To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

I agree that his dad needs to start spending more time with the baby so you can spend more one-on-one time with your 3 year old. Can you find something regular that is your thing for the 2 of you?

My friend's daughter wasn't at all fond of her dad from around 2-4 , would complain if he sat next to her, referred to him as 'brother's name dad'. Then the dad changed his work so they'd have a few hours post kindy (& pre school pick up) one day a week together and now they are very close.

If you take advice from one post on this thread, make it this one ^

It’s hard to come to that conclusion when they are just 3 years old. 3 year olds are pretty temperamental and do not show emotions like we do as adults.

My 3 year old was distant with me at times but it was because I worked and she spent lots of time with grandma. But I never for a second believed that it was detrimental to our relationship long term.

Your child will change and you still have so much to teach them and there is an opportunity to build that relationship.

Now if your child was 10 and you had written this post - I would be concerned, but it’s not too late to have a relationship.

He's THREE, I think you need to chill out tbh. There are many days that my teen doesn't like me I'm sure, but I know he loves me and knows that I love him and want what's best for him.

This 🙌🏻

Easy, dad has baby and you take your DS out for the day. Why is that not possible?

Give him big boy privileges that the baby isn’t allowed because he’s not a special big boy.
Love bomb him, even if he shrugs you off or walks away, keep love bombing.

OP, I’m sorry but you really do need to listen to - and act upon - constructive advice that is being offered by the majority of posters here. Try different types of 1-1 time, perhaps until your find your special ‘thing’, whether that’s baking, gardening, swimming, etc. Are there any activities that you both enjoy? Keep the energy positive, and reinforce how much you love him whenever possible. There is some really great advice on here about how to manage that with a newborn in tow. Also yes to DH addressing any rudeness directed towards you by DS1.

Perhaps you’re just having a particularly rough evening and therefore not paying as much attention to tone/ language, but reading your posts has made me feel so incredibly sad. As many others have said, your current attitude is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that could have really severe lasting implications - not just for his relationship with you, but also his self-perception as he gets older.

I am wishing all the best for you and your family, and I sincerely hope you are able to find a way through your current mindset.

You are taking this way too personally and this will be reflected in your interactions with him. While you are moping about this, and no doubt using the child who you see DOES want you and DOES need you for comfort/reassurance, he is absorbing all of it.
To have simply given up will also set the boundaries of your relationship with your DS. Don't ever fall in to the trap of your child "is too young to know..." "to young to understand" etc. They always, always feel what is going on around them, they often just can't articulate it.
You DO need one on one time with him and YOU need to make it happen. Not make excuses as to why you can't. That's also not something he gets to dictate. You should not be blaming your child for the state of your relationship with him. He is 3. That blame will be felt and there is no way to know how that will shape him if it goes unchecked

I'm also curious as to whether your second child is a daughter?

You sound like a petulant child in all
of your responses.
He’s just a tiny child. Keep on reassuring him
over and over and over again, because that’s your job.

My mother had the same attitude. Even now she blames me for being detached to her as a child. The truth is she never showed me affection, was critical of me, but always, even now 40 years later excuse younger sibling's bad behaviour because they are the younger one.

This is a very sad thread.

OP, it seems you just aren't in a place right now to look at this with clarity. OK, you've had some shitty and unhelpful replies. But you've also had some solid advice that you're just not engaging with and you've been combative from the off. You sound defeated but haven't really said what you've tried so far so that people can offer any meaningful advice.

You have a DH on the scene. You therefore have the option to spend 1:1 time with your son if you prioritise it and choose it. If you can enlist GPs then that's even better because it gives you even more opportunities. You need to persistently love bomb this kid. He needs quality time with you every single day. No baby, just the two of you for 10 mins doing something HE loves like colouring or a puzzle or playing in the garden. You need regular trips out, just the two of you and no baby, to the park or the swimming pool or the library or wherever he loves to go. It doesn't matter that you think he prefers DH or whoever else is watching the baby, because he's 3 and he's not making the decisions about who is talking care of him at any given moment. You are, because you are the adult.

On a day to day basis, you also need to be mindful of the way he is perceiving his place in relation to the baby. For example are you saying things like "I can't XYZ with you right now because I'm feeding/changing etc the baby" or (in his eyes) blaming the baby for him not having the attention he wants from you? Try and reword it in a way that doesn't feel to him like he's being pushed aside. If he's getting into trouble a lot, I'd probably also let lots of stuff fly for now. If he feels he's constantly being shouted at or reprimanded then that won't help. I'd just distract and redirect, and pick my battles. Make sure your interactions with him are overwhelmingly positive.

It's probably not going to be a quick resolution so you need to dig deep and be prepared to stick at it.

OP at this age he really doesn't have the emotional capacity to dislike you, and I'm positive he doesn't. They really pick up on energy at this age and I think you should just try to relax a bit and remember his brain is about 20 years off being fully formed! Kids really do go through stages and all you can do is spend time with him one on one, without the baby, even just for a few hours a week, and really try not to worry. My DD goes through stages of being an absolute Daddy's girl and ordering me out the room etc but it comes and goes. Don't be sad. You are his world, trust me.

He's three. Of course things will change.

You sound pretty ambivalent about your relationship with him. I think you need to look at how to change things and, if you can't find away, please get some professional help.

OP, I'm not sure if you're skewed by hormones or something right now, but this whole thread sounds emotionally immature on your part. He's very small and things can change. You've a long future ahead together, I'm not sure why you'd decide to pack it up and accept it now.

I don't honestly see why that's a problem. Surely the more other people look after the baby while you look after your DS, the more secure he will feel with you and the more he will come to see that you aren't preferring the baby to him? If the reality is that you never hand over the baby to anyone else, it's not surprising DS feels pushed out.

Bold of you to assume however that on mumsnet, it wasn't about to have been suggested 😁

Just wanted to say I am in a similar situation, however not quite as severe as yours due to a large age gap between mine, so the oldest is able to understand and express himself.

I'm mentally exhausted having 2 children even with a 9.5year age gap, mostly due to DS2 still being a terrible sleeper, working and limited childcare.

If you're struggling to get 1:1 time I would say get someone to take baby out for a walk and leave you and toddler together or get your partner to take baby out for a walk at the weekend, try not to give any warning so 3 year old isn't trying to join the walk. Obviously he may have a tantrum the 1st few times but it should get easier.

Or if you have the opportunity take him to the park or for a walk. Maybe try a new thing that only the two of you do- go and feed the ducks followed by a hot chocolate/babychinno

Take his lead with play or books. If he ignores you then start playing nearby quietly or read aloud to yourself as it may catch his interest. Do bathtime ir something fun.

He's obviously not adjusted well to the new addition but it's so important to try and get that bond back.

Surprise he each day with a big cuddle and kiss when he's not expecting it. Sometimes a bit of rough and tumble on a bed can be quite fun, let him crawl then pull him back by his legs and tickle etc

Lots of small things make a big difference.

Obviously the baby will get more attention, do you think you give the baby more kisses/cuddles than your 3yr old? do you actively give 3yr old affection without him seeming to ask for it? Does he get involved with the baby much?

If you're exhausted or mentally drained, you might not be giving your 3 year old enough affection/attention. It's almost as if his reaction of ignoring you is his way of protecting himself from being rejected/not having his emotional needs met. I don't mean this to offend, just trying to think of a way to explain his behaviour.

I know this doesn’t feel good, you have my sympathies.
My daughter always preferred her father, for years! She would scratch and hit me, when it was just the 2 of us, just because I wasn’t him! I am not going to lie, it was tough. The thing is, i understood why. He was more playful, very young at heart, liked playing with her. My personality is more serious, I don’t really like playing, but I did my best and held in there. I had some health conditions that impacted energy levels and ability to get down on the ground which obviously didn’t help. Now she is 12 and things are much better. My strengths are chatting to her, being her advocate, I listen to her chat for hours! She complains he is always on his phone and doesn’t listen to . I feel like this is my time!!

The truth is, he was better at meeting her needs as a young child, regarding caring and physical play and I feel more confident in the tweens/teens world of emotions and drama. I think together we have done ok, so far, which is all you can do really.

Good luck, hang in there, this is far from over, it has hardly begun 💜

Please don't give up on your 3 year old. He loves you, he may not show you in the way that you're expecting but he does. If you give up on him, you risk sending the message to him that you don't love him as much as the baby. Keep trying however long it takes. As parents, we love our children and express that love unconditionally.

Threads like this remind me why some people shouldn’t have kids. Can you imagine if this was a dad writing? Throwing his toys out the pram and sulking because one of his children appeared to prefer mum? At 3??? 3??? A tiny tiny toddler??? Who doesn’t have the maturity to make decisions about ‘preferences’. He would rightly be harpooned.

Poor poor little boy.

This is the thing I handled worst in all of my experience as a parent and I still feel bad about it today. When our second child arrived I completely failed to understand the impact on the older child and why they seemed to have changed so much in their behaviour/attitude. I was by turns upset/cross/sad/despairing and I didn't deal with it well, sometimes losing my temper as you say you did. Only much later did I realise how my older one had felt and that their reaction was completely normal. Your older child is just 3 so I think you don't need to make the same mistakes I did. If you just accept how they are at the moment and that it is normal it will pass and you will have a great relationship with them in the future. Good luck!

Gosh, he's 3. 4 at a push as a COVID baby.

My son is 5 and it's very obvious he's got a flavour of the day, week, month for his favourite person and nothing we do makes a lick of difference to sway it.

That's just how kids are.

All you can do is make sure you give him an equal and fair amount of attention and stop taking it personally.

He's practically still a baby himself. He doesn't do logic yet. He can't be reasoned with because his brain isn't developed enough.

All he knows is his dad can meet his needs right now and is a safe bet, even though you can do it just as well.

You sound like you might have more going on postnatally if you feel at such odds and ends with your child that you've developed such black and white thinking that you'll never have a good relationship because your little boy prefers daddy to mummy right now, which is completely normal.

Oh come on, he's 3 ffs!!! You've got one hell of a way to go to 18 - and beyond!!!

When I had #2, my health visitor described it as feeling for your firstborn the way it would feel for you if your DH moved another woman into the home.

You need to give more attention to your older child so he doesn't feel pushed out by the new arrival. My 2nd practically lived on the kitchen worktop for the first few months to keep my 1st from poking her eyes out!! My 2nd wasn't disadvantaged in any way.

You reached out to ask for advice - and you want to hide the thread? Seriously, grow up.

This happened to me when my eldest was 3 and I had my 2nd DS. It was temporary and adjusting to the new baby. I'm happy to say he told me recently he considers me to be hid best friend. He id now 34. I felt rejected when I had my 2nd child and wondered if I would have a good relationship with him again but it worked out. I think he was jealous and felt replaced by hid brother. I'm sure you will get it back x