Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

Times have also changed in a way that affects older people. Their children are more likely to live far away and so not be as available to help aging parents. Their children are more likely to be working full time, so less available to contribute to their care. They are more likely to have children later, so busier with raising a family with less time to care for aging parents. In the past there was much more intergenerational support. These days, older people expect to support themselves a lot longer and in ways their parents maybe never had to. So can't blame them for having to be financially conservative. They might appear to have a lot but, as soon as they start paying carers to do things children might once have done, it will go fast. I totally understand why they might not readily give it away when the future is so uncertain.

This is just the way society has moved. It was much more likely to have local and interdependent families two generations ago.

@Coyoacan “ungrateful wretches” …wow

I'm quite shocked at the level of entitlement on this thread with those thinking that their parents should always subsidise them and basically maintain their standard of living. Do people really think like this?

I was raised to make my own way in life and while my parents have helped me in emergency situations, there is no chance they would pay for a deposit for a house, a car or a wedding. I wouldn't even dream of asking them or expect it. They aren't poor by any means either.

Likewise, my children won't be getting house deposits, money for a car or payment for a large wedding. If they want these things then they have to get jobs and work for them.

OPs parents have every right to spend their money on what they wish. It's not their job to buy a house for the OP.

@EveryonesSlaveApparently yes times have changed where the most weath in the country is held by the baby boomer generation.

When you're their age, you'll have accumulated much more wealth too. The boomers are a big generation well into aging. There's going to be a lot of inherited wealth soon. I don't expect anything, or not much, which is fine by me. I told my parents they don't owe us an inheritance and to blow the lot on a world trip or whatever the heck they want. They're not though and are sensible enough to know they need to make provision for their old age too.

@StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance i can’t see anyone saying parents should subsidise a standard of living.

Read the thread. Getting given deposits and weddings paid for is having a standard of living subsidised.

@EveryonesSlaveApparently yes but when they were my age they were able to purchase a lovely family house in a lovely area. Goals well out of reach these days.
im not resentful of their generation, it just annoys me that people won’t acknowledge how life has changed for the worse economically

@EveryonesSlaveApparently but people wouldn’t need gifted deposits if housing was affordable.
let me guess, you put down a 2k in 1980 which you “worked hard for” ….equivalent to 10k today which would get you fucking nowhere

Not all boomers have had it so easy. Mine rented. There are still many boomers and even members of the silent generation in rental accommodation themselves, and struggling. Maybe that was your parents (most people's parents were certainly much better off than mine) but it doesn't apply to everyone. I remember my mother crying after being turned down for mortgage after mortgage till they finally found someone ready to take the risk on them.

That's beside the point though. My parents are lucky to have children who don't expect them to fund them, even though they have more wealth than we do. I'm looking to set my children up well but there's only so much I can do. I couldn't give them a house deposit if I wanted to. I don't owe it to them though. I'm doing what I am because I want to. If they were entitled about it I think I'd feel less generous.

I'm way younger than that. lol

@EveryonesSlaveApparently “ I don't owe it to them though. I'm doing what I am because I want to.”
this bit I don’t get? Surely you want you kids to have every opportunity available

OP when you say your parents are upsizing, are they buying a bigger house for the £1mill or a house that's roughly the same size as their current one but is more expensive because it's in a high cost area?

yes but when they were my age they were able to purchase a lovely family house in a lovely area. Goals well out of reach these days.

So if all the older generation were able to buy lovely family houses in lovely areas, who were living on the sink estates?

I’m with you OP. I wouldn’t want to see my daughter struggling in rented accommodation, having to move the grandchildren out of school catchment area and all the distress of upheaval.
It’s bonkers. It will all go to the government when they die anyway and who’s going to maintain the house when they’re unable to?

Could they be trying to make some money through property development before downsizing eventually?

Of course, but that doesn't mean that my wants and needs don't matter. Anyway, I have a 300K mortgage, so handing our house deposits isn't on the agenda. Not that they are at that stage.

I find it telling that you think I must be older because I don't feel like my parents owe me.

Wow. My parents loaned me money to buy my first flat and I had to pay back monthly instalments. When interest rates went up, I had to sell my flat as I could no longer pay my parents back on their monthly terms. They had plenty of money. So I understand the wish for more generous parents. I was lucky though - the flat had gone up by £15k and I had paid off some mortgage so with my partner a couple of years later, we were able to buy a place together. Shortly after, we had children and we have sacrificed many, many hopes and dreams in order to prioritise their needs, as most (all?) parents do. When they leave home, please God they do not blame me for starting up my own life again or demand that I remain responsible for their finances or lack of them going forwards. I will be over 60 by the time my youngest is 18. Does this make me too old to deserve to spend my money on myself?
Hopefully my kids won’t think so.

@Bingobatman of course you can spend money on yourself but “we had children and we have sacrificed many, many hopes and dreams”……ffs you chose to have kids.

Can't say I ever felt it was a sacrifice. I wanted children more than the other things.

@EveryonesSlaveApparently you wanted children more than anything yet owe them nothing?

YABU and bratty. They have had to wait until retirement to have the house they want, so basically all their the working lives and now you want them to give their money to you. Your parents can’t win unless they bestow money on you from cradle to grave.

Comprehension problems? I don't owe independent children a house deposit or a wedding. I owe them the standard things they need for a good childhood. I've given my children more than I ever got in support. I have supported them as children, given them a good education, supported them through university and severe illness over the age of 18. I still pay all their medical bills and education costs and buy them groceries and clothes and other things to help them out. I pay for transport or provide the transport myself. They are late teens/early 20s (the same age I was when I started having children and was independent of my parents completely) and they get to stay at home as long as they need to, with their own space. I could tell them we want to get a house with land that requires less work but we're staying put for them, because it helps them. I recently offered to buy a child a car to help them launch their new career. What else do you want me to do?

I won't be paying for a wedding. I won't be giving them a house deposit. Considering I have a 300K mortgage, I couldn't even if I wanted to. If I was in a position where I could give each child the same deposit (I can't imagine being that rich), while not risking my elderly independence in future, I would. But that's a generous gift from me then, not something that is an obligation.

I do have a plan for giving them housing security for the future but that won't be an option until I've paid off my own mortgage. Which is my mortgage and I never would expect my parents to pay a cent of even though they've been mortgage free for years.

They're actually lucky that I'm able to do as much as I do for them already.

Have you asked them directly for financial help OP? I would definitely do that.

I am unimpressed by parents who watch their dc struggle financially when they are in a position to make things easier.

Obviously your parents are free to make their own choices but to me they seem selfish and self absorbed.

You may not be entitled to receive financial help from your parents but you absolutely are entitled to ask them for it.

I'm a boomer - boo hiss - and while I recognize people's rights to spend their money how they wish I could not and did not do this. We struggled when we were young, I wanted my children's lives to be better. We helped them all become home owners and although we can't completely negate the affect of the COL I like to think we have given them an easier ride than we had.