Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

How do you know they have 'worked all their lives' - the OP says that much of their wealth is unearned - it is purely through the rise in their house - this is not down to hard work, it is down to government policy leading to a ridiculous level of house price growth.

Their house price wealth is paid for by the following generations who have fewer options to buy a home, and who have to pay proportionally far more for the same size house.

So I think they do owe the OP something - I think all of us who have seen our houses increase in value owe the next generation something.

As to inheritance - people are living ever longer - would you really want your adult children to wait until they are 50/60 to have a chance at their own home and financial stability.

I know I wouldn't.

I have always seen inheritance from above as something that you have an obligation to pass down - it's not your money, it's family money that should travel onwards.

My parents did this. Their huge house is still too small for everyone to stay at Christmas. They really enjoy living there.

They were pretty poor and lived in a tiny house when I was growing up. I am pleased for them. They had to scrimp and save when they were my age and got where they are now in their late 50s - no different to what I and many of my generation had to do.

Personally I wouldn't wait until my mid 30s for children. I did, as I didn't meet anyone until then, and trying to conceive was awful. A very high proportion of my friends of a similar age have had to do ivf. Children will be fine in rented accommodation.

I totally get your perspective. Similar my end without parents help when they definitely could have. You will do differently if you get the chance with your own children.

YANBU OP

I'm a similar age to your parents with late teenage kids. I have
eyes in my head and can see that life is so much harder for young people these
days compared to the easy ride I had. And I'm in a similar financial position
to you parents. Oh, and I didn't 'work hard all my life' I just worked. I
suspect my kids will work a lot harder than I did.

I plan to sell my house when they've finished university, buy a
smaller house (four bed) and give my kids a really substantial sum so they can
buy a house each. I don't want to sit in a big house, watch the struggle, while
I tell them lies about them getting too many Costas.

Imvho, there is a humongous difference between replacing a 40-year old kitchen and bathroom and massively upsizing your house when your kids have left home and you have retired.

So, effectively, once you have children, your income is theirs into infinity???!

YANBU. Some people continue to be in denial about how much harder things are for younger people. I wouldn’t dream of buying an enormous house I don’t need when my kids are struggling and would benefit from the money so much more. Try to make peace with it though- they’re still your parents and they’re allowed to make those choices. I fully understand why you’re upset and frustrated though.

@Feellikeafailurenow so you had my post deleted after I replied to you calling me a “bitchy twat”. As I said your irrelevant so I couldn’t even be bothered to get your post deleted, maybe it’s because I’m a adult 😆

i know to people in their twenties, 60 is ANCIENT, but most people of 60 aren’t just settling down waiting to die. They still have hopes and aspirations. They are allowed to want more space, nice things. They don’t have to sacrifice themselves for their adult children.

Can you both not move back to you r parents and save hard for a year to get a foot on the property ladder?

Shelve any ideas of getting married and cut back where you can. Consider what of your outgoings are really non essential and ditch them.

When we bought our property we didn't go out, have holidays, etc, for a long time.

We don’t want a house that is bigger but when we have retired we intend moving an hour North from where we are and will buy a house that’s worth more than the one we are in. I suppose we will still assist DS a little but you don’t understand how people feel in the Autumn years of their lives. If you have any kind of dream that is achievable, for instance we want a bigger garden and DH wants a garage to make in to some kind of workshop then your years are running out so you do it when you can.

Also just another few things to throw into the debate.

If the OPs parents need to fund their care later in life surely it’s better that they’ve invested in a house and can sell it to do that? If they gave the OP a decent chunk of money for a house what would the OP do if, essentially, they need it back?

Older people, especially retirees, spend a lot of time at home and IMO often need more space than a young couple who are out all day at work.

In my own view, family giving can be very problematic for relationships and can definitely cause resentment. If I were the parents and I had put aside my dream house and given the money to the OP instead I’d probably be a bit miffed if the OP started going on fancy holidays/ shopping at Waitrose etc! In other cases the parents expect a say in which house is bought or how it’s maintained. Unless it’s really necessary (and as I say, the OP is not homeless) far better to keep money out of it.

Wow really??

Not, just unreasonable, disgusting to harbour feelings like that.

I do get it OP, I feel very envious of the lifestyle my parents have and it's not a nice way to feel. My mum gave up work when she got married and didn't work again until I left home at 23, they bought a house on my dad's salary (he was a teacher) and they now live a very comfortable life, 3/4 foreign holidays a year, out for dinner every week etc, where DH and I both work full time (and always have done) and have pretty much fuck all spare for anything once bills are paid. It feels super unfair but it's the way life is.

But yeh, that feeling I get when my mum tells me about yet another holiday they've booked (they are off to New Zealand this year) and I can't even afford to take my kids out for dinner, I can only imagine is magnified in your situation.

This is not at all a commentary on the ethics of buying a big expensive house when you are older (I suppose your money, your choice).

But when dh and I were looking to buy, we were looking at large homes (5 bedrooms) with land and outbuildings, in the range of 5-35 acres. We looked for 18 months so went to a lot of viewings. In all that time, I only saw another couple our age (30-40s with children). Everyone else who ever was viewing with us was, I’d estimate, 60-80 years old.

Ethics aside, but thinking now about the effort it takes us to maintain a house and land that size, I cannot imagine wanting to commit to something like that at the age when most people are realistically starting to slow down and potentially wanting a lower maintenance life. Having to mow 10 acres or trim several fields of hedges or re-surfacing farm tracks is no joke. It’s a lot of work to do (and obviously very expensive if you pay someone to do it). We got a quote to have someone come trim MIL’s hedges last year and it was £1500 (Dh was going to pay as didn’t really have time to go do them). I can’t imagine what they would have wanted to do ours - we have a lot more hedges. A big house is a lot of work and a lot of expense if it’s just two of you.

Your parents have waited a long time to have their dream home. Why shouldn't they do it? They are still a couple with their own hopes and plans.

Is it jealous Friday??

@AllAroundMyCat They will get our estate when we're dead.

They might not, they may actually end up paying for your funerals out of their own hard earned money.

Beware the bigger house - maybe they actually are planning to have you move back in with them. 🤣

As a parent of 2 20 somethings you come across as seriously entitled. That said I understand your frustration. My parents regularly stretched themselves and felt completely out of their comfort zone buying a 75 thousand pound house in '83. There is no comfort zone anymore. As a mother to 4 kids my mother couldn't understand why we were saving for their future houses and ignored them wanting to go to Uni. That said, we supported a decision to go to uni (for a position that required a uni degree) but nought else. I don't expect them to own their own properties because the market has changed so substantially, but at no point do I resent my parent's lifestyle.

Both my husband and I are obviously a lot older than you, but possibly a little younger than your parents (I'm 54).

The world has generally moved on from the idea that your parents can gift you a future lifestyle. With 4 kids we certainly can't. Even the elite lords and ladies bemoan this.

We are saving like mad to ensure each child has the same opportunity at a deposit, but even that concept is fraught. Our eldest is already 24, whilst our youngest is 14. The market will change significantly between our first and our fourth. To treat them equally would be to give the 4th substantially more financially than the first.

Equally at only 54 we are working towards our retirement that we hope will be good. BUT that retirement needs to include enough money to cope with us in old age because we don't want to be a burden to our kids.

So I think you need to consider the future. My first thought is yes you are being massively unreasonably. Possibly your parents are putting enough in place through house investment that they feel that it will cover their bills in old age.

Sorry but you're seriously entitled!

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your parents’ financial choices are entirely their own. I am stunned by your sense of entitlement.

Have you asked them why they're upsizing?

Is it possible that they're doing it as a type of pension/putting their money into a property and hoping that the price will rise over the years.
With thoughts of downsizing again in future years.

Have you not thought by investing in where they live now will only help you later in life

The think it’s often far better to have 20k to help with getting on the ladder then receiving 1m in your 60s. The security & help earlier on can mark a massive difference.

thing not think