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Original poster

To ask why you had your first baby?

129 replies

innerdesign · 20/01/2024 10:03

I'm married, mid-30s, and have no children. I've never really wanted children, but now that it's getting to the stage where it won't be an option for much longer it's obviously playing on my mind, along with the fact that it feels that everyone in my peer group is pregnant or on mat leave.

So can I ask, what made you decide to TTC? I'd really appreciate thoughtful responses, I suppose 'i just wanted to' is semi-helpful but it would be good to know if you've always just known you wanted kids, if it hit you at a certain age, if you decided to when your sibling or best friend had their first etc. Did you think really hard about it or is it something you always expected to do? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Greengagesnfennel · 20/01/2024 14:13

I'd always just assumed I would have children. For me I wanted to experience life's phases in all their variations and I am quite family oriented so I wanted my own. I felt ready for a change in my life. Partying can get boring. I was a bit worried about the baby bit because although I like children I was pretty ambivalent about babies, but once I had my own - I know it's a cliche - I loved them so much. Now I am one of those people that coos at babies and I have genuinely completely changed in that respect.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 20/01/2024 14:16

MAP fail 😬

No regrets though, consider myself very lucky.

It's totally fine not to have kids though , it's not be all and end all.

FUPAgirl · 20/01/2024 14:19

I always wanted kids, was pregnant soon after getting married in my early 20s. Was obsessed with reading everything about pregnancy and parenting. Which led to me becoming a midwife 😆 A job I absolutely adore.

I love everything about the miracle of pregnancy, birth and babies. I love being a mother.

Waitingfordoggo · 20/01/2024 14:22

I always saw myself having children and then once I was in my 20s, the hormonal drive kicked in very strongly. I was incredibly broody. Managed to wait until I was 28 but could have happily had them earlier (now glad I didn’t as 28 was young enough!)

So for me it was just something that I always saw happening, rather than something I had to give much thought to. Not saying this is right btw- having a child is obviously a big decision and one to take seriously. Just that for me the biological urge was there from early on.

SwirlyWhirls · 20/01/2024 14:27

DiaryofWimpy · 20/01/2024 10:36

I'd always assumed I would have children. Me and ex husband tried when I was 24 nothing happened I bought an ovulation kit and nothing was happening so went to clinic and had a laparoscopy and it showed one of my tubes was completely blocked and the other kept going into spasm every time they tried to put dye in it so was given price list for IVF.

I never had another period, I was pregnant then 3 years later I felt it was time for another and had a miscarriage then DS2 came along. He was allergic to milk so never had any more after him. He never stopped screaming.

They are 23 and 19 now.

Hopefully he’ll stop screaming one day 😆

Blackcountryexile · 20/01/2024 14:27

DH and I were early thirties and had been married for a few years. We had a house and I was established in my career. He was keener than I was. We stopped using contraception and I got pregnant straight away so that was that!
Looking back now 30 years on I don't know how I had the courage to take such a big step. If I known then about the situations of some families with MH and SEN issues I'd never have considered having children. However I am very grateful that I have my DCs. Although we have had our challenging times, although nowhere near as many as some, I am a much more patient, empathetic and open minded person than I ever would have been without them. They have taught me and given me more than I have given them.

GelatoPistacchio · 20/01/2024 14:32

We always said we would start trying to have a family late twenties/at thirty. The pandemic delayed our plans by a couple of years so we were quite excited to start.

We had a devastating miscarriage at 13 weeks and it took us a year to try again. We both needed time to process our loss and there were moments when we both wanted to be completely sure this was what we wanted as the heartache was too much to risk going through again without being 100%.

We both considered what we wanted the next couple of decades to look like. Child free people by choice have very cool lives and the time to do great things. But it was clear to us that we wanted to be a part of the local park buggy brigade and all the family friendly events in our area more than traveling, fine dining, expensive hobbies, etc.

We now have our wonderful one year old and we were right to try again. Sure the hard bits are ridiculous but it's so much easier knowing this is definitely what we wanted and we were sure it would bring us joy.

So my advice is if there is anything at all you want to do more than have kids, get that done first. And if not, go for it!

Xmasiscoming10 · 20/01/2024 14:34

I never had that huge urge to be a mother. Leading up to our wedding me and DH talked about it a few times but couldn’t decide, after much umming and ahhing we decide to stop overthinking and just see what happened. We decided on one child.

Anyway I was pregnant with twins 2 months later. Absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me, can’t believe we so nearly decided not to have kids.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 20/01/2024 14:48

I always wanted children, I wanted them between the ages of 25 and 30 ideally (didn't want to be 'too young' or 'too old' - personal ideas of what I considered too young or old for me there), but ended up pushing back my plans by 5 years until employment and housing situation were more suitable. Then I put my foot down and told my husband I had already held off for 5 years and we had always agreed we were going to have children one day, so it was time to start trying for one, not just removing contraception but putting the effort in to get pregnant. Had my first at 31 and my second at 34 and our family is now finished.

So for me, it was that I always saw myself having children one day.

TrixieFatell · 20/01/2024 14:50

I didn't like babies or children when I was younger, had no plans to start a family. Then one day I just felt like I wanted a baby. Talked to my boyfriend about it and decided to TTC.

RamblingEclectic · 20/01/2024 14:56

I didn't always know I wanted kids. I grew up being told girls like me don't, that there were better things for me to do, that it's awful enough that many mothers I grew up around were medicated to cope (I think it was more the culture than the kids that led to that, but the message I got was that it was the kids). I remember being 11-12 doing homework on possible futures, and it was always 0 kids, or 6... though neither really felt like I wanted, it was kinda beyond my understanding at that point.

The changing point was when I was dating my now husband. We had long conversations around whether to have kids, and - more importantly for me - what our lifestyle would look like, really getting into the detail of caring responsibilities and our other responsibilities like work and wider family needs like caring for his parents. Those conversations made it real, and desirable. Obviously, not all of it played out as planned, but the core of it, that yes we do want our lifestyle to be around our family, that we both shaped our careers around that, did happen. We took it one child at a time, when deciding to stop contraception, we talked about the lifestyle impacts and decisions, and ended up with four - last antenatal appointment, I walked out saying, "I am not doing that again...".

I love my kids and I still think I would be very differently, but equally happy with life without having had kids. It was all in discussing and building that vision together, which included if it turned out we couldn't. I've never been broody, never felt having a child was an essential need. For me, it was something we agreed to, that we were lucky enough worked out as planned, and nothing like the horror stories I grew up with.

BlackWitchyCat · 20/01/2024 14:59

Then BF was due to go to Afghanistan so I wanted to try before. Was a crazy decision thinking about it as we dusbt live together. I was distraught the whole 6 months he was there plus months leading up to it. It wasn't fair on the baby but I thought it could be our only chance.

duckpancakes · 20/01/2024 15:07

If you don't want kids don't have them. It completely changes your life

Orangeandgold · 20/01/2024 15:12

I’ve always known I wanted children from a young age but I didn’t feel the need to have them “then and there”.

I had my first in my very early 20s - contraception fail - decided to keep the pregnancy and have enjoyed more elements of parenting than not.

I have always wondered what it would be like to be a childfree adult for a while, but I sure I would have planned them in eventually.

Catshaveiteasy · 20/01/2024 15:13

I always knew I wanted children. Never doubted it and started trying to conceive soon after marriage. It was a hard road for us but I’m still very glad I am a mother.

Nttttt · 20/01/2024 15:19

Thought we couldn’t due to previous issues I’d had so we weren't using contraception. I was 29 and had not a maternal bone in my body lol. Honestly even if I thought I could conceive there was no way I would ever have wanted to try and my partner also wasn’t bothered. We had a perfect life together and so many other plans.

Had a romantic night in France and wound up pregnant! I knew I was pregnant at 2-3 weeks I could feel it (but still felt silly doing the pregnancy test) when I told my partner he said he knew it and had actually made a comment a few days before about it 😳 We were both delighted and it felt like something I never wanted but I needed in that moment and now I’m so excited for LO to be here (any day now!!)

We never would’ve made plans to try or to have any help with TTC, I’m sure we would’ve continued life without a child - and had a happy one at that! But now I am extremely glad this fluke happened :)

Chanel05 · 20/01/2024 15:22

We'd been together for a long time. We were homeowners, good jobs, engaged and my biological clock kicked in. We always k ew children would be on the cards and ttc was the right choice for us just before we got married. What I didn't account for was that it'd be another 27 months until I held my baby in my arms.

Mischance · 20/01/2024 15:23

I was told that I might have trouble conceiving - so I chucked the pills and let nature take its course. I did not have another period for about .... 9 months! How wrong they were. We had barely even had time to smile at each other!

Isseywith3witchycats · 20/01/2024 15:28

me i went on the pill at 17 as i didnt want any children that early found myself pregnant 2 months later and hes 49 years old today

DreadPirateRobots · 20/01/2024 15:32

I was deeply ambivalent and unsure for a long time. DH OTOH always pretty much assumed he'd have a family, although I don't honestly think he thought about the reality that much. Once I was 30 we'd been together 10 years and married 4, we'd done the big stuff we wanted including travelling, and I realised that I did want to meet a combination of the two of us and have the experience of raising a child with him, so we stopped contraception.

For me it was never about wanting a baby in the abstract. I wanted to have and raise a child with DH specifically. I love my DC and would have them again, but I can still visualise an alternate universe where neither of us was that bothered and we lived very happily without them.

amispeakingintongues · 20/01/2024 15:38

Because my life felt unfulfilled

Panda34 · 20/01/2024 15:46

I always thought I'd probably want children but wasn't in any rush to, then I accidentally got pregnant when I was 27 but miscarried. After that I felt a strong urge however it wasn't really the right time so by the time we did ttc I was 29, then after another loss we finally had dd when I was 31

Josette77 · 20/01/2024 15:48

I always wanted to be a mom. I started babysitting at 12. At 14 I did a program volunteering with children with sn's.

I was a nanny at 17. I did that for a decade.

At 27 I was married and instantly we tried. I wanted a biological child first and then I wanted to adopt. My DH at the time knew that. It was a non negotiable we would adopt. I'm also adopted.

Turns out I was infertile by 27, so we adopted.

I'm now a single mom with a ds who has complex sn's and life is hard but it's also more than I ever dreamed it could be. I never imagined I'd be this lucky.

inquisitiveinga · 20/01/2024 15:49

Also developed a raging urge to become pregnant and have children 😅 I'm hoping it doesn't happen again after DD comes out though, 2 will be plenty I'm sure 🤪