Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

I hope your parents enjoy their new home - they've worked for it, why shouldnt they have somewhere they enjoy living now that they've retired - even if you'd prefer they downsize to a shoebox and give their wealth to you?

Instead of 'waiting for your salaries to increase' why not work at developing your career and becoming self sufficient instead of expecting handouts?

@bessytedsy not change the economy, but things like:-
living with a parent or relative for some time instead of renting if possible;
choosing to live in a cheaper area;
choosing a house which is far from ideal/ needs work etc;
retraining into a better paid career;
taking an extra job at weekends to increase earning power and mortgage potential;
saving on holidays, cars etc.
These are all things that me and my friends did to save for a deposit.
The main problem here is that the OP wants to spend on a wedding, I would assume that the cost of the wedding would go a decent way to a deposit. But it sounds like the OP wants to have both at the same time but have her parents fund this choice.
If they were homeless I could understand but that’s not the situation at all.

Your parents are us.
We're looking to upsize in the country. We're mortgage free and we're in our late fifties/early sixties.

We're fed up of being in a box house with neighbours breathing over us , so we're upsizing.

We may have a couple of decades ahead of us.

Our adult children are so happy for us.

They will get our estate when we're dead.

I wouldn’t resent them too much personally, but young people are not unreasonable to feel upset that successive govts have not addressed the inflated housing market leaving many of those under 40 especially in London and SE struggling to get on the housing market.

https://x.com/jburnmurdoch/status/1746506285254603067?s=61&t=JdkndO417wUfB5xJiVIJww

To help you understand why they won't give you anything - the likelihood is that they weren't given anything by their parents so probably don't have that inclination to do the same. My parents sorted themselves out and didn't help us even when we were struggling. And yes I will be collecting a massive inheritance when the time comes even minus 10year care home fees.

However I am determined for my children to enjoy theirs earlier but it's difficult- I want them to make their own way in life - as it will empower them in a way that nothing else can. So we are giving them every opportunity that money can buy rather than actual money at the moment.

Just get saving- or move in with them!!!! They'll soon give you a deposit just to leave!

not triggered. Happy to continue the convo all evening. 😘

@Savourycrepe I’m over 60 and I despair over the increase in house prices. I think treating houses as a commodity rather than a place to live causes problems.

I get where you are coming from. My parents helped me with my first deposit, from their savings. They wanted to see all of their children on the property ladder and settled. I didn't ask, they offered.
I'll be doing what I can to help my kids buy their first property too.

They could look at alternative jobs. They could take on extra work. They could approach their parents to explore the possibility of living with them temporarily while they save. They could reconsider their plans to spend money on a wedding when it could go towards a deposit.

Let them enjoy their new home
Have you not thought by investing in where they live now will only help you later in life
They are enjoying what they can afford - don’t judge just accept
Your parents have more than likely done this with your future in mind, for now you can look after yourselves

@Feellikeafailurenow what point are you trying to make? That some people buy a house without help? I’m not sure anyone has denied that. However there are lots of people like me who did have help. The bank of mum and dad are a thing and are “expected to support 47 per cent of all homes purchased by buyers under the age of 55”. Or are you just looking for a round of applause?

One of the joys of life is being able to see my parents spend money on things they couldn't before. As a full time working adult they still try to give me money and I always turn it down because they think oh well this kitchen and bathroom I've had for 40 yrs even though it needs replacing because its really old after 40yrs of use ill give the money to my kids.

No mum and dad I go to work and I earn money and even if i have to wait and save up a bit longer for x thsts okay. Its time you spent the money on your house and not just living with a kitchen and bathroom that needs updating how its lasted 40yrs ...I mean wow nowadays people want things now, op being a classic example of wanting it all now.

So im happy everytime I go back and visit how lovely their house is now with an updated kitchen and bathroom. Now my dad has dementia and again I push back on any offers and say no spend it on making yourself comfortable in your home and keep it incase you need caring help because they don't to be a burden to us in their old age as they keep telling us.

They are of the generation who got lucky with house prices I dont begrudge them. They were also living through 15% mortgage interest rates and I've heard the times they didn't eat cos they only had enough money to buy us food. They weren't high earners as immigrants to this country, they have made plenty of sacrifices and they deserve the enjoy their retirement and spend their money how they wish.

My kid is 18 months, and I am consciously putting money aside to help them with a future house deposit (as a below average earner). There is no way I am going to be happy living in a mansion, knowing my kid is pissing away 40% of their income on someone else's BTL mortgage and struggling to move their life forward. My dream is seeing my kid thrive, not having my dream kitchen.

yanbu. i would downsize and help my children in a heartbeat. i cannot understand parents who don't do this but know i am in the minority. it's just how i was raised - you work to give everything to your kids and limit spending on yourself so you can give them more. my parents did that for me and now I'm doing it for my children. i never want them to struggle. although maybe that's easy to say with two little ones and my view will change as they get older, especially if they ended up living with a wastrel. in that situation i don't know what I would do. your parents worked and I'm sure they worked hard but they lucked out and so it seems even more pertinent that they morally should share this luck with the children they chose to bring into the world. you didn't ask to be here or be born into worse economic conditions than they experienced - that's on them. they should feel some generational guilt. but hey, i know very few others will agree with me!

do your parents like your partner?
If not, they may not be inclined to give him their money.

And just to add, we received nothing from both of our parents , we scrimped, delayed payments, accrued debt and lived without holidays, with children, for years

Well it might have been nice to share it around a bit wouldn't it? I hope I would in a similar situation

I can see why you're upset OP- I bought without help and my parents didn't help despite having multiple large inheritances, help from their parents and some fortunate circumstances themselves. The result is I have already planned to help my DC as much as I can financially as I don't want them to struggle like I did. I want to see them happy and have an easier life than mine.

Agree.

Yes, I think they are monumentally selfish.

I understand @toastlover100

I feel similar about my auntie & uncle who have done the same, although obviously I'd never expect them to be helping me out financially with anything so it's not for that reason.

It's more the rest of what you said - DP & I are in a flat with our baby, no outdoor space, only one bedroom. No sign of moving soon due to childcare costs. Aunt & Uncle moved out of what was already a beautiful family home in a lovely area - probably 4 bedrooms at least, gorgeous garden etc etc - into an even nicer house in another lovely area. It's only the two of them in the house, children and grandchildren are grown up, and each time we visit I come away feeling down, thinking how much I'd love it if my little family could afford a house at all, let alone such a perfect one.

It's nothing against them and it's great for them they have had this option available to them, but it's just the stark contrast between their lives and mine. They have literally been able to upsize in their 70s, whereas I'm in the exact point in life where we need a family home the most and we have no chance.

It's just hard to swallow sometimes OP, so I get it.

@Heronwatcher not everyone can live cheaply with relatives though can they? These days cheap areas often don’t have the well paid jobs. Building costs make doer uppers a no go really. DH & I worked/work out & have good salaries however without that parental help we would have been priced out by the time we saved a deposit.

We got nothing from either side. Our deposit was my parents' wedding present money. We didn't have a penny to scrape ourselves with otherwise. I was on the dole as we'd moved out of London and I was jobhunting.

PIL left fuck all when they died - didn't own a house. Inherited some from mine but family member living their day in family home. Won't ever see it.

Just had to make our own luck really.

YABVVU Your parents can do what they want with their money. Just like you'll do what you want with your money. You're jealous. Presumably you'll be lucky enough to get an inheritance so you've got that to look forward to.