To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

I realise you are probably thinking you’re being tremendously witty and biting and acerbic but I would like to expand a bit.

He is three and I’ve had nearly a year of being pushed away. So that continues and he’s four and then five. And before you know it things become a habit - it isn’t mum who does that - then you have a ten year old.

My three year old went through similar without a new sibling. Sometimes they just do. Nobody is suggesting you put the baby back.

Ask DH to take on a bit more of the baby related activities and be baby’s first point. Tackle more 1:1 time with your toddler out of the house doing fun things. He needs reassurance right now.

He’s still so young and not able to understand or process his feelings. Things won’t always be this way. He will grow to become accustomed to having a sibling and sharing his mum.

Just make sure that your partner is being vocal when your son is disrespectful towards you so he knows it’s not ok behaviour.

Try and get some one on one time with your son. Even if it’s for half an hour quickly at the park. Also try and include him positively in jobs with the baby. Getting nappies for you and making sure he knows what a great big brother he is.

I say this with real kindness but you need to get a hold of yourself. This difficult stage will absolutely pass and your DS needs you to stay calm and adult and hold his big emotions without losing it. It's not personal. He's just feeling all these huge difficult feelings and he's not grown up enough to articulate them. I do get that you are sounding off so maybe you know all this already. Just stay level and keep trying and it will all come good.

Are you the primary care giver? I was for my kids when they were small and they both preferred their Dad to me. I figured it was just that the main care giver gets taken for granted and the one who's not there so much is a treat.

It helps that DH and I switched roles for a while when DD1 was a toddler. I was badly laid up with the second pregnancy and DH had to take break from work to look after me and take over as primary care giver for DD. Suddenly she was all "mummy mummy mummy".

Now that they're older things are a bit more balanced. However, we now have a dog and I'm the one who does all the feeding, grooming, sorting out vets, and most of the waking., and she prefers DH. Strangely I take it more personally with the dog than I ever did with the kids!

I think this is a perfectly normal fear that they will grow up hating you, but I also think that maybe you need to talk to someone

IMO it is NEVER too late to repair a parent child relationship. My DM didn't really love me much when I was 14-18, I was an absolute shit, she had PND and was bereaved which I was wasn't very attuned to. Basically we had no time for each other. That has totally turned around since me having my own DCs. DH has huge attahment issues with his DM ( again for very good reasons) they are also teying to have a better relationship (@ 49 and 78). At 3 of course it's possible what does he like ? Can you show an interest in his games ? Play with him, this is especially important when the baby is asleep. Carve out some special time and activities let it become " your" thing together. Honestly it's a life's work.

I will just repeat again that I’m not walking away. I will continue with everything. Just hard to constantly be shouted at and there does come a point - you go from thinking ‘this is temporary, it’s no big deal’ to ‘this might not be temporary.’

With all due respect you need to get a grip and start by not writing your 3 year old off for life! You’re an adult. He is reacting badly to his situation. It is up to you to change that by making time for him and making him feel that he is still important to you rather than a chore to be done.

OP I’m sure it’s just a symptom of feeling naturally pushed aside a little and honestly to a 3yo babies aren’t that interesting! He will see you with baby all the time and so see you as an extension of the baby. It won’t last forever once your DC2 gets more interesting to him!

Aww OP. I had to laugh when I read he’s only three. They are mad little dictators at that age and it sounds like his nose is just out of joint with his new sibling. Are you able to leave baby with your DH for a day or two and take him away to see family or do something he’d love? He’s acting up for attention. Don’t be fooled into thinking he doesn’t love you or need you, of course he does. You just need to remind him how much fun it can be hanging out with mummy on his own. Virtual hug though, it’s brutal when they reject you but we’ve all been there.

So tell us OP what are you doing with him ? Playing firetrucks, kicking a ball about, baking ? What those are just off the top of my head what my DS liked at 3, he also love dinosaurs, spent many hours breastfeeding Dd on a bench at the natural history museum.

Time 1:1 is the only way. Extremely hard
With a baby, I get it. Who can take baby so you can sit alone with him and play trains or play pooh sticks for a bit in silence?

This

I don’t blame him, you sound nuts tbh.

Wtf!?! He is 3. Please do not write off your bond. I realise you are hurting and that the rejection is hard, but you need to play the long game. He loves you. You love him. This will be OK!

Impossible because obviously I have to have someone to have the baby and anyone who could feasibly have the baby DS prefers to me! This is why it’s not just that simple.

You are writing off your relationship with a THREE year old.

Get a fucking GRIP.

He's THREE, being an insecure THREE Year Old.

Thats what they DO!

Start parenting. Stop being a flake and pushing him away.

He will feed off your negativity.

Have you spent much time alone with him since baby came along? And what happens when you do? Is he cold with you? 3 is a tricky age in general. Keep doing what you're doing and I have no doubt he'll start to warm more to you.

Do you feel better for making this comment? Does it give you a warm feeling to so cruelly shit on a struggling woman?

My experience is that we adopted a three year old boy. He was happy in FC, he didn't understand adoption and he was quite put out about being with us and not them. He absolutely adored his foster mum.

He did not like me for a while, used to throw things at me. I had to put a stair gate on our bedroom door so I could take refuge. I also had to be very careful when passing the stairs as he would try to drop things on my head through the bannisters.

It took a lot of perseverance and doing stuff with him, playing, baking, watching CBeebies with a biscuit and some milk etc.

Rejection and fear of further rejection were at the root of it. He did come round in the end, so don't despair. But you must ensure you don't promise anything you can't follow through with, because that is like another rejection in his eyes.

My suggestion is that DH also needs to be on board with this and makes a point of singing your praises. So if you have cooked dinner, for example DH says things like "isn't this great, hasn't mummy cooked us a lovely meal"
Or if a toy needs mending or batteries replacing, DH asks mummy to help. If DH makes a point of including you or saying how great you are, this may help to break the barrier back down. But don't force him to agree with DH, just let him hear it.

You’re talking as if he’s a friend who’s gone off you a bit and prefers someone else now and so you’re very put out. And your line about him favouring you above his dad before the second baby came along is very telling. He’s 3. Kids aren’t there to make us feel good about ourselves or to help us win some kind of weird popularity contest. You don’t write off the relationship with your 3 year old because he appears to like his dad more than you .

I don’t think it’s nuts to realise things may not necessarily change

I know it's not simple, but it is necessary. Your DS doesn't get the choice (obviously don't say that out loud). Do you have a partner? Every weekend, do 2 hours 1:1 and say "it's daddy's turn with the baby now and I'm excited because it's my turn with you!"

OP he is only 3! He probably feels jealous and rejected and you're already gave up and focusing only on your adult feelings. He's just a toddler. They change so much when they get older and go through different phases.
I know it's not fun to feel like you don't have a great relationship with your child and I know you're probably fed up which is normal but you are a parent and need to rise above it! Otherwise it really will become a self fulfilling prophecy.