I'm apoplectic with rage for my assistant

[jennyswoke]

I can't even explain why I'm so full of rage because it's not my business but we work closely in our office.
She is a wonderful worker, mother , runs the home and everything in between ..

He works full time on shift. Earns big money. Pays the bills.

BUT she in anger told him how overwhelmed she was raising their kids single handedly , running the home single handedly, working around her kids nursery and school hours . On call single handedly for sick kids and appointments .

He told her to get up earlier if she was that stressed.

That's it folks.

He is not alone or unusual.
One post after another here is representative of this.
These fucking men.
They make me vomit.
Sadly she has no legal rights as she is not married to this prick.
Never been so happy to be divorced .
Pig

Honestly, this. I'd be pissed off.

You are deliberately not answering the question.

She should be doing 100% of everything for 20 additional hours than him per week.

I do not believe that admin and housework take anywhere near 20h/week, in fact I’d be surprised if it takes more than 10h/week, so it really depends how often she actually has the children and how often they are at school/nursery.

I feel your rage @jennyswoke I hope your assistant can so be in a position to stand on her own without the financial aid of this pond scum!

But I totally agree - these men don’t become pricks after the second or third child arrives. People’s life choices baffle me.

Same. He's clearly not great. But I do agree with this.

Wow, why are so many posters missing the point?

I am with you OP. Culturally men’s lives tend to stay the same after having children, while for women, our lives change irrevocably. We take on more of the mental load, lose our financial independence to care for the family, and we are no longer on an equal footing with our male partners. Clearly this man is not doing his share of domestic duties or she would have as much free time as he does. No employer would tell you to sleep less so you can work more, so why should the father of your children think that is ok?

Makes me think of this satire account that reverses gender stereotypes

https://twitter.com/manwhohasitall/status/1739650374183596332

@SisterHyster maybe I'm not being clear .
She does EVERYTHING else. Everything.
He is not involved only when she organises a holiday or a weekend away.
He stays in bed , he meets his footie friends, he fucks around with his carZ
That's it . That's his contribution to (unpaid )family work.

Why would that be my norm?

That's such a random thing to say.

Then she simply stops planning trips for him.

He is presumably contributing the bulk of the families finances? Funding said trips away?

If he is expected to do 50% of everything, fine. However I reckon he’ll expect her to contribute the same amount of money to the family pot going forward. And to work 40 hours outside the home too.

I am the person who works most hours in the home in my relationship. All the admin, cooking, cleaning etc gets done when the kids are at school/nursery and I’m at work. Not everything needs to be split evenly to be fair.

Come here. So he does everything else? I mean everything?!!

And at some point she thought it was a good idea to have not just one, but subsequent children with him and get a part time job 'mostly for experience'.

Just why?

I agree with PP that it's not 'victim blaming' to question her lifestyle choices here.

While I hate misogyny and sexism and obviously don't know this particular man (he probably is an arse), I would expect someone who works half the hours to do double the household tasks. If my DH worked half the hours I did, I would expect him to double the house work.

I guarantee he was like this BEFORE she had children with him as well.

She has agency you know. She could have chosen someone better to procreate with. She could refuse to do everything. She could leave…

He works full time on shift. Earns big money. Pays the bills.

Lucky her. Where can I find one?

I'm a solo mum so do everything anyway. Yea, bills and all.

Did she give you permission to throw her personal situation onto the internet?

I'd be "apoplectic with rage" if my boss - who is great - started a thread about my home situation.

I have only read the OP.

I think it’s reasonable for the part time worker to pick up the greater park of the domestic stuff. As long as each spouse is doing stuff, it’s fine.

However, comments like “YOu should just get up earlier” suggest that the tenor of this relationship is not kind or caring, and marriage is really important for protecting the economically weaker parent in the relationship (most often this is the woman).

I feel for women in this situation, but I also feel quite frustrated that so many women seem to think of marriage as an afterthought. I live in a country where it’s really really rare to be unmarried when you have children (of the 150 or so mothers I know whose circumstances I’m familiar with, I know a grand total of one who was unmarried when she gave birth); it’s a real reverse culture shock when talking to British women.

Bottom line is she chose this. She chose to have multiple children without any kind of security. She took a risk by putting herself in a vulnerable position which has backfired on her. These pieces of shit men keep getting away with this because there are always foolish women willing to breed with them.

Took me a while to work out who the 'he' you were speaking of is. I thought you meant she'd told this to your manager or colleague.

Anyway, are you aware of boundaries? And triangulation? And the victim, persecutor, rescuer triangle? If not, gen up. Nobody should be filled with rage over someone else's situation. If you are, see what they just did to you there? The problem is not her and her husband, it's her and you.

You'll have a bloody heart attack if you want to get apoplectic with rage over someone else's shitty relationship.

Suggestion: next time she says this sort of stuff to you, say to her 'this is very difficult to listen to as it's making me feel quite emotional and badly towards your bloke and feel upset for you'. See how fast she leaps to his defence and tells you what a great guy he is and how everything's rosy in the world and you're getting him all wrong. Then you'll know how these sort play you.

Where do you frequent? Honestly because I’ve had a pretty random life, let’s say, and have met people and fathers from all walks and the majority have been good. Even if not great, most have been well intentioned and love their kids.

Just thinking of the school gates currently, it’s about 60/40 mothers to fathers on drop off and pick up.

I definitely know arseholes. I’ve been on the receiving end, too, trust me. But I certainly am not shocked to meet a decent father?

It's literally none your damn business.

You need Codependents Anonymous.

To be honest, you don't shine too brightly either. Your first impulse was to share this on the Internet, when somebody has confided in you.

He is not alone or unusual. One post after another here is representative of this. These fucking men. They make me vomit.

🙄

Easy solution - PAY YOUR ASSISTANT MORE MONEY! Then she might be able to escape the circumstances she lives under.

I'm guessing she does more than that extra.

She's "on" 24\7 and never gets a break.

Working full time doesn't entitle anyone to make a servant of their partner

Apoplectic with rage - really? How does that differ from being very annoyed? Did you have to have a lie-down for a while? Was your blood pressure ok?

Was she apoplectic with rage? Because if you were angrier than she is when it's her relationship, that is a little odd.

You may be more comfortable on Dadsnet where your little game of "Pick Me" would be far more successful.