Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

We never had help from parents who were in a position to help. An awful lot of parents do help with deposits yet some don’t and don’t seem to realise or care that they have brought children into the world and are setting them up to be disadvantaged compared to their peers. I do think it is selfish. If nobody helped their children then fine it would be equal but that’s not the case. I find it pretty callous not to help when you can. We are certainly saving to help our child if they go to uni and with a house deposit. Hopefully we will bring them up to appreciate it, recognise it and to work hard themselves. Hope they don’t become oblivious to the travails of those less fortunate.

Well it’s a bit odd that so many people are saying that they worked hard blah blah when they know full well that your parents benefitted hugely from the rise in house prices.

Is it young people saying this who can’t remember? Or older people who can’t accept that they were lucky? Or Tory party members?

Parents shouldn’t have to help their children with house deposits but given that it was far easier to buy a house when they were younger, you’d think they’d try to help.

Makes sense now why you were triggered & not me. The dead parent thing / people doing it on their own…..you couldn’t do it by yourself and needed help? That doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge the fact that not everyone does get help or can get help.

i have young children and i personally wouldn’t do as the ops parents have and would give some money to my children in the future if they needed it. We actively have savings to gift them money when the time comes for them to need a deposit but thats our choice and because we can - it doesn’t mean 30 years from now we won’t spend money on ourselves (if we are still here) We chose to have kids and support them financially but i also expect them to work hard, save, prioritise the decisons they make (e.g smaller wedding for house desposit) and make sensible choices & if i knew they resented us spending our money on ourselves and were jealous and expected us to give it all to them i would maybe think twice.

just because YOU couldn’t do it without help doesn’t mean that every parent should pay for their children or help them buy homes. The other 53% seem to be doing ok.

What are their reasons for upsizing

It's not a new fashion. It's absolutely true that it was easier in previous generations.

My grandparents got a mortgage on 4 bedroom house with a huge garden in a great location in the 1960's. My grandad was on minimum wage and my grandma didn't work!

Can you honestly see that happening now? Not a chance!

If nobody helped their children then fine it would be equal but that’s not the case

And that’s a big issue.

I am reading this post with interest. We raised our 5 sons in a three bedroom house. We just made an offer on a 5 bedroom that has a lot more amenities than our previous house. I wonder if they resent that we are spending money we could be giving them?

I haven’t had any posts deleted but if someone else has then good - shouldn’t be so nasty about peoples dead parents. I didn’t call you a bitchy twat just merely pointed out the types of conversations i “use the dead parent line” in as you asked so nicely…

I don't get it - if you're in your 20s and your parents have retired, then were they in their 40s when they had you?

I also don't understand why you would even think of spending a fortune on a wedding - you don't have that money - it would be a complete waste.

If I were your parents I wouldn't give you both - an unmarried couple - the money for a house deposit. I might give you something, but I'd get it ringfenced so that your partner couldn't claim half if you split up. Do they like your partner?

Are you both making the most of your careers?

Ha, most of Norfolk now seems to be compromised of elderly people who have retired into the county, buying up the 3-5 bed family homes. Most local people under the age of 45 have either had to move away, live with parents or if they’re lucky, have found a non-holiday rental home. The potential for upward, generational social mobility is now well & truly dead.

Well I dont see it like that whether its replacing kitchen or moving to a bigger home. If that's their dream they should go live it.

If tomorrow i made money cos I invested some money and offered it back to my parents they would not take it.

Ops said she is surprised they had this money why does she even expect to know their finances? They managed to save up some money and using equity in their house to go buy a house of their dreams. Good for them.

They won’t. We’ve made sure of that.

I think you're unreasonable OP deciding what they should be spending their money on and what they "need". They obviously want a £1million house and are fortunate enough to be able to get one. It's great they have projects they want to spend their money on together. Hopefully they're healthy and living their best lives. They are not support characters to your main story and have their own hopes and dreams

I completely understand. My dad could've done that and some after my mum died. Instead he chose to get me and my sister on the property ladder. I own my home outright because of his selflessness. You have no right to tell them what they should and shouldn't do with their money of course, but you have a right to feel miffed about it.

Interestingly I am in a different position. Both my parents died within a year and I suggested passing my share of the inheritance directly to DC and his partner. They wanted to substantially make their own way in life in the same way as we have, and her parents too. They have accepted small amounts of money towards their deposit for their home, their wedding and to paying off the final bit of the student loan as a wedding present, but it was only about three months of our salary altogether. They want us to spend our money on us and enjoy life!

In terms of saving for a wedding, we are saving £5000 for a small wedding. We want a small wedding, just not a registry office wedding. Perhaps I wasn’t clear.

We are incredibly frugal, not living the life some seem to imagine. My parents financial luck did not come until after I had left home. I did not have parental help through university. In fact my parents did not want me to go to university, as they didn’t and ‘got on fine without wasting years’.

If I was one of 5 I wouldn't be expecting a house deposit to be fair!

I am in 2 minds about this post. Firstly, we have helped our children a lot with university, weddings and house deposits and we do not live in a mansion.
However, OP, you are still young and you seem to want everything now. You can have only been working a few years. I accept that things are harder these days, but before I bought my first flat, I was living in a bedsit with a shared bathroom but most people don’t want to go without. You could also move back in with your parents or live in a flatshare while you get together a deposit.
Most people have to wait until their thirties to have children if they want a home.
Maybe your parents have all their life wanted a really nice house so you can’t begrudge them this. You will benefit from a healthy inheritance if it doesn’t all go on care home fees.

I understand…but I also bought my first home in London by having a firm grip on my savings plan so YABU - there are two of you to achieve your goals! Tbh, assessing your parents’ spending will cause unnecessary resentment. Your parents should be able to enjoy their money and the fruits of their hard work. It need not be work work work for life, mediocre house and then care home. The End.

Focus on what you and your partner can do to both save and increase your earnings - stricter budgeting, put trips on hold for a while, take a packed lunch into work, living with parents if possible or rent somewhere cheaper, picking up a few hours of extra work or extra seasonal work, high interest savings accounts, speak to a financial advisor about making passive income, get a higher paying job - might require up-skilling, do the registry office wedding for now and prioritise baby/house - have the bigger wedding later. Do all you can instead of looking at your parents and wondering why they won’t just give you a lump sum and make life easier for you irrespective of the cost to their desires.

How dare you not help your kids 😆 your so selfish! 🤪 why could you possibly need 5 bedrooms for you should be downsizing lol

@momtoboys

The bigger house will mean that a lot of your sons and their partners / children will be able visit at the same time in the future

@MILTOBE we are spending £5000 on the wedding.

Very unreasonable, parents are fully human too with desires and wants. They’ve worked all their lives and can now afford their dream house.
You grudge them for not downsizing and waiting for death?

I disagree with this. What DO we owe to the children WE brought - unasked - into this world then? Nothing? Really?
People who say this shit are just trying to justify their own selfishness.

You choose to have children, (a selfish choice in and of itself) you don't get to abdicate that responsibility as soon as it no longer suits you.

If I could, I'd give mine everything if they needed it. If they dont need it, great. But if they do - yes you owe them.

@Feellikeafailurenow I think you need to go back & read my posts because I’m not sure you understand them.

Yes, I did need help to buy as my first flat was in a now gentrified part of London where I grew up. It was 500k so despite earning well it was out of reach. I’m fully aware of my privilege. What do you think I was triggered by?

That doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge the fact that not everyone does get help or can get help.

Where have I not acknowledged that, again maybe read my posts…

We chose to have kids and support them financially but i also expect them to work hard, save, prioritise the decisons they make (e.g smaller wedding for house desposit) and make sensible choices & if i knew they resented us spending our money on ourselves and were jealous and expected us to give it all to them i would maybe think twice.

What part of the op implied she wanted all the money?

just because YOU couldn’t do it without help doesn’t mean that every parent should pay for their children or help them buy homes. The other 53% seem to be doing ok.

Again where did I say this?

What makes you think the other 53% are doing ok? I presume many are renting