To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

No one is suggesting you put the baby back

DC2 has a preference for me. Yes, it's hard for his dad. That doesn't mean they'll never have a relationship or that DP should give up. One-on-one time has made the biggest difference. Can you find times to be just with your oldest and do fun things together? Are there things you especially like to do together?

@Wadermellone I put OK because we did have a difficult start in some ways - he was a Covid baby - and I stressed about a load of stuff I shouldn’t have stressed about (I realise it’s possible this falls into the same category.) But I’m pretty sure he loved me. He certainly didn’t want anyone other than me when tired or upset or similar. Unfortunately now when he’s tired or upset he wants anyone BUT me.

He is THREE 😂

This is the kind of behaviour from a child who feels rejected due to new sibing and is scared of more rejection so rejects you. He didn't ask for a sibling and you are the adult parent in this scenario. Stop taking it personally and work on your connection. Schedule regular one to one time where you delight in him and your connection will improve. If you accept you won't have a good connection now (which is really unfair as he is so young and a child not an adult) then yoy.wont have a good connection. Fight for a good relationship with your son. I'd recommend reading the Book You Wish your parents had read.

My dd was the same when dd2 came along, it didn't last and we're closer than ever now and they're close as sisters.

@Notsureaboutitall what you do is remember he is 3, his life is changed when his sibling was born and he is growing up every single day. Changing every single day. And with that at 3 comes challenging behaviour.

then you give him time, the relationship I have with mine at 14 and 11 is completely different.

and you remember you are the adult and keep your emotions incheck

I realise that, but when people say

The problem is he feels pushed out because of the baby. Agreed.

So do something about it … like …?

I can’t turn back time. As gorgeous as the baby is I do wonder sometimes if I knew how dramatically DS would have rejected me would I have made the same choice? I’m fairly sure I would but I do wonder.

Op, when I read the title I thought your child would be at least in his teens are early adulthood, not a 3 year old.
Honestly just keep showing him affection spend one to one with him. Never give up on your child. Doesn’t matter if his dad is favourite, just be happy they have a good relationship.

Get a grip. He's 3. A new baby turns a toddlers world upside down and you're all woe is me he just doesn't like me I guess we just don't get on rather than accepting he's just adjusting to a massive change in his tiny life. You're being absolutely ridiculous and if you end up not having close relationship with him forever because you gave up on him when he had trouble adjusting to a sibling when he was little more than a baby himself that's entirely on you. I can't believe an adult actually wrote this.

Not choosing you when he's tired or upset isn't the same as not loving you. You weren't there to be his primary person for a bit, so you aren't his primary person right now. You can be the best secondary person, and you can be available for if he does switch back to you.

How long, though? I sort of expected it initially but it’s been ages now.

I honestly have tried and of course I’ll continue trying. I’m not suggesting here I ‘give up’ parenting him. But if I’m doing all the ‘right’ things and he still doesn’t really want me there does come a point where I do have to accept that’s just how things are. It’s shit but a lot of things are!

@Everydayimhuffling i know but it is a bit more than that. Anyway, I’m just sounding off really. Have had a difficult bedtime and it’s upset me quite a lot.

He does like you, he loves you. Your his mum

I had a 2 year gap between my 2 and my eldest HATED the baby. Hated him. She went from being the centre of my attention 24/7 to having to share me with a tiny noisy little thing, plus I was shattered from his every 2 hour feeds so on top of that she had a mum with PND too. Which I had for well over a year

I dont know what you've tried so far but this is what I did which really helped

If both needed me at the same time, I would switch it up who I attended to first and I would always say to the baby "hold on baby, I'm just doing blah blah for DD, I'll be with you in a minute"

I would massively big up DD to the baby and tell the baby how funny, clever, kind DD was.... she absolutely loved it. I said nice things about her loudly when she was out of the room to the baby too so she could hear

I was exhausted all the time, it was so draining so everyday was not magical at all and some days we were all just lucky we were fed but I did try to spend someone 1 to 1 with DD when baby was asleep

I didnt have a support system it was just us 3 so it was difficult. Mine are 9 and 7 now and I always look back at that first year of my youngest life and it makes me really sad I was so depressed throughout it

Try and be a little kinder to yourself hes only 3 theres no way he doesnt like you or love you

@Notsureaboutitall do you have one to one time at all with him when someone else takes the baby? I was attachment as it went with DS (second) breast fed, coslept et buy DH always took him to make sure DDand I had one to one time. Alternated DD bedtimes etc

My 2 year old said this to me today and we don't even have another child and no plans to either. He sometime will even tell me to go to another room so it's just him be his dad and become really upset when I don't. It's a real kick in the teeth so I know how disheartening it can be.

It's a phase. He will come around. Part of being a parent is accepting that your children might go through phases like this. It's tough and hurtful for you, but it would be frankly ridiculous and a big mistake to allow yourself to think that this means you will never have a good relationship with him. He's 3. He's barely on page 1 of his life. You will be his mother for the rest of your life. A lot will change over the next few years.

Oh he's 3. Yeah just accept it then. There'll be no winning him round, they know their own mind and are generally reasonable by 3.

Ah, love, it's still REALLY early days.
As baby gets older you as a physical being will be easier to share with your older one. Baby will not need you so much, therefore you will have more available time/energy. Plus they will interact with each other more.
I read your title and thought you were talking about a teenager!
Give it time
You are their Mum, they love you.

You have to keep trying - forever - I don’t think me and my eldest will be that close but he’s a teenager but it doesn’t stop me loving the bones of him and trying.

Have you seen your GP or Health Visitor to be checked for post natal depression?
It might be worth talking to someone if you can, as it seems like you're struggling and need some help maybe? It's super hard going from one to two children and we are susceptible to ppd for far longer then the 6 weeks the NHS suggests we are!

This either isn't real or you're taking it way too personally. If it is real, chin up, spend some quality time with him, and stop stressing!

Three year olds are unreasonable little asshats looking at you DS1. This won’t be forever
OP

i can relate to this feelings. I found the book Calm Parents, Happy Siblings: How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life
very helpful. You will get there. Make some routines that are just you and him if you can, where he knows he has your full attention and you do an activity he enjoys. You will get there. I think it is really common at this age and it sounds like today you are just worn out by it, so look after yourself.

We're in the same boat, my 6yo has always preferred her dad & now we have a 19 month old DS who is alllll for me.

My 6 yo actually said to me last week that aren't we lucky that one kid likes dad better and one kid likes mum better 😂😂

I've made peace with it but I know she loves me deep down