Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

To the ‘work hard’ and ‘make good financial decisions’ brigade- please get over yourselves.

The average house price is £288k. The average salary is less than £35k. So how can an average earner afford an average home by working hard? And what are these ‘good financial decisions’ in this context? Buying a lottery ticket and praying? And I’m saying this as someone who has managed to get on the housing ladder by saving but also through some good luck.

It’s incredibly hard for most people to buy a house. And wanting to start a family and have small wedding in your late 20s/early 30s is not unreasonable, so OP shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it. It’s not like she’s pining for a Ferrari and champagne baths.

You are not unreasonable to feel this way, OP. Of course your parents are entitled to use their money as they see fit. But if they know your struggles and still turn a blind eye when it’s easily within their means to help, they are very selfish and it’s understandable that you are disappointed. My parents are not ‘million pound house’ rich but they helped me as much as they could from the little that they had. I will forever be grateful to them and would not hesitate to help them in return. And I can’t imagine not helping my dc. It’s what families do.

You and your partner have made your choices. Everyone these days knows what house prices are like, and what jobs pay well.

What choices can young people make to change the economy?

Yanbu

They have benefited by luck and probably haven't worked any harder than you're working!

Any decent parents would want to help their children out if they were in the position to do so imo!

YABVVVU

I'm with you OP.

Life is so hard now. My DHs grandparents worked as a hairdresser and the wife did a bit of admin on and off. They lived in a house that sold recently for close to a million in Surrey. Beautiful family home that they purchased for a few thousand back in the day.

Can you imagine going into the bank now, with one worker (low to average salary) and one stay at home parent. And then giving you enough cash for a 4 bed house in a nice part of Surrey 🤣

Honestly it makes me so cross. I earn close to 60k and dh has run his own business for nearly 20 years and we cannot afford to get out of our very small starter home that we purchased over 10 years ago.

It doesn't make sense. Life is impossible now. It's not life choices either. My kids have never been on a plane. We don't live a lush life. I wear clothes from new look! Food is off the chart expensive, payrise stuck compared to house prices.

Meanwhile the older generations in my family are enjoying life in their huge houses, mortgage free, retired for a while, enjoying lovely cruises and holidays. They had kids and weddings too. Something just isn't fair here.

How do you expect someone to improve their own situation when wages have stagnated and taxes and house prices have increased hugely?

It is easy to feel let down when her friends are helped with deposits for house buying, because their parents understand what the situation is.

I see I'm out of step, but I'm used to that. I am 62, my husband is older, and we are in a not dissimilar position to your parents - we bought a house in London a long time ago. By no stretch of the imagination can we be said to have worked for the market value our house has now, it's sheer luck that house prices have risen to their current obscene level. If our children were in your position, I'd be offering them money rather than moving somewhere bigger.

Its interesting that posters like the above, my parents & in-laws etc can see it but others refuse to acknowledge it at all.

I can see where you are coming from OP.
My parents and husbands parents are boomers, dads went to uni for free, bought houses which went massively up in value, now have generous rest of life pensions and are very comfortable. I’m not saying they didn’t work for it, but their generation was fortunate in a lot of ways. They gave us money towards our first house deposit. I would do the same for our children. I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer to help out your kids if you were similarly well off.

I understand OP.

And I'd suggest it's the system you're mad at rather than resenting your parents

It stinks.

Some may, many don't. I blame Mrs Thatcher, for whom I never voted. She abolished the sensible measure that used to apply - you couldn't get a mortgage for more than 3 times your salary as a single person, or 2.5 times your joint income if you were a couple (or 3 times higher income + lower income). Mortgages couldn't be given for more than 95% (I think - it could even have been 90%). This kept the lid on house prices and once all that was abolished and she and her city cronies were encouraging the mutually owned building societies to become banks with shareholders house prices went through the roof.

In my family none of the generation who are around your parents' age would do what your parents are doing, OP, without first ensuring their children were secure and able to purchase their own homes. In my family there would be eyebrows raised and tutting. You don't just leave your offspring to struggle while you go off to live the high life. We operate on a no one gets left behind basis (unless they are absolute bastards). So let me tut at them on your behalf. Not good form.

I think this sucks. One of the joys in life is helping our children out and watching the fruits of our labour help those we love

If at @OldTinHat child can do it in the SE on 19k, I guess anyone can ? All you need is a partner on the same low salary, 5 years to save a quarter of one wage a month, one wage being taken up with the rent, the rest of the remaining wage ( 1k ) is more than enough to pay all bills and travel etc for the month. I think they are very lucky to find a house/flat that cost only £160k in the SE, or are mortgages more than 3X combined salary nowadays ? Or have they 'bought' a shared ownership property ?

We're 60. We spent our money rearing our kids, paying through the nose for childcare and then supporting them through uni. Yes, our house has appreciated in value but we'd have to goddamn sell it to realise that, and we kinda need to live in it...!

Still doing it with kids in their 20s. Can't afford to give them a deposit for a home but can contribute by letting them live in my house while they save.

Maybe you could move in with your parents @toastlover100 while you save too?

Still doing it with kids in their 20s. Can't afford to give them a deposit for a home but can contribute by letting them live in my house while they save

thats really helpful too, it’s not just about physical cash.

It's the best we can do. One is doing a postgrad in Europe, zero funding. They can whistle for a deposit for a house!!!

Jealousy is fine- feel what you need to feel and then move on! You don't need to justify anything.

Depending on your relationship, be honest and tell them... I am envious of your postion and stressed about how things are going to work out for me. All these financial concerns are worrying for me. Perfectly valid way to feel. If they are understanding great, if not reduce the contact for a while until the storm passes.

YANBU op.

It’s impossible to get on the housing ladder now. Much bigger deposits are needed as house prices keep going up and up and wages stagnate.

@Feellikeafailurenow Clearly I triggered you, but you could have come up with a better response. Apt user name at least!

I personally can't imagine watching my DC struggle whilst having huge amounts of money in the bank. I know everyone's different and they technically don't owe you anything but it's sad that they have the means and don't want to.

You sound incredibly entitled OP.

This is terrible advice. Don't do this.

On one hand, I cannot imagine being in your parents’ situation and not helping my child. I had help from my parents for which I am extremely grateful and I’m aware I’m privileged. However, I’m also aware it’s a gift and I never expected it.

On the other hand, you sound expectant and entitled in not wanting to have a small wedding and perhaps that comes across to your parents? Or perhaps they’re selfish? Or maybe both?

@Runnerinthenight we lived with one side & had a cash gift from the other. Both amazing help