I'm apoplectic with rage for my assistant

[jennyswoke]

I can't even explain why I'm so full of rage because it's not my business but we work closely in our office.
She is a wonderful worker, mother , runs the home and everything in between ..

He works full time on shift. Earns big money. Pays the bills.

BUT she in anger told him how overwhelmed she was raising their kids single handedly , running the home single handedly, working around her kids nursery and school hours . On call single handedly for sick kids and appointments .

He told her to get up earlier if she was that stressed.

That's it folks.

He is not alone or unusual.
One post after another here is representative of this.
These fucking men.
They make me vomit.
Sadly she has no legal rights as she is not married to this prick.
Never been so happy to be divorced .
Pig

So they are martyrs and 'exploit out vulnerability' is a cop out

Nail on head. I dated a few guys in my late teens/early 20's who weren't husband/father material, so I didnt get married/have children with them! Its not rocket science...
I then met a guy who was every inch husband material, and I've been very happily married to him for 21 years (and we have an amazing 13yo daughter).

No. Quite simply often there are no red flags whatsoever.

I was happily married for well over a decade before having children when it started totally out of the blue. Women don't have a crystal ball. People can and do change.

To suggest that there are always red flags smacks of victim blaming.

@Itssnacktime, sorry you are in this situation. I’m in no way defending such behaviour. But I’ve got to ask why you didn’t insist on the finances being combined whilst pregnant? And if he refused, return to work so as to keep your great job. Not let that balance tip so far that you cannot recover from it. Certainly not give up your job and have more sex, resulting in another pregnancy with a man who broke a fundamental promise. Not immediately combining finances at the start of your first pregnancy and expecting you to continue to fund bills from savings was the massive red flag that should have told you your relationship was toxic and you were with a selfish dickhead. Instead you had more sex with this wanker forcing you further into his hold were he continues to be financially abusive towards you and you become more powerless each day.
He is abusive and you are a victim. I wish you strength to get out of your abusive situation for your sake and the sake of your children.

Ah yes the old waiter test. Well my STBXH passed that one very well. Everyone thinks he’s a stand up guy, even his highly educated, six-figure-earning married mistress he’s been carrying on with for five years.

Like you @Willyoujustbequiet issues in our relationship didn’t start until there was a power imbalance and then it was in barely imperceptible increments. The boiled frog analogy.

I imagine there are plenty of women who discuss with their partner what life will look like after they have children but there’s no protection for them when he doesn’t live up to his promises. Society tells them it’s their fault for getting involved with him in the first place and “why not just leave?” Or they’re gaslit into thinking their partner is doing plenty by simply bringing home a paycheck and she’s the problem.

Had I returned to work after having DC2, our childcare costs would have been more than my (not insubstantial) pay but I should have done it anyway to prevent the financial inequality in our relationship that led STBXH to feel entitled to treat me as a servant. So sky-high childcare costs are another contributing factor for women ending up in this situation. More and more women are having either no children or just one child to avoid falling into this trap.

Okay. I’m not interested in engaging in conversation with someone who doesn’t recognise their internalised misogyny or take nuance on board.
You have blamed women for being treated badly by men.

A person who treats another badly (man or woman) is solely to blame

But then once you are treated badly don't stay and subject children to this

Alot of these behaviors you don't approve of are seeded in childhood, it's very minimising and lacking compassion to say just leave - the equivalent of telling a depressive to just pull themselves together or an addict to just stop

Of course YANBU OP

You had some funny early replies, possibly because it was late at night.

He sounds like a dick of the highest order.

It’s really unhealthy to get that involved in someone else’s relationship. Being angry for another person is a odd response

Even if dv was involved? Turn the other cheek? Of course we should give a shit about others

If my boss was obsessing over my life and relationship like this on a public forum so that strangers could debate the rights and wrongs of my relationship, I would a) be absolutely fucking furious with her and b) quite disturbed by the intensity of her interest.

My husband worked full time/long hours/away when my children were little.

I worked part time (DH didn't expect me to) and looked after our children in the week. I was default/on call parent.

I didn't mind in the slightest. Sometimes I was so busy that I had to get up earlier. But then, so did my husband - in order to earn money to pay our bills and facilitate our lifestyle.

DH didn't have to tell me to get up earlier, but then I didn't have to tell him to get up earlier either - we just did what we needed to do for our young family. If I'd been complaining about it and he'd suggested getting up earlier as a practical solution (or I had suggested it to him) it wouldn't have made me vomit.

It's just division of labour. Unless you can afford to employ someone to help look after children then one of the parents has to do it, and it can't be the one that is at work.

Or chose better in the first place.

Why are you posting someone else’s personal life on here? And she’s choosing this, she chose to have kids with no marriage, she chooses to work 20 hours a week and be financially dependent.

yes it’s not fair, but she’s agency in her own life, she chooses this, be angry at her for choosing to be with him.

Yes.

Posters are being deliberately obtuse - maybe to avoid recognising the reality of this situation for so many women. Maybe it hits too close to home for comfort.

Some men are shits. Not all. BUT Nearly all men have it easier than their wives/partners because of patriarchy structures that deem house/children/mental load as women's work even when that woman also works outside the home and is no longer "just a housewife".

It is simply unfair.

I hear what you are saying OP but i see the other side too. Why the hell do women get themselves into such situations in the first place. Why oh why would you put yourself in the situation of having children without being married, why put up with being used as a skivvy, and why allow him to be a lazy bastard? We make our choices. Coercive control is a different situation.
Very few men would put up with such rubbish behaviour from a woman.

I do literally everything at home. My husband does nothing. Never put our child to bed in seven years. Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine. But he’s not an arsehole and I would find it a bit odd if someone was raging about it 😂.

Raising a family is the loveliest but hardest job I know. Going to work (even as a primary school teacher) feels like a break.

Her partner sounds unsympathetic and clueless.

I've said before I think that the Relationships board on here should be taught in PSHE at schools. I know its an unpopular opinion but far too many women are getting themselves in this situation. It's fine to blame the man for being a dick, but preventing it happening would be better. The knock on effect would be women valuing themselves better and possibly even forcing men to step up as well.

?

I've just caught up. I'm holiday with my kids in Austria.
So many opinions but the one that stands out is paying her more !!
Jesus !!!!
We are both NHS. Public .
The bar is so fucking low here it's shocking .

But why is the focus on educating the girls on how to avoid this, rather than educating boys to not be dicks?!

Can’t you see how victim blaming this is?

fwiw - I agree that both sexes should be taught about healthy relationships and to learn how to spot red flags.

BUT - the problem with red flags is that the clever ones learn how to conceal the most obvious ones (had an ex who claimed to be a feminist, as one example !)

Far better educate boys that they will be happier and get more out of a relationship if it’s based on equality and respect.

The problem is men still get a choice when DCs are born whether to step up or not. If they don’t they usually get to carry on living at the property while the DW/DP facilitates the man child and if they do they get praised for being hands on. Win, win.

Whilst women in the equation don’t get the same choice whether to be a hands on parent or not (I know this is v general comparison). We’re conditioned to take on the load. Then we’re given shit whatever we do. Either we’re shit parents or we’re slogging and propping up a man child. Lose, lose.

No, sorry, I don't accept it's victim blaming and I have pointed out about how it would educate boys as well. Of course without being a fly on the wall in every relationship we don't know about the number of men who hide the red flags but on this forum IMO there are still far too many women walking naively into obvious disaster and or/vulnerable situations and I'm leaning that way re the OP's assistant