Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

Emigrate to a better country than here, e.g. Australia. That's what I do if I were your age, especially pre-kids. You will enjoy a far better standard of living and achieve your family goals much faster.

Australia has most of the same problems we do, especially when it comes to housing. Plus the wildlife is out to kill you.

@Onabench having children is a choice? Jeeze at what point in human evolution has it been a choice? It became a choice in the 60s thanks to contraception and such like. Now it’s a choice based on whether a couple can afford a house to start a family?!?

What!?! It's not the OP's money. It's not the OP's business.

I think many people would be disappointed with this situation, but that would be quietly to themselves and they would know they were being unreasonable.

I didn't wait to have children until I could afford a house. Neither did my parents by a long way. I think it's a shift in priorities.

what is your point? It’s been a choice for a long time. Why start a family without a home? Not getting your point

Yes but 30/40 years ago it was easier to afford a house in your early 20s. Now women are encouraged to persue careers, and even if they did want to prioritise a house would be much older till they could afford one

Have you asked them outright for some money? Perhaps if they were going to pay for the wedding you could say you’ll have the money towards a deposit on a home instead?
Do first home buyers get rebates from the govt in the UK? We do here in Australia not sure if it’s the same there?
I would just ask if it were me. Bring it up and tell them how they can help.

Of course having children is having a choice and good parents make sure they can provide for their children emotionally and financially before they choose to have them

@Onabench well the average age of first time buyers now is 37, being as female fertility starts dropping dramatically before then I would think waiting for a home before a family in this day and age would be ridiculous

Not sure how the parents of the OP could anticipate that or plan to give up their retirement for that though. It isn’t their job to facilitate potential grandchildren and future family homes

echt
You can spot the boomers on this thread from the fact they call a house an “investment “ as opposed to a home

I'm 60. A house is a home to me.

I left home at 24 got a flat under the Council's Sons & Daughters scheme whereby if your parents had a Council flat then you could get one. I bought that flat when I was 27. Eventually sold it and bought a house.

I have 2 DCs and yes it IS harder nowadays so I've always helped them as much as I can. I didn't want to stay on at secondary school so I left at 16. Easy - employers such as BT and British Gas would come to schools back then, to recruit. I had my job interview at school in Year 11, got the job with BT and then when I left went straight to work with them. After a short time I left the job and went to Uni.

When I was at Uni I got a student travel card, and a grant towards books. No tuition fees. I lived with my parents and had a 1 evening per week + Saturday job, Id give them half my wage that was it.

I wont lie to DCs and lie about how hard I struggled. No, I didnt. I grew up on a rough Council estate but in terms of getting a flat and a job I wouldn't say I was lucky; all my friends were in the same position as me, it was the norm to have a job and your own place, and to be able to afford it too.

I dont understand parents with an 'I'm alright jack' attitude, parents who speak as if their offspring are inconvenient lodgers and should have it all together financially by age 25, ready to put down a house deposit and get out. Times have changed drastically its rough out there for young people, in a way it wasn't for us. Especially the many who benefited from free Uni, and very affordable housing - at least stop with the 'pulled myself up by my bootstraps' false stories if you're choosing to wilfully not see how society has done a number on young people.

OP - ditch the £5000 wedding. Spend half that amount. Youre young and not on your own, may take a while but you'll gradually get the life you want especially with salary raises. Good luck.

@Nofilteritwonthelp and surely affordable and accessible homes should be a basic necessity.

The baby boom generation benefitted hugely from low house prices, and now enjoy a lot of state benefits (the state pension is defined benefit, not contribution - it is paid for by current taxpayers, and is NOT a pot that people “paid into all their lives) that younger generations will not enjoy - all these nice freebies will have been whittled away (through means-testing and relentless raising of the accessible age) by the time 20-somethings retire.

Older people who are sensitive and kind are cogniscent of this reality, and deliberately choose to help out younger people in their families and do what they can to make things easier for other young people (not voting in ways that screw over the young, not constantly blocking new housing developments in their areas on spurious pretexts).

My parents and MIL are nice older people and they “get” the above reality and act accordingly. Some older people are tone deaf. The OP’s parents sounds like they fit the latter description.

@Onabench ok, they don’t need to anticipate it, they can see what’s happening right now. But we can agree to disagree . I guess I can never imagine seeing myself saying “fuck that, you’re on your own” to my daughter

Am sorry do you not understand how it works? Well when two people like each other very much they kiss and in 9 months the stork arrives.

Of course it's a choice.

@WhatWhereWho yes but the point here is people suggesting the younger generation need to prioritise, delay having a family, stop ordering avocados…..then it will be ok

I help my kids out - But, to point out that we bought in a time of the boom and high interest rates. There's a lot of odd jealousy and pre conception about older homeowners. It seems to then give people the feeling they can tell people what to do with their money instead of working hard to make something of themselves on their own right and relying on handouts.

I don’t agree to disagree 😂 you’re wrong. We’re all on our own paths. There is no ideal route, just make the most of the time you have. Everyone needs something for themselves after dedicating decades to their children, but you suit yourself, I am sure your kids are grateful 🙂

@reflecting2023 i think it’s more frustration over jealousy. No one denies the high interest rates of the 80s, but a high interest on a small amount is not comparable. All the statistics show the current younger generation are in a poorer position and the first generation to have less wealth than their parents in decades.
if those in fortunate positions could show more compassion and understanding, perhaps there would be less conflict

Agree

Haven’t RTFT. I can understand your frustration, OP, but don’t let it affect your relationship with your parents. Personally I can’t think of anything worse than having a larger property to maintain as I get older, I’m more interested in a small house or a flat.

I have to admit that I find it odd when ppl upsize to larger properties when their families have grown, but your parents aren’t the only ones. My in-laws raised four children in a medium -sized house (small bedrooms and DH and his brother shared a room), but then they added an extension after all their children had moved out! Now they’ve got a big house for two people! 😆 No financial help with house deposits or anything like that.

i bought my first flat 30 years ago. It was very unusual for a female to be buying in her own name.

i managed to buy by working through college and uni and saving a decent deposit. I bought in a cheap student area, and I bought a flat, not a house. My mortgage was 1 year fixed at 7%- that was a really good deal.

many of my friends openly thought I was mad. Why would I tie myself down to a mortgage at 23. Why didn’t I wait until I was “ready to settle down” i.e get married and buy with a man. They all wanted nice 3 beds with a garden in a nice part of town.

then 10 years later whinged about how “lucky” I was getting on the housing ladder so early. 10 years after that they were divorcing and telling me how lucky I was buying by myself so no splitting my house with a man.

round here in my northern town you can get flats and 2 up 2 down houses for less than £140k. For a female persuing a career that is still affordable.

But, to point out that we bought in a time of the boom and high interest rates.

It doesn't matter. The ratio against earnings was still so, so low compared to today.

I am an inbetweener and own my own (modest sized) home, but sympathize hugely with younger people who are struggling right now.

My parents' friends are now refusing to downsize due to the lack of bungalows, and moaning endlessly about how wicked it is that bungalows are being pulled down for "greedy developers" to build apartment blocks. In most densely populated countries, senior apartments are accepted as the solution if you want stair-free living - how would it possibly be fair to give pensioners one of these enormous bungalow plots per couple while asking parents with a couple of small kids to live in tiny newbuilds, cramped terrace and little flats? Some people do seem to have extraordinary ideas of just how much space they are entitled to per-person.

My parents retired, sold their house for almost a million and gave me literally around 10% of that and I bought a doer upper house. Its selfish for them to give you nothing. You're their child and they more than have the means. Who wouldn't want to help their child if they could especially in this economy.