To ask why you had your first baby?

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I'm married, mid-30s, and have no children. I've never really wanted children, but now that it's getting to the stage where it won't be an option for much longer it's obviously playing on my mind, along with the fact that it feels that everyone in my peer group is pregnant or on mat leave.

So can I ask, what made you decide to TTC? I'd really appreciate thoughtful responses, I suppose 'i just wanted to' is semi-helpful but it would be good to know if you've always just known you wanted kids, if it hit you at a certain age, if you decided to when your sibling or best friend had their first etc. Did you think really hard about it or is it something you always expected to do? Thanks in advance

Tbh, having seen friends go through infertility I felt like I had reconciled myself to not having babies if it didn't happen, and for some reason imagined it likely wouldn't. I surprised myself by just how happy I was to be pregnant when it happened (immediately, no 'trying' - more let's see what happens). I thought I'd have time to plan better, but I didn't. Slightly foolish maybe but there you go, very very happy with the result!

I didnt want kids until one day my biological clock kicked in and i needed them.

I work with children and enjoy their company and probably always thought one day I'd like a family etc. Then about a year after we got married it hit me like a brick that I wanted a baby NOW. It wasn't rational at all but we had (still have) a happy and stable relationship and I thought DH would be a good father. He's actually an amazing dad and had been brilliant even through the teenage years. Children are exhausting and expensive and I didn't know fear until I had a child but I have loved every age stage of their lives. DD1 is currently home from uni and I will miss her when she goes back.

I always assumed I'd have children one day. We got married when I was 26, I didn't really feel ready for a baby and probably would have waited a couple of years but DH was 30 and didn't want to wait any longer. I thought it would take longer than it did but I got pregnant as soon as I came off the pill. At times it has not been easy (DS1 didn't sleep through the night until he was 6) and there have been times where I've wondered wtf I was thinking but we later had DS2 (after a year of trying) who was a very easy baby, I think probably partly because we were more confident as parents. Now they're older I'm so glad we had them when we did, I've just turned 40 and they are so much more independent and we are starting to get a bit of time to ourselves. Looking back, I never really thought about not having them.

Ever since I was a little girl, I always played with my dollies and imagined they were my babies. I love babies and wanted to have one that belonged to me that I didn't have to give back who I could cuddle and look after and love. I felt an ache in my heart to cuddle a little bundle and look after them. My heart melted at other people's kids and I knew that it would melt even more at my own. I knew I'd be a good mother and I was desperate to test my theory. I have 3 kids and we have finished but it wouldn't take much to twist my arm to have more. The joy and laughter they have brought to my life was everything I hoped for. I love looking after my cute little people and see preparing them for adulthood as a really meaty challenge to get my teeth into!

Very interesting thread.

Like you, OP, I’m mid-30s and still very much on the fence. I honestly thought I would know either way by this age, and I’m not quite sure why I don’t?!

I guess I just really love my life and my freedom, but also it has been drilled into me from a young age that having a baby is just what you do as a woman (terribly traditional/conservative upbringing).

Interesting that so many advise not to have a baby if you’re not sure.

I always wanted children so wasn't about that but more so when. DH wanted them too, if he hadn't I wld have walked away.

Waited until I had got to a stage where I was earning good enough money and cld go part time without it effecting our lifestyle. Got married just before my 30th birthday and started trying right away. I was 31 when she was born.

I do kinda feel if u are unsure then don't do it. It's wonderful and hardwork but changes your life completely. U really don't get much time to urself anymore. Originally I wanted 3 or 4 😂 I have 2 and that is plenty. I cld be talked in to another but not DH.

I felt like something was missing in my life and everything I was trying to do in life was with the aim of having a family. Getting qualified in my profession, buying a decent family home, seeing lots of the world and doing exciting things before the kids came along.

I never really wanted children....but for that matter I never expected to get married either, but I did. Then there came a point in my marriage when I felt I'd rather be part of a family unit than just the two of us, so we discussed it and then started trying. Took us a while but then had two children quite quickly, I stayed at home for the first few years before returning to work (years ago it was possible!)

Looking back, I feel it was very much a decision taken in the 'here and now' rather than looking long term into the future. With hindsight, given how life eventually panned out, I would have been better not having children and concentrating on a career instead, but no doubt then I would have looked back and regretted that decision too.

I never wanted kids for the longest time. But then once I was 35/36 my biological clock started ticking. Also, I spent a lot of my life in higher education and doing further advanced training. Once that was all done and I was settled into a job, I spent evenings seeing friends, watching TV, drinking wine, and started to think ‘is this it now for my life?’. I think I wanted a new challenge and my besties’ kids bring a lot of joy and laughs, so at 37 we decided to take the plunge. Biology got in the way for a while but several rounds of IVF later we have 2 beautiful little boys and they are my world.

Alway's wanted them and could not imagine my life without them. Have two and the urge is strong to have a third but I am so grateful for what I have it was the best thing I ever did and don't regret it for a second.

When we got engaged we stopped being as careful as we should have been. We had a house and a stable relationship but I wasn't quite ready and planned to have a few more years working on my career before thinking about kids. Then I got pregnant so we just made it work and had a second two years later. Now I'm glad it happened when it did, I think I would have always wrestled with making the decision to change my life so profoundly.

For me it was always circumstance as I was brought up by DM being a single mum so I knew how hard she had it. I’d only ever have wanted children in the right relationship and that never aligned for me. I was also 50/50 re having kids. Saw best friend have kids at 18 and bloody hard work! Yes your biological clock does kick in and messes with your head.

An ex colleague of mine last year told me she’d had a contraception fail, think she had a miscarriage, but realised after this (she was 18 then) that she didn’t want children. Partly because her parents had had her young.

I never wanted kids until I met my DH. after being with him I had a real urge to want a baby so we had the conversation and I came off contraception. Ironically when we stopped ‘trying’ as in tracking sex, ovulation etc and just relax and had sex when we wanted to, I ended up getting pregnant that month (after 4 months of trying). Baby is 7 months now and we plan to start trying again for baby no.2 in April!

I had always known with absolute certainty that I wanted dc. I had my first when I felt that I was "ready" - stable marriage, far on enough in my career to have gained a bit of leverage with my employer, old enough to have travelled/lived abroad/had a life of my own etc. I was 32.

I had emergency surgery in my early 20’s where one of my ovaries had to be removed and from then the fear of not being able to conceive was enough to make me realise that it was a very important part of my life plan. Luckily DP (together since teenagers) felt exactly the same and we have DS now.
I’m eternally grateful I was able to have my son and that the ability to get pregnant wasn’t taken away from me but for a multitude of reasons he will be an only child.

Thanks everyone, some interesting responses. I lurk on the childfree forum and I think this thread has cemented my gut feeling that people who decide to stay childfree give it a lot more thought (in general) than people who end up being parents, and that lots of people have children because it's the done thing, or it's the next thing to tick off in life. Surprised by the number of contraception failures tbh, I know it happens but the stats are very low.

We have a good marriage, good professional jobs, a decent income (wouldn't qualify for child benefit, for example), a 4 bed detached house, savings, and a dog, just to clarify that I don't have any tangible reasons not to have a child if it's what I want. But certainly (at least for the moment) this has confirmed it's not what I want. I'm a little envious of the people who say they've just always known, or always visualised their life with a child. It must be nice to have that certainty.

I went from not wanting children, to meeting my husband and understanding why people would want to make a life with "the one" and thinking maybe one day, to getting married and having an overwhelming desire/need for a baby. Almost on a primitive level. It was the most bizarre thing and the only other thing I've felt like that is the love for our child. I've heard that others have experienced similar too, albeit with different life events.

I was on honeymoon and do and I decided there and then whilst we were in the swimming pool that we wanted a baby.
Wr spoke about how wonderful it would be, what we would do, names for our child etc. We stopped using contraception that day.
It didn’t go quite to plan, dc took much longer to arrive than we thought. From that moment we both felt that it was right.

Just for a slightly different perspective - I never really wanted children, but about 35-39ish, from what I think in hindsight was hormones, aka "biological clock", there were lots of times when I was thinking about it, wondering and considering a lot.

Out the other side of that now and very glad I didn't let my hormones do the thinking for me!

A lot of my friends are also child free by choice, so I didn't even have the social pressure around it, but I can totally see that between hormones, general societal expectation and friends/everyone else doing it (& possibly saying things like "you're missing out", "you'll never know love like it" etc), there can be a lot of confusion about whether it's right for you or not.

Neither is right nor wrong, but do think it through carefully - it's a 20yr+ to lifetime commitment!

For me it was a strong biological urge. A need. Almost an obsession I would describe it as.

Came on suddenly at about 25. My DH wasn't ready and we almost split up over it. I waited until he was but the urge was there the whole time. I had DC 1 5 years later.

Got drunk.

I always wanted kids, but ended up waiting til I was in my 30s because I was picky about partners (grey ace), plus years of my parents telling me I'd be a terrible parent.

Best decision I ever made. The unconditional love from a baby healed a lot of me, it turns out I'm actually a good parent, I learnt so much from them and their issues - BUT.

They're both autistic with adhd, very different to each other and other kids I know. I had to give up my career because they can't be left. School is not an option. I'm permanently worried about their futures, both because this is a bad world to bring kids into and because they're own Sen issues mean they may not both be able to live independently. And you cannot know that before you get pregnant. I know so many parents whose lives are ruined by having kids they weren't sure they wanted. I know people stuck in bad marriages because they can't parent their Sen kid alone. It cuts into your career, free time, money, changes your body, I don't have time to read much...

But for me personally it's the best thing ever.

I didn't want any until I'd been with DH several years, DH knew he'd never be sure he did want, he doesn't like change 😂. I'd been told I would need assistance to conceive for several reasons. We decided to stop preventing, get the couple years of 'trying' out the way before you can get assistance for when we turned around 35 so still time for IVF etc if wanted. By some miracle got pregnant second month after stopping preventing 🙈 he's the light of our lives 🥰 is a very personal choice, nothing wrong with not wanting one

Same for me! I was waiting for someone to say this and was thinking it’s strange very few people were so in love with their partner, they were just desperate to have their baby (definitely hormones working as they should).

I was 24 and had been with DH for 2 years. I wouldn’t say I couldn’t focus on anything else, but we spent the vast majority of our time outside of work in bed DTD at least 3-4 times a day and both of us were very happy for it to happen. Thought about practicalities afterwards and bought the house during the pregnancy and got married when DD was 3 months old.