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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why you had your first baby?

129 replies

innerdesign · 20/01/2024 10:03

I'm married, mid-30s, and have no children. I've never really wanted children, but now that it's getting to the stage where it won't be an option for much longer it's obviously playing on my mind, along with the fact that it feels that everyone in my peer group is pregnant or on mat leave.

So can I ask, what made you decide to TTC? I'd really appreciate thoughtful responses, I suppose 'i just wanted to' is semi-helpful but it would be good to know if you've always just known you wanted kids, if it hit you at a certain age, if you decided to when your sibling or best friend had their first etc. Did you think really hard about it or is it something you always expected to do? Thanks in advance

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 20/01/2024 10:03

We didn't ttc we just stopped contraception when we decided we were ready

Gowlett · 20/01/2024 10:09

I never thought about babies until I was 40.
Had one miscarriage, followed by a surprise baby.

If that moment of sheer luck hadn’t occurred…
IVF wasn’t on my radar, we left it to chance.

I was always on the fence about having kids.
So, I didn’t TTC, pee on sticks or read any books.

bogoblin · 20/01/2024 10:10

I always thought/knew/wanted I'd have children at some point - my vague plans were "when I finished my qualification" to "start at 30" but our first was entirely unplanned and ended up being born just after I completed my quals! I guess we just decided we did want a family together - but quite honestly we were unprepared for the reality of being parents!

We then tripled down for some reason and are now expecting our third (and LAST!), since we'd started a family now and knew we wanted more and thought we'd get them out of the way. They are utterly delightful but also incredibly annoying and hard work.

One of my "mum friends" had never been particularly bothered about having children but said she woke up one day with an urge to have one and went for it. Others were unplanned like my first was.

It's such a personal decision - I suspect you know in your heart what you really want, and I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right things for you.

Original poster

innerdesign · 20/01/2024 10:12

Can I just clarify that when I say 'TTC' I mean remove any barriers to conception such as contraception? I know different people have different definitions, for me it just means having sex with the aim of not preventing pregnancy

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 20/01/2024 10:12

We touched base every year about it for 15 years and we agreed we didn't want children (me more definitely than him). Then on the 16th year, to my surprise, I changed my mind. Not helpful I know!

GalileoHumpkins · 20/01/2024 10:12

It's OK not to have children if you don't want them.

Allfur · 20/01/2024 10:14

Contraception fail

PeachesClementine · 20/01/2024 10:14

I never wanted children either, but when I met my DH, it was clear early in our relationship he did, and it was obviously a deal breaker, so I made the decision to stay in the relationship knowing it would mean kids one day.

Once I felt we had enjoyed our child free years and we had house career etc, I felt the pressure of the ticking clock and we started TTC.

We have our DD now who I love dearly and makes me laugh every day, but I don’t think I ever changed my mind about not wanting children. If DH was on the same page I think I would still be happily child free

Rocknrollstar · 20/01/2024 10:14

We were very young but had been together for four years. We wanted children and we knew we could manage on DHs salary (those were the days) so we just went for it. The time seemed right.

WandaWonder · 20/01/2024 10:15

innerdesign · 20/01/2024 10:12

We bought a house and savings in our early 30's so yes that is when we stopped contraception

To me (irrelevant as I know your point now) TTC means actively trying, taking temperatures or whatever people to to actually get pregnant

We would never have done that

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 20/01/2024 10:16

I always intended to have children. I met future dh when I was 29, we got married 3 years later, started ttc about a year after that.

Futb0l · 20/01/2024 10:16

I always assumed I'd have children one day, but hadnt thought about it all that much.

Once it was clear me & DH were in it for the long haul (so i guess by about age 27) it wasn't really ever if, it was when - we wanted to buy a house first. I remember slightly warily broaching the subject with DH and was going to tentatively suggest the following year, and him just saying before i got to it "oh i assumed it was pretty obvious we'd start trying next year".

So we did.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/01/2024 10:19

The time was right, married a few years, financially OK, and I wanted a baby.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/01/2024 10:19

PS, and dh was fine with it.

Tandora · 20/01/2024 10:20

I always knew I wanted kids. As a little girl I was obsessed with dolls. By the age of 20 I started to think about getting pregnant. By my 30s I was desperate. I never really thought it through logically/rationally , I just accepted that it was something I desperately wanted and I bought into the narrative that my life would be miserable and meaningless otherwise.

3 kids later and I have a very different perspective. Not saying I wouldn’t do the same again, and I love my kids more than anything in the world, obviously. But having understood the reality of how hard/
awful it is so much of the time - and how costly it’s been , both literally in terms of money, but also in terms of freedom , friends, career, time for oneself, peace, time to sleep, time to do all the things I used to enjoy in life, mental and physical health (I feel like I’ve aged about 15 years in 5 and I’ve put on 2 stone) - I am now of the view that there’s no objectively good reason for having a child.

So now I tell people - only do this if it’s something you really really want. If you don’t have that desperate desire that compels you to sacrifice everything for this, then just embrace your childfree life , enjoy and don’t look back!!

pensali · 20/01/2024 10:23

For me it was just something I assumed would happen and all of my friends had babies around the same time. Life just follows a typical path really - uni, grad job, marriage, house, baby, 2nd kid. No need to think any more about it.

thecatsthecats · 20/01/2024 10:24

I never felt any sort of urge to have a baby. I just knew that I pictured my life with a child in it.

I had some health issues, early thirties - long covid and a stress burnout - plus some career changes, so trying was a bit intermittent whilst I sorted my health out. I was determined to give my child a healthy mum.

Now have a 3 month old and am near as dammit certain he's going to be an only.

Dazedandfrazzled · 20/01/2024 10:25

I had grown up always assuming (wanting or perhaps brainwashed by society) that I would be married and have kids by a certain age. As I got older I really enjoyed my life and then wasn't sure I wanted children. So I sat on the fence for a long time, then decided it 'was time' and stopped contraception and nothing happened. After about 2-3 years got some tests, they found nothing but I still wasn't sure re IVF. Time passed and I was about to turn 40 and knew I had to decide re IVF .... then I got pregnant

Prioromoon · 20/01/2024 10:25

I’ve always wanted kids more than anything. As soon as dh felt ready we started trying

DuploTrain · 20/01/2024 10:26

I didn’t actively want to have a baby but I realised I’d stopped not wanting to have a baby, and that actually it might be quite nice to have children.

I never felt a burning desire or strong biological urge. But I also felt that when I pictured my future there would be children in it.

mollyfolk · 20/01/2024 10:27

I always wanted kids and a family but when I got to 30 I suddenly had a huge desire to have a baby. I saw babies everywhere, thought about it all the time. Hormones I guess. After 3 kids, I’m delighted I had them but also realise that you should only have kids if you really want them. I guess before I thought people would never regret having children. Like you devote your whole body and lives to them so it’s something you should do if you really want.

Bbq1 · 20/01/2024 10:27

Because I always loved children and always wanted ny own baby. When I met dh that feeling intensified because we loved each other and dh wanted to be a dad too. Took me 4 years to conceive our son after we married and he was very much wanted. He is am amazing son that we adore and was worth the wait.

Evaka · 20/01/2024 10:28

Sharing the perspective of someone who wasn't sure and decided not to. DP and I were both on the fence for our late 30s. I felt those niggles and worries but never had the intense longing others mention. Still haven't at 42. I read a fantastic book called Motherhood: is it for me? Gave me loads of clarity and allowed me make the decision to stay child free. I love time with the kids of friends and family, but also have loads of downtime, income, can focus on my job without feeling pulled in ten directions and am planning to take a year out for a research masters next year. Might be a career change, might not, and it doesn't feel high stakes. Just saying if you never really wanted kids, make sure you listen to that side of yourself too. It's as natural as someone else wanting them.

DeedlessIndeed · 20/01/2024 10:28

I guess the lifestyle was what appealed (I know, sounds ridiculous).

I personally had started to feel that my life of primarily fulfilling my own wants and needs started to become a bit shallow.

We had everything in place fairly early - loving and stable relationship; decent jobs and savings; house large enough; travelled well etc. So there weren't any reasons not to.

I thought about a future when I lived for someone beyond myself, could nuture and develop and support a child grow into an adult. I wanted to create a family unit and give a child opportunities I did not have. I think that dream started to feel more real and meaningful than my short-term wants/goals etc.

Having said that we just stopped contraception, and did not actively TTC.

Forthwith · 20/01/2024 10:28

Hormones! I was madly in love with my DH and wanted ‘his’ baby. I’d imagined doing it at some point in my 30s, but at 27 I got a raging, undeniable urge to be pregnant and have a baby and couldn’t focus on anything else.

I didn’t really think it through, admittedly.
No regrets, though.

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