To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

Oh my god. Your posts have made so angry.

3 years old. Fucking 3!!!

You sound absolutely ridiculous.

Are you normally this dramatic with everything?

Get a grip and grow up for goodness sake.

This is really sad because you've written him off and it's going to become a self fulfilling prophecy

Poor little mite. You need to grow up.

When you have someone else to look after the baby, get them to go out, or you go out with your three year old. You could make a weekly thing that's just you and him, like taking him swimming or to a play group or similar.

Your partner needs to back you up if your three year old ignores you when you talk to him, and make it clear that's not ok. He could also back you up by doing things with you rather than just him on his own.

It will not be like this permanently, it really won't. When the baby is a toddler and they can interact more the dynamic will change again. As it will when your eldest is in school and so on.

I read somewhere that children try and make YOU feel how THEY are feeling. It just seems to make a lot of sense to me. He’s feeling rejected and replaced so he’s trying to make you feel that. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s that he lives you a lot and you (and his dad) are his whole world. I’d keep trying with him and telling and showing him how much you love him. He will come round. Try not to stress too much although I know it’s easier said than done. I’d be willing to bet that in a year or two things will be very different.

Why can't your partner take the baby while you spend one on one time with your DS doing something he enjoys? Yes, he may prefer your DP, but if your DP is gone with the baby then he may be happy to play trains or whatever with you. Even if he isn't thrilled the first time, if it becomes the routine that daddy takes the baby out for a walk on Saturday morning or whatever, and your DS gets to pick what he does with mummy, then he will almost certainly come around to it.

You seem to have written off your relationship with him and I really don't think that it reasonable when he is only 3.

@Createausername1970 thank you for your helpful post

To those who have gone into angry sweaty rants at me - here’s one back. For fucks sake, will you read what I’m writing?

My DS may well always prefer his dad to me. He may well grow up to say he loves his mum but. Always that but.

It is possible things

It is if its a three year old. It will be self filling. And you will blame your child for your own attitude problem.

To be blunt, if you are doing this, you are toxic. You need to change it.

Parental preference is quite common after a 2nd child comes along. Do you get one to one time with him and if so do you use it to just sit and play with him? Don't take him out go to him instead and just be present with him with no distractions such as house work or the other child. It doesn't have to last hours just some time purely focused on him and him alone.

You say it's not that simple as he prefers everyone else but that is completely defeatist. The situation will only change when you change it. He wants his mums attention that is all

Ex DP didn't have much to do with dd2 when she was a baby - he found dd1 easier to deal with, and as she was a toddler she was more 'fun' to parent. By the time dd2 was a toddler and he was interested in spending time with her she wanted nothing to do with him. Took her until she was about 6 to come around, and now they're quite close.
I'm not suggesting this is quite the same, just saying don't give up hope. You sound like a wonderful, caring and loving mum. Just be consistent and I'm sure your son will come around. It's just tough in the meantime, and you've had a shitty day. But don't give up x

Don't stress. Kids will go through more phases than you can count. Sleeping well. Not sleeping well. Wanting ketchup with everything. Hating ketchup. Watching Cars every day (yes, you DS). Not watching Cars for 10 + years. Wanting 3 books read to them a night. Wanting to read a comic in silence. Hating water. Wanting to go swimming three times a week.

What worked to turn things around with dd1 after dd2 came along was to have "Mum and dd1 time" I'd take her to the shops etc and have special time together. Let her choose something from a charity shop or anything she wanted from poundland (when it was £1) or whatever your dc would like. Left dd2 at home with dh

My now 5 year old went through a phase of telling me that he hated me at around 3. Having been his primary care giver I kind of put this down to going to work. This was before his sister arrived.

then his sister arrived and as they’re adopted and sister was struggling to bond with my partner, we tried to make sure partner did girls bed time and I did boys bed time. Neither child wanted that particular parent. I remember passing each other I the hallway with two upset children wanting the other parent thinking what on earth are we doing so we just went with whatever they wanted.

now they have fully adjusted and it’s different again - with me having been back to work but now recently my partner taking a step forward at work and everything is me, but they are always happier to see my partner. I have to do the crappy things, like wipe their bum and feed them and clean them, but also get most of the cuddles. My partner has to play playmobil and do that sort of thing. You end up just being called upon for what you’re good for really.

I just think it’s a phase and it’ll pass. I do equally believe, my daughter, gets most wound up by me, so often any meltdown would be much bigger with me than for others. ‘Oh she’s as good as gold, oh she didn’t cry about anything’. Whereas with me she will lie on the floor in Lidl screaming because I accidentally breathed in her direction or put the apple int he trolley the wrong way up.

a 3 year old is so unreasonable - but I would be correcting unkind behaviour personally and saying gently, we don’t say that we don’t like people as it’s unkind. Sorry if that’s not the gentle parenting way, but it’s got to be said otherwise I think they will just go to school and say things like that to their friends and wonder why they are disliked!

When you go out as a family, how much time do you fuss over him and how much time does he sit there while you fuss over the baby?

When you see friends, does he hear you talk about all the good stuff he does, or does he just hear you talk about the baby and then moan about how he is grumpy?

How often do you take him out on his own?

I totally understand it is difficult and I know with our own (we had multiple children in quick succession), the oldest were expected to be independent much quicker as we had to focus on their younger siblings, and that can be hard on them to understand.

And by the way, he may not fuss over you, and he may speak horribly to you, but he loves you. You are the centre of his world. He just needs reassurance that he is the centre of your world too.

Gosh, this is a sad thread.

OP it's clear you are struggling, but with kindness I'm afraid you need to step up here. Shrugging and saying "well, I tried" is very damaging for your 3-yr-old. Your boy might seem big to you, compared with the baby, but he is a baby too, and his whole world has been turned upside-down, and what you have to do now is prove to him that you love him more than ever, and that you love him even if he doesn't love you (which, by the way, he absolutely does) and that you love him and he's an amazing little boy who brings you joy, and that you'd love him even if he wasn't amazing, and that he is special and precious and an important member of your little family.

You are giving a lot of the responsibility for this situation to your 3-year-old, but he is not able to solve this. That responsibility lies with you.

So you didn’t feel the relationship was great before baby number 2 came along.

If you want to break through this and have a good bond with him, it starts with you. You can’t try a million different things in a year. If you have you haven’t done them consistently enough. You can’t do something once and expect it to fix the problem.

You are the adult here.

Be honest, do you favour dc2? Born out of Covid. Was it a better experience.

OP, I ask this out of kindness, do you think there is any chance you might have post-natal depression?

I was single when I had my youngest so I really do understand, but it is doable

Is your eldest eligible for nursery? My DD wasnt old enough for nursery until the baby was 5 months old. It was brutal on my own. By the time baby was a year old it was still very hard so I put the baby in nursery 1 day a week so I could have a break, mentally more than anything

Bath times on his own when baby Is asleep, colouring next to you or you reading to him if baby is asleep on you,
Simple things like when your popping to the shops, buy eldest DS a treat, tell baby he cant have any as hes not a big boy like DS yet,
Sleep overs in mummy's room.... DD loved this

My DD loves it when I sing silly songs about her, yank that oh Micky your so fine. I changed it to Oh DD your so kind,

Special handshakes ect, honestly any small thing that just you and him can do that baby cant, they love it and it makes them feel so big and special

You sound so defeated and worn down, do you think you could have a touch of PND? I did and didnt realise until I got better how bad it was. It was like being in a fog I didnt know I was in until the fog literally cleared one day,

Honestly, you HAVE to find the time, regardless of how impossible it feels. Small little gestures mean so much to them at this age

You seem massively insecure, OP. I think you need counselling.
And I say that kindly, not with sarcasm

I mean that’s a lame excuse for no 1 on 1 time. Oh no I can’t because he prefers whoever would watch the baby… and??

So you leave baby with dad and you head to soft play and lunch together just the two of you.

Hell the two of you could even go shopping together where he helps get the food and then cooks it’s with you, even if it’s sold as doing something special for daddy, it’s still you taking him out doing something together alone.

Off to the library or charity shop even to get some books as a little trip for you to then read to him even if the story is read when it’s just you and both children. The trip to get it again was just him and you.

It is that simple. It doesn't matter who he prefers. You're his mother. Leave the baby with someone and take him out somewhere. Don't let him dictate to you like this.

Where is your DH in all this? He needs to be backing you up.

This is something to consider.

I think it’s co-incided with tricky toddler phase, OP. He’ll come back round, but it takes time. My 2yo was the same with dad without a younger sibling (it could just have easily as been with me). Equally, it’s a huge life changing thing having a new baby for everyone, including your oldest and that doesn’t always get processed quickly.

I think there’s some good advice on this thread about upping your excitement to spend time with him and for DH to support this by singing your praises. I know it must be really tough, but your little one does love you. Id also suggest some oxytocin inducing activities together - swimming can be good as lots of skin to skin in a situation that naturally creates it. It can also be your time together. It doesn’t need to be a class, just a regular trip and if you hate swimming, it can be something else that encourages lots of close contact.

You don't present it as an option. Your DP or whoever takes the baby out and you do something with DS. Don't turn it into a conversation, it's just what's happening.

I say the other person takes the baby out, as then you don't need to try and leave the house with a child who thinks there's a "preferred" option staying behind indoors.

You do sound quite hostile and irrational about the behaviour of a 2-3 year old. If he's also picking up on your exasperation then it won't be helping matters.

Your relationship will be fine if you dont isolate him.

I also agree you might benefit from speaking to someone. Could you have PND?

Hi. I think I know how you feel, I've been there with my eldest and he is now 7 and his brother 4. I'm still probably closer to my youngest. It's almost like you need to grieve the relationship you had before the second kid came along.What has helped and is something I try to do especially when I'm feeling like we're really clashing, is one on one time with my eldest son. Know it can be hard, and might feel like the last thing you want to do but it really helps. Just even an hour or 2 a week where you get out and do something fun just with him can help. Think love bombing is the term if you want to look it up. Some people even have a night away with just their kid, doing whatever the kid wants to, but I've not done that yet! Hope you get on ok. It has got better as he's got older, and I've accepted that I will have a slightly different relationship with him but as long as he doesn't feel at all rejected then that's the main thing.

Three! Is this a joke thread?