To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

He's 3.

He won't even remember a time before his sibling before long. My children have gravitated towards different parents at different points. My teenage daughter prefers her dad. It can hurt if you take it personally or just be happy for what a lovely relationship they have.

I'm away on holiday with two of my children. Aged 23 years and 25 years. At 3 years one of them didn't like me. At 4 years they didn't like me as much as their dad, at 5 years they didn't like me as much as other people. Right now it's fine. Chill a bit, love your child. Do your best. What else can we do?

To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

He is only 3 OP. Stop thinking like this and being so defeatist. 3 is a difficult age anyway and when you throw COVID and a new baby into the mix, it’s always going to be tough. Get someone to take the baby out one day and you and your eldest have some quality time. Really focus on being with him, playing, no distractions. Yes he may be raging at you for having a baby but he loves you, it won’t be forever.

Maybe speak to your Health Visitor or GP if you really can’t get out of this mindset, as it sounds a bit like depression.

Honestly they change, have 2 ds's eldest is now nearly 6 and youngest 3 and I would say eldest generally prefers me now but youngest is generally all about Daddy!! Think it's an age and novelty thing I'm the boring one that's around all the time and has lots to do whilst I have them and Daddy just plays with them and isn't around as much. Make time for the eldest and send DH off with the youngest for a bit at weekends etc. it does get easier I promise, I thought I would always be my youngests favourite as he was such a mummies boy!!!

If that’s yhe stance he takes it will be

’yeah I love my mum but it’s always been clear she didn’t really like me. She loves me. But doesn’t like me as a person. She always preferred my sibling’

You seem resigned to it, so that exactly what it will be like.

But why wouldn’t you do everything possible to change that.

Is your 2nd child a daughter ?

This is normal, you might even find you have the same thoughts again when your second is three. I don't always like my children equally, but I love them both fiercely all the time. I think because you had such a strong bond and it sounds like you were very dotting, you feel rejected by his sudden switch of favourite care giver. Be kind with yourself

It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

YABU to indulge in this kind of thinking. Our parents did the mummy's girl vs daddy's girl thing with me and my sister and it's a surefire way to make for shit sibling relationships.

My DS may well always prefer his dad to me. He may well grow up to say he loves his mum but. Always that but.

I think what people are trying to get across to you is that he may well not always prefer his dad to you, but you seem to be taking an extremely defeatist position and you're not answering any of the questions around what you're actually doing to try to change things.

Life is very long. A lot of things can happen. You could have a great relationship with your child until they're 16 and then have a massive fight that puts a cloud over things for two years. You could have a rough patch with your child for a year in the toddler years which are notorious for exactly this kind of thing, and then a lovely day out at the zoo just you and him shifts the needle.

You don't know the future, but if you are already taking the petulant attitude of 'Well, this is probably just it forever then', then you are far more likely to have a poor relationship with your child forever because your resentment and bitterness towards a THREE-YEAR-OLD will poison it.

I think you and he might have been very close before the baby came along? I think this because as someone else said up thread it sounds as if he is making you feel what he is feeling. This is how children communicate strong feelings they don't have words for.

So...let's say he is feeling pushed out, rejected and very sad. And also, as you say, realising this might not change. What would help? I would suggest going back to something you used to do with just him. If you did baby swimming for instance, that is a wonderful chance to re-establish closeness with an age appropriate activity. Or a 'grown up' cafe trip with a kids magazine for him - one he gets to choose himself.

Make it regular. Once a week. Yes, it might be hard at first. But speak to the feelings so he can start to know he can put words to them. Say to him, I think you've been feeling sad since (baby) came along. You are so special to me, and this time will be ours together, every week. Re-establish the bond that I think you already had.

You may have to bear a few weeks of continuing to feel rejected, he may test you by pushing harder. But I promise that he will know you are trying, he will feel more understood and the connection will come back.

If your DH/DP struggles with the baby he can get on with it for a few hours. This is important. It is so, so hard but you will get there 💐

You say its impossible for 1:1 time but you need to make time. If dad is about then he takes baby and you do something and give your ds uour 100%attention. If baby cries during that tine, dad sees to them. You let your son know daddy is dealing with baby so you can spend time with him.
You can tell him you've missed him because some times baby takes lots of your time and you love spending time with him.
Obviously on an evening you will probably be in the home, but try on a weekend when you and him leave the house to do something.

I’m also saying this gently. I’ve been there. Recently. I was rejected by my toddler after baby number 2. He wanted his Dad for everything and changed from a happy little thing to a fractious, early terrible two phase (except he was younger, small age gap). It was awful and lasted for about a year and a half. It was also exhausting and heartbreaking and he was too young to have any real emotional understanding.

In the end, I couldn’t go on and ended up on Sertraline and that took the edge and gradually it got better. As they grew up they became more playmates and close.

My son is now probably closer to me again but it’s much more balanced.

This is AIBU any responses may be harsh. But when you’re sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted it is so hard and I just wonder if you need a trip to GP/HV.

it will change - honestly x

DD went through a phase like this from about 2 to 3, even though we didn’t bring a second child into the equation. It was soul-destroying- I was working long hours and left stuff undone to see her in the evenings, and all she ever wanted was DH. She used to cry and push me away if I went near her. But it really, truly was a phase; she’s 13 now and we’re very close (and she still has a great relationship with DH). As with so much parenting, you recognise that it’s miserable in the moment but have faith that it will get better.

Children go through stages and they change. Especially when big life events happen like a new sibling. Your job (and I know it's hard sometimes) is to be a constant loving presence and to respond to your DS's evolving needs. Detaching emotionally would be the worst thing you could do for him. You need to be the adult here.

That doesn't mean he doesn't take the baby out for a few hours while you spend time with DS. Do that every week and make sure it's fun, connected time. Keep at it.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this, it does sound hard. But when he’s 4 he’ll probably respond to you again like he used to. When he’s 14 he’ll probably ignore you. When he’s 24 he’ll want to spend time with you. When he’s 34 you won’t even remember that you posted this.

I feel you @Notsureaboutitall . It is so, so hard when they're screaming for someone else. I drive my 2 yo to a class 20 mins away this morning and she screamed for her dad the whole way and then stropped through the class. Meanwhile baby was at home screaming for me. Horrible. I have found though that if I take DD out and about for mummy and DD special time it does work - if she's stropping for dad I find ways to make her laugh and she usually gets over it and enjoys her time with me. We have certain things that we only do together eg baking. She often still only wants daddy but she will ask for me too. Alone time together is the only way, but either you and DS go out or baby and carer so DS has no choice. Good luck xx

I think it is a phase - but he may be more like your DH in temperament and that makes a difference too. Just continue with what you are doing, try not to take it personally, remember kids go through phases like this and make some time to do fun things with just the two of you. It is horrible to feel unliked or unwanted by your DC, but it is fairly common for it to happen at some point. Sorry, sounds tough.

If it helps any- I've only one son and at 3 he was a nightmare, wanted to do everything himself, no help from me, wanted to show everyone else his toys, tricks and funny faces... there's no dad here. Hes 4 and I'm back to being his universe again.
Not the same as you I know, but I thought he was bored of me. His behaviour had been shocking too, it must have been a phase.
Maybe yours is going through one too. And you're still pushing through, making time and showing patience. Because you're a fantastic mum.

hes 3 for gods sake of course things will change

thought you wer talking about a teenager

I haven’t read pp responses so I’m sorry if this has been suggested but if you can afford it I would have therapy with a child
psychotherapist who observes you and your DC so that you can get support in changing this dynamic that you have become stuck. I would honestly put doing this as such a high priority because there is no way your son will be happy with how things are and you certainly aren’t. I wouldn’t be accepting this.

I agree, it is not the responsibility of your three year old child to improve your relationship. I find it sad that you seem to be resigned to it, defeated, as though it is beyond your control. It is not surprising that your child is showing their insecurity in their behaviour is it? Because you are feeling it too but the difference is it is your responsibility to work to improve it regardless of your other child. You can’t just say ‘whelp I can’t send the sibling back so I guess that’s how it is now’.

You need to not be comparing your relationship with him to his relationship with others, you need to be investing in it because it’s the best thing for you and him.

So your dd is 3 and you have two younger babies?

And you have just written off your relationship? This is not right, op.

Do you think you have PND? Three under 3 is a lot!

Hi OP. I have to admit I first read this with a bit of incredulity. Your son is three. It’s absolutely not time (nor is it ever, really) to write off a close relationship with them.

Then I had flashbacks to when my son was around 1-3yrs old. He’s one of twins, and I absolutely had the feeling he didn’t like me that much and adored his dad. The other twin preferred him and me and my DH fell into that pairing. But it made me upset and I recall asking advice in my NCT group about not finding a bond with him. So I think I know a bit how you’re feeling.

What became easier as he got older was bonding with him over his interests, as they obviously get stronger and more specific as they get older. I chose a couple of his main interests and I would be the one who engaged in them with him and my DH wouldn’t at all. It grew, over a short time, to be our special bond and now we have a brilliant relationship. Doing these things with him one on one forged a lot of love and fun which spilled over into life in general, and now I can barely remember how not having a great bond with him felt.

Spend time with him, engage with what he loves, and have dad take a back seat with those things.

Fake it til you make it! Toddlers can be really hard work especially with a baby. They can push all your buttons but you have to remember they are little more than babies themselves and you are the adult. Even if you are not feeling it, be loving and kind, give lots of cuddles, chat to them, show interest in their doings and their things, and I pretty much guarantee that you will see a different side of your DC. You will see this almost imediaitely. You absolutely cannot give up on them. Will you hold a baby's emotional reaction against them all their life? No, clearly not because that would not make sense from a full grown adult to hold that against a baby.