejected.

Think some of the replies are unhelpful, you need building up and remotivating - not taking down. Being rejected by your child is not easy, it might be perfectly normal but we're human, not made of stone. But there's loads of really good advice and empathy in the thread too. Focus on that.

I'm guessing you wrote this because you're hurting as much as you are frustrated. It's understandable to have a "this will never get better" moment (we all have them - I had one today after an epic toddler meltdown - I was feeling very sorry for myself) but I hope it's just that - a moment - after the end of a hard day.

Say to yourself - alright lad, you might not like me but I love you, so show me your worse, whatever you got, because I'm going to keep showing up for you'.
Repeat that a million times a day in your head, until you feel that strong and at some point, I promise he's gonna melt in your arms because all he wants is his Mum.

Remember at 3yrs old they're after independence and him seeing his Mum with a baby might be him associating you with 'babies go to Mum' - in 3yr old speak 'I'm not a baby, xyz is the baby, xyz cuddles with Mummy, not me because I'm not a baby'. If that makes sense?

Soften up a bit and don't resign yourself to anything. No matter what - he is still your baby.

I mean this kindly but it is that simple. There are things your 3 year old ‘won’t like’ but you just breezily crack on. Daddy has to pop out with the baby but we can play your favourite game while they’re out / bake a cake / whatever they like doing. Daddy is upstairs working so mummy will make you lunch. Just keep reinforcing these messages. It may take some tries but toddlers thrive on routine and they will get used to it. Just like, if you shrug and say ‘they don’t like me’ and defer to daddy each time they will get used to that. It may feel easier to just give in but you need to keep a United front.

There have been a lot of responses and not possible for me to keep up with them all.

I need to reiterate I am not saying I’m going to leave him or even change anything in how I am with him. He’s always been comforted when he cries, he’s always been read stories to, taken out to places, had toys and songs and TV (yeah, I know.) But I thought he’d ’come back’ in a sense - he hasn’t. I am now thinking he maybe won’t. I don’t mean we won’t love one another but I am conscious because of how things are it’s as if DH has one child and I have the other.

I was also wondering about post natal depression too. The train of your thoughts are fixated on how things may never be changed forever, even though he is just 3. That sounds like depression talking.

My DS was a very, very difficult child when he was little - was extremely hyperactive and would call me the most vile names. I had times when I struggled to feel a connection with him at all. Now, he is teenage and our relationship is very different. It’s warm and loving. He fixes stuff, cooks, cleans, we share jokes etc. I had to put in a lot of work on his behalf and things slowly turned around.

They say you should spend a minimum of 10 to 15 minutes on one on one time per day to improve the relationship and behaviour. I would focus on just doing that, given you have a baby. Your partner could have the baby for bonding work at their end. You could take your DS to the playground or read to him at night. I would start on things that you can do just being there to begin with and then gradually work toward more emotional interaction. Reading to them is ideal because you can put feeling into the words of the book without anticipating rejection from him.

Another tip I found helpful when I felt the most disconnected with DS. I pretended I was his paid carer, doing the jobs my employer expected me to do. The actions come first and the feelings catch up.

Don’t give up hope. My eldest at this age was hysterical if apart from me, it was upsetting for my husband. He continued to love and care for her but tried not to force it. As she got older I started to talk to her about it and how much Daddy loves her. Slowly she came around and now you’d never know it happened! It took a few years but we got there.

I think you've been given a really tough time on here!

My almost 3 year old is like this with her dad, more so since DC2 was born. Always shouting "I want mummy" "I love mummy" "mummy do it" "no not you, mummy". Never wants to play with him or have him do anything for her. It's really hard for him and he feels so rejected daily. I keep telling him it's a phase and normal and will pass but I see how much it affects him so you have my sympathies

How much time do you spend with him on his own?

Consistently. Not like a one off here and there.

Bloody hell, get a grip OP and stop taking a small developmental stage so personally. He’s 3, yes only THREE! He’s a bit jealous of his sibling but it’s not the end of the world, stop being so dramatic by implying that your relationship is forever doomed. Start by having regular fun 1:1 time with him while your partner takes the baby so your focus is 100% on your older one.

I don’t think I have PND.

It isn’t so much that I think things will be like this forever - I know they won’t be as nothing in parenting is - but bonding comes from spending time - enjoyable time - with one another. At the moment we aren’t bonding particularly because we don’t really get that. It’s very difficult to change that. DS may suddenly decide he wants me rather than dad but the more his dad does for him the more he wants his dad. It’s a tough one and I’m not sure how to go forwards.

I say this as a mum of two under two with each child preferring one parent over the other...

With kindness OP, you need professional help. You're deciding this on the basis of the wants of a three year old?! You're letting a three year old decide the parameters of your relationship. You're basically saying alright mate, it's been a year, I've tried but you don't like me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Grow up, make an effort (beyond cooking for him and buying him toys and feigning "but how?!" when 1 on 1 time is suggested) and stop being a bit pathetic. This is really very sad. You're giving up on your child here whether or not you want to realise that.

Tell me you haven’t read the thread without telling me you haven’t read the thread

Honestly OP it will swap over the years, back and forth a few times no doubt. My friend is going through it as her daughter gravitated to her dad when DD2 was born. I’ve told her it will change over time. I know it’s hurtful, but you can’t write off a lifetime of a relationship at 3yrs old. Don’t even think that.