I'm apoplectic with rage for my assistant

[jennyswoke]

I can't even explain why I'm so full of rage because it's not my business but we work closely in our office.
She is a wonderful worker, mother , runs the home and everything in between ..

He works full time on shift. Earns big money. Pays the bills.

BUT she in anger told him how overwhelmed she was raising their kids single handedly , running the home single handedly, working around her kids nursery and school hours . On call single handedly for sick kids and appointments .

He told her to get up earlier if she was that stressed.

That's it folks.

He is not alone or unusual.
One post after another here is representative of this.
These fucking men.
They make me vomit.
Sadly she has no legal rights as she is not married to this prick.
Never been so happy to be divorced .
Pig

You are completely right, but they don’t!

actually I should have said that women tend to compromise- not that they have to or should.

But It’s a bit like the south east property market. None of us should have to pay so much to live in tiny places, but we do. Because if you don’t pay over the odds, someone else will come along and pay it and you still don’t have anywhere to live. People start looking at places that ‘have potential’ then realise they have a damp problem when they move in.

Women need to set up a union!

She is dependant on him to pay rent , bills and food . Her job is wrapped around school/ nursery hours and isn't well paid. It is for experience mostly .
As they are not married she has very little rights

why is she dependant on him? If that is the case why has she put herself in that position? Did he force her to become dependent on him ? Why didn’t she get married before having children? It gives a lot of rights in death or divorce

why do woman put themselves in these situations and how do we address preventing that from happening?

has your particular assistant sat down and discussed sorting a solution to her feeling overwhelmed? Getting an au pair, cleaner, etc has he said no to these ideas?

I don’t understand attitudes like this. We see what we see - why would we have to keep our mouths shut about shitty male behaviour just because women behave badly too? Why do you not want women to talk about how men treat women?

Ladies🤔

Of course it does. You honestly believe you have the same rights as those married?
People who are living together generally have less rights than those who are married.

That’s because it is mostly fucking men causing the issues, don’t know how you’ve missed that one.

Exactly. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 this poster is either a man or lived a very blinkered life

I can relate to the assistant this story and it's shocking how many women (I'm presuming) are defending her partner or blaming her for having children with him - men don't change overnight etc. No they don't, but the family dynamic does once children are here and only then might they show their true colours like in my situation.
When I met I had an amazing education at the start of my career in engineering, we had a good relationship, bought a house and fell pregnant about the same time. We were told he couldn't have children so this was a very happy suprise. We'd had the chat that if we were to ever get married or have children we'd combine finances. It didn't happen. I had DC1 and almost immediately fell pregnant with DC2. I had two years back to back maternity leave and i had to fund my half of the bills etc from my savings. I had no financial support from him. Now, our children are 6 and 5 and I've worked 2+ PT jobs for years to fit around drop offs/pick ups. I do lions share or chores and life admin. I'm utterly miserable, exhausted and financially struggling. My pension contributions have suffered for years whilst his have increased!
I am essentially trapped. It would be very easy for people to say leave him but I don't have anything to go to and I don't want to see my children 50% of the time they're what keep me going in life quite honestly. People could also say I should have got married but I didn't particularly want to get married. And it's so sad that in 2024 you're still without as many rights and protections because you didn't.
It f-ing sucks but my children are with me 💔

I get it OP. And I don’t think it’s fair to blame women for this. Men know exactly what they are doing and there is a high degree of societal pressure and manipulation that makes it really hard for women to change their position.

I hope you’re able to help your assistant find a much better paid job to give her more agency in her life.

Only if they allow that to happen. It’s perfectly easy to protect yourself without marriage.

Why do some men still behave like this?

Because we tolerate it, plain and simple.

Better education of women and girls to ihes dentify misogynistic behaviour from their potential partners, and understanding you can't change people would be helpful to break the cycle of women accepting the dregs of men as their partners.

My first husband was just like the one OP refers to. Fortunately I divorced him before we had any children and found myself a decent husband who takes absolutely his fair share of everything.

He's a prick OP. But your assistant did choose to have children with him, unmarried and chose to work part time. They were all her choices. It isn't victim blaming when you go into the situation with your eyes wide open.

OP, I understand your sentiments entirely. I look at my friends and so many of these intelligent, decent, dedicated, hard working women have fetched up with lazy, selfish, abusive knobs. It's so sad.

I did, but I'd hung on to my career, only had one dc and was able to walk away.

The best thing you can do is educate your sons to do their share, and your dds to be independent and never to allow themselves to be taken advantage of.

What? To cook, clean, laundry, admin? 10 hrs? Unlikely

That’s quite a reaction OP…😲

Deathbyfluffy is a man

Yes he sounds like a bellend.
However, and I don't mean to brag, but I do agree with PP that say that these men run around with giant red flags and women tend to fall at their feet and give them umpteen children.

In my mid 20s I had a brain reset and I treated men how they treated women. I hated the lot of them and I got it out of my system. I would never commit, I would be flaky, I would go their houses, do the deed and then sneak off in the middle of the night and block their numbers.
I had a fucking great time! But I also knew deep down that I was not going to commit to anyone that so much as fluttered a red flag in my direction.
And so by the time I was 28 I did meet someone who was genuine, and I settled down with a decent man who I've been with for 11 years. He cooks, he cleans, he's always been very hands on with the kids and quite frankly he's wonderful.

My point is, if your self worth is shitty and so is your self esteem then you will attract bellends who will love bomb you for a few months and then treat you like dog shit.

The only certain way to avoid being in your assistant's situation is not to become financially dependent on anyone else.

The moral of the story - don't get married to/have children with an arsehole.

How many women think they can change men?
How many think the men are hopeless but if they become a father it will change them?
How many don't care what the men are like as long as they get pregnant?
How many tuen a blind eye so long as the money keeps on coming in for their lifestyle so they can post on social media?
How many women treat men as children?

Men can terrible but so can women, and people have to take responsibility for their choices regardless of their sex, and yes I am a women.

How many women come up with 100 different reasons for women making poor choices and don't expect women to own their choices? Like they have less brain cells then men?

Why doesn’t she leave him if he’s so awful?? No-one is forcing her to remain in this situation.

The only certain way to avoid being in your assistant's situation is not to become financially dependent on anyone else.
**

Yes yes yes yes yes.

I see the posts on here about how the woman is going to be a SAHM, and I think straight away — that the power shift comes next.

Stay employed - in a career - never give up your power.

its a rare man that doesn’t take advantage somehow of a woman who is dependent on him. I believe they exist. But they are really rare. And I’m old, I’ve seen a lot.

I had an assistant last year whose partner was like this and it used to make me as infuriated as you feel just hearing about it.

I began to realise that because she was the only person in the situation able to initiate change and she seemed to just prefer to moan about him to me all day rather than get on with her job, I lost patience and this year with a new well boundaried assistant, I’m much happier.

Don’t feel the anger she refuses to process.

@Willyoujustbequiet I know DV often doesn’t start until pregnancy but that doesn’t mean there isn’t red flags. It’s often very subtle such as how they speak to others such as waiters etc. Sometimes it’s that they’re ’too nice’ and practically smothering. Don’t be chuffed because he’s ’so in love with you’ that he just has to see you every night-That’s not healthy, that’s a sign he’s going to be controlling down the line. These men are not reasonable and helpful and function completely in a partnership for the years you live together before having children then suddenly do nothing, expect everything done for them, stop sharing financial resources, become misogynistic etc.

As can be seen on this thread, so many women desperate for attention from a man and falling over themselves to be cool wives and girlfriends.

It starts in school where being popular and fitting in, is the sum total of their ambition in life. It’s really sad. ☹️

It isn’t to be with a man though is it? It’s because women know that children from nuclear families thrive more than those who don’t (don’t shoot messenger- just statistics).

As a woman, you tend to sacrifice your happiness and self-actualisation for the sake of your children.

It needn’t be this way but a lot of men exploit our vulnerability.