Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

I suspect there is a lot of overlap between the people saying "Well, you need to delay childrearing!?! Silly selfish 20-somethings, fancy thinking you can have kids now!!!" and the people who then go on to point the finger at 35-ish women who are struggling to concieve: "Well, what do you expect? People used to have kids in their 20s. Women these days are so selfish with their careers and holidays, thinking they can put off pregnancy for ever."

I voted yabu,because it is there choice how they spend their money.

Having said that it is not something I would do.I am widowed with 3 children and I have helped them all out financially,so that they have their own homes.I am now thinking about helping out my granddaughter and partner get a house.

@Notanotherusernameunavailable congratulations. But as you stated that wasn’t the norm. I’m sure I could go buy a cottage in some wales backwater for 40k. Just a personal experience of “I survived “ doesn’t mean we can’t relate to what others are going through

Maybe they won the lottery and haven't told you and they've got another £59 million to go...

Only joking but what they do with their money is literally none of your business. If you're struggling, make a direct request for assistance to them or 'zip it'.

If you haven't asked for help and then feel resentful they've not offered help, then that's a bit juvenile IMO. If you ask and they refuse, well, hm you know where you stand.

I sometimes feel privileged that myself and siblings come from a background of poverty and zero money - we've had nothing to fight over!

Well plan to help your own and pass the favour on!

It might not matter to you, but it did matter and there was negative equity in the house. There's a lot of ignorance about the past market.

And interest rates were very high - 13% and well over 50% of earnings.

We bought in 1990
It was horrific

@reflecting2023 if you’re not willing to look at facts what is the point in discussing

Those are the facts. I lived it.

@reflecting2023 1990….one of the most affordable times in the past 40 years
https://www.economicshelp.org/blog/5568/housing/uk-house-price-affordability/

In your situation the wedding thing is madness. If you want to be married, go to the registry office and have lunch with a few friends and family afterwards. Yes, I had a nice wedding with a couture dress but we had bought a house by then (and paid for it all ourselves). Unfortunately, the landscape has changed for you. My own parents eloped and married in a church with two witnesses. My parents were different religions and the church belonged to neither of their faiths so it probably wasn't my mother's dream wedding. It is really only one day and, although I enjoyed my wedding day, I would never have prioritised it over the house or being able to afford to have children. My parents were married for nearly 60 years so it's not the wedding day that's important.

I think you should talk to your parents about the possibility of some help because they may have no idea of your financial realities. I myself plan to help at least one of my children with a deposit when the time comes. They are younger and will likely earn less than their sibling who is in a highly paid profession and who we supported for years during university and training.

@Totupthenumberspls I'm sure you could NOT 'go buy a cottage in some wales (sic) backwater for 40k' .
House prices in Wales are very high indeed; derelict burnt-out ruins are being bought by developers and wealthy 'outsiders' for in excess of £150k . Their potential value after total renovation is out of reach for local first time buyers .
There is also a massive increase in the number of holiday and Airbnb houses . Entire indiginous village populations have been driven out .

@Myfluffyblanket yes probably by retired boomers wanting to “invest” in housing.

I think I would be tempted to say to the parents, we are foregoing the wedding due to the need to save for a housing deposit.

If they had this dream of watching Daughter sailing down the aisle in a pretty white dress and are now given a heavy hint that no, this will not be happening because of the difficulties your generation is facing in terms of affording housing, this message might possibly serve as a bit of a reality check about the fact that if their generation wants their kids to have weddings and have grandkids, then they will need to share some of the good fortune that they have enjoyed vis-a-vis the housing market of the past few decades.

You are still in your 20s and your parents in their 60s. You have time to build up your life, just like they did. It didn't happen overnight for them either. Took them 60 years to get there where they are now. Let them enjoy their life. I will be happy if my parents are comfortable financially. I will however, encourage them to get a house that is easier to maintain with bedrooms on the ground floor considering their age. I will also ask them if they have savings for care. Is your resentment coming from feeling that you didn't get t enjoy that life when you were a child and with them and you still have to work hard to get a decent standard of life? You can begrudge them when you are 60 and if you still are not financially settled. It's too early for it for you.

For those saying "Oh, but the 80s and early 90s were just as terrible for buying a house" -- no, they were not. Look at the figures, please. High interest rates at the time do not even remotely counterbalance the fact that the housing itself was massively more affordable than today. We all have our opinions, but misinformation and innumeracy by some posters on this thread is getting tiresome.

@Kokeshi123 exactly. I find it mind blowing people can’t acknowledge the change in society. So of course the op can feel a bit miffed. Times have changed and expectations have to as well, doesn’t mean she can’t feel upset about it.

I second that emotion.

I'm getting a bit sick of mumsnetters who expect their parents old age to be devoted to childminding and handing over large sums of money to their offspring.

There’s so many people on this thread suggesting OP delay her marriage, delay her family plans, work hard and get a deposit….
Shes late 20s, not 18. Can she not be despondent that the lifestyle her parents had is no longer in her reach?

@Coyoacan fair enough, but why have children if when they turn 18, you don’t give a shit about them and leave them to it

@Coyoacan did not say this. No-one on this thread has suggested this.

@Totupthenumberspls yes , those and a great many young professional couples with children and stunningly good incomes wanting a holiday home with access to our rugged landscape .

@Myfluffyblanket agreed, second home ownership is an issue

fair enough, but why have children if when they turn 18, you don’t give a shit about them and leave them to it

That is a stretch between cutting your children off at eighteen and just giving up all your pleasures in old age to make those ungrateful wretches lives easier.

The generalisations about the older generation on mumsnet are also something else. I left home when I was sixteen and never asked anything of my parents after that.

And I happily give things to my own adult dd, but she doesn't act like she is entitled