Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

@EveryonesSlaveApparently you sound like a great mum! But then your situation here is irrelevant! You’ve described doing everything you can to enable your kids within your possibilities. The OP is upset her parents are buying a million pound property and not giving a glance to her situation, which is wildly different to how you have looked after your kids

OP I am going against the grain and saying you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Both our neighbours (each side of our house) have done this. Couples in their late 60s living in large 4/5 bedroom houses. And have moved recently.

They do very little entertaining. One set are away travelling for the majority of their time and the house sits empty.

The other set have been 'doing the house up' ....for an absolute eternity and still don't even live in it. They are living in their other house in another county for the most part

Obviously plenty of money but it does seem an enormous shame that families cannot benefit from the space/bedrooms etc. What a waste!

I guess some folks just like to show off and be wasteful - typical of the human race sadly.

You don't know that though. If they have paid OP's way through university and set her up, she's now independent and they've done well by her. Her parents may not know she is struggling. We don't actually know the parents' reasoning behind their move, which is unusual at their age. That would be interesting to know. It also doesn't sound like OP has asked her parents. If they can't spare it, maybe they can organise a loan for some of the deposit. If they want to, they don't have to.

I totally get OP feeling a bit disappointed if they are rolling in a couple of million dollars and aren't helping her out towards a house if they could do it without hurting their own elderly independence. It doesn't change that they don't owe her a wedding or house deposit though.

There are also plenty of us here who hope to help our kids financially one day, because we want to. Without any pressure from ‘entitled’ kids.

Sorry I didn't make myself clear, we could have upsized as OPs parents are but we decided to stay put and help our children instead. We are still in our first home.

Some of the comments are so transactional. Some people are saying that your kids owe you because you spent money bringing them up. My children owe me nothing as it was my choice to have them and of course I would spend money on feeding and clothing them until they were adults! I also hate the comments that if parents don’t give you stuff then you won’t visit them in their care home. That kind of thing is unpleasant to read.

I am no martyr, but it brings me genuine joy to help my children out in any way. They are at university and who knows what they will end up doing. But property where we are in London is very expensive so they may not end up living here. We are still some way from paying our mortgage off but one day I really hope we can do something to make their lives easier financially. That would bring me a lot of pleasure. I do not want to see them struggle. To date they are lovely and grateful young people.

It seems normal to me because of my upbringing, to help the next generation and I am sure that my children would continue doing the same as my parents did for me. I really cannot see what is wrong with this if all parties are decent. If people can afford it, of course.

I think some of the views on this thread reflect the change in the attitude towards family in western society.

Did you ask your parents for help? I think yabu really, they're entitled to spend their money how they want to

I agree. As much as I don't feel I owe my children a wedding or house deposit (not that I can't choose to give it, just that they aren't entitled to it), I don't feel my children owe me either. Which is also a good reason to make sure that I maintain financial capability into old age.

My parents didn't give me anything like the degree of help I'm giving my children. I was on my own at 17. I still call them every week and stay in touch more often though. They don't owe me anything for me to get in a pip over.

Yeah tbh I wouldn’t be upsizing if DD was still renting. I’d be helping her with a deposit, it’s getting harder to get on the property ladder and I’d want Dd to be as secure as possible. Plus I want my home to be the least hassle possible so in the future I can live there for as long as possible.

I am absolutely not up for regular childcare though.

Then hopefully your DD won't get the attitude some do around here where, if you don't care for their child or fail at GP duties in their eyes, they won't help you out in older age either. It's almost like older people aren't allowed to have their own wants in life.

I’m afraid you are being unreasonable and it sounds like money grabbing and jealousy.

I hope I’ll be in the financial position to help my children when they’re adult. However, I’d be disappointed if they complained about my situation and if they felt entitled to money. If they asked me and I have the funds, I would absolutely help them but I’d expect them to use their words.

I do think the fact you want a £5k wedding yet would benefit from a couple of grand from your parents suggests your financial priorities are skewed though.

toastlover100. Use your vote wisely at the next election. The disparity in wealth is down to how the country is being lead. Abolishing inheritance tax keeps the rich holding on to what they have, presently those leaving a million or less rarely pay IH anyway

Still don't understand how parents are accused of dumping their kids when they are 18 and watching them struggle if they don't fork out for a house deposit. Quite a leap really.

My parents' rule was that we supported ourselves financially from the afternoon of our last day at school. It was really tough. I didn't do that to my children.

Some of the comments are so transactional. Some people are saying that your kids owe you because you spent money bringing them up. My children owe me nothing as it was my choice to have them and of course I would spend money on feeding and clothing them until they were adults! I also hate the comments that if parents don’t give you stuff then you won’t visit them in their care home. That kind of thing is unpleasant to read.

Sometimes it’s the reality though even if there is no transactional intent, as logistics matter. One of my childhood neighbours is constantly moaning to my parents about her ds abandoning her & her health is failing & she’s struggling to maintain her large home etc. I know her son, he didn’t abandon her but after having dc, himself & his wife relocated from London to Glasgow to be near her family & afford a bigger home. His mum has never given him a penny (she is wealthy) & has refused to even babysit once. Of course he’s not going to come down from Glasgow every weekend to mow her lawn or paint something! And if she goes into a care home which is looking likely he can’t possible visit much.

Neither did I. My DC have a far better life than I did. Even they acknowledge that.

I think it is a very fine line between not wanting your DC to struggle, and wanting them to stand on their own feet and not be entitled. I don't see living in a flat as struggling because I am not originally British and I grew up in a flat. As did my DC.

You're getting a hard time OP but I think you're right to be hurt. Any decent parent in their situation would help you out. They sound incredibly selfish. Just remember their selfishness if they ever need your help.

I grew up in a rented flat too. My grandparents lived all their life in a rented flat. My parents eventually bought, but they bought the flat they lived in and only just managed to do it. I don't see having your own home in the form of a rented flat as struggling either.

The OP hasn't asked for help, so the parents haven't had an opportunity to demonstrate any level of selfishness. They're not mind readers.

I think flats (rather than houses) are fine too, but renting rather than owning is not what most people would want for their kids. Even if the OP has not asked for any help, I think it is surprising that her parents have not at least offered. They must know she is renting?

I suppose I am different from most parents then.

These things go both ways. I looked after my dad in his own home with my mum's help for years when he had cancer. Because no one goes to a home in our culture. If you want help from your parents as in other cultures, are you prepared to live like other cultures? I don't expect to inherit much and certainly not a home.

I just don’t get what some people on this thread expect older people/ retirees to do? It seems like the sequence is as soon as your kids are old enough to start thinking about marriage/ kids, sell house, pay money to kids, move into small retirement apartment and that’s it (although of course you should be on hand to provide unlimited childcare if requested). And this is people who could be 60- who could have 40 years left of life if they’re lucky! And if they do need long term care for dementia etc they need to rely on the goodwill of their kids and the kids selling the family home, uprooting Mabel and Johnny from their home/ school to pay for a nice care home because they’ve given all their money away. That’s not going to happen and it’s no way to expect people to live.

And yes, lots of boomers have worked incredibly hard. My own parents both worked full time, no flexible working or wfh, barely any employment rights, sexism and racism rife in the workplace, sick leave minimal. We didn’t go abroad on holiday until I was in my teens, I can count on one hand how many times we ate out, wore second hand clothes and I’d never seen an avocado until I went to uni (I’m only mid 40s BTW). Obviously people are different but I have no intention of making my parents feel guilty for enjoying their later life, that’s not selfish it’s what they deserve after a gruelling working life.

I wonder if when you have DC you will also expect your parents to drop everything to look after them?

Their money their choice