Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

I dont think you are unreasonable to feel this way at all. What kind of parents could enjoy a good life while watching their kids struggling, specially when its not their kids fault? Well apparently there are plenty. Parents and parents are so different. Some put themselves first and some put kids first. Some conaider their job done once kids reach 18 and some will always be there for them no matter how old the kids are. There is nothing wrong with them spend 1 million to buy a house with their own money, but I could never do this if I know I am in the position to help my kids. So are my parents.

Honestly, I would drop the wedding if I were in your position and try my best to save up for the deposit. I had 2 big weddings in 2 countries ( DH and I are from different countries ), they are paid by my parents and inlaws. However what I liked the most is the little ceremony we had at the registration office with a few close friends. I mean there is nothing wrong to want a big wedding, but I'd prioritise the deposit.

I do understand that you're a bit miffed but let your parents enjoy their luck, it sounds like a dream come true so why begrudge them I'd personally be happy for my parents l

But none of that helps OP's parents with financial security in their older age. So they give her a deposit - it's gone. They have no call on it, no guarantee their child can or will help them with needs in older age in turn. Precarious position. The other alternative here is that they give OP a deposit and make sure they have a legal financial interest in the home. Can they compel OP to sell up if they NEED it (not necessarily want, but need)? I don't see how that is an investment for the family as a whole. Once the money is given to OP and spent, it's gone as far as any financial security it might have offered the parents. It only benefits OP at the expense of her parents unless the parents can have a stake in OP's property and call on it when needed. Maybe a compromise is they could loan a deposit and have OP pay it back with no or low interest?

Another thing to consider, OP isn't even married yet. Finances are not a reason for that. That's choice over the type of wedding they want. And if they do get married, their parents invest in their home, and OP gets divorced, OP's child loses half of it. Maybe it's better for OP's parents to buy an investment property and let OP live in it? However, that may stop them getting into the property they have chosen for whatever reason is relevant to them.

There are a lot of things to consider from OP's parents' side.

@echt the point I’m making? Simply the word home and investment being in the same sentence. I haven’t closely read every message to be able to highlight each one that’s specifically relevant.
You are right however that I cannot infer the ages of people from a mumsnet post, I can however access published and proven data on U.K. economics

You'll get criticised for this post but I want to weigh in as I think your feelings are totally understandable.

Wage increases have not kept pace with house price rises. Throw in Brexit, a pandemic and a financial crisis and it does feel 20 and 30 somethings have been v unlucky. I live in a tiny two bed house with two kids while my parents (who I adore!) are on their own in a six bed. And mostly people inherit too late for it to be useful for eg having the number of kids they want.

of course your parents worked hard, but so do you from the sound of it.

No advice just wanted to give you some support xx

Well that's a shame as it's generally good form to back up assertions with evidence.

And mostly people inherit too late for it to be useful for eg having the number of kids they want

How bloody inconvenient for them, not having parents cark it soon enough.

@EveryonesSlaveApparently - op's parents are upsizing to a million pound house. I think they could probably spare a few grand without worrying about needing it back 🙄

Your feelings are fine as they are your feelings and you are entitled to them.

However, they have no obligation to give you any of their money. You and your partner are old enough to provide for yourselves. They paid for you for many years raising you and likely made many sacrifices as part of being parents. Now they get to enjoy the money they earnt.

You're also not in any different a position than the majority of people your age right now, in terms of struggling to buy. You're housed, able to save up to get married, able to afford having children too I'm assuming... you'll get there.

@echt ? Government data? Are you really arguing that most of the UKs housing stock is not owned by over 60s because it’s not been mentioned on this thread thus far?

Maybe we should borrow from other cultures and bring back multigenerational living. That way, nobody needs to seethe with jealousy at parents having 4 bedrooms. Of course, you would also have to look after your parents rather than shunt them off to a care home or threaten not to visit.

How do you know they won't? Have they sold the original house yet?

In any case, they don't owe them that and OP is not entitled to it. See what happens when money changes hands. They may well share some with OP (for which she should be very grateful and realise it's generosity, not owed).

I intend to secure my children's housing security but still got to pay off my mortgage, which is not small. Would love to downsize but a couple of them won't leave home. (Which I don't mind at all, love having them here. It does alter choices at the moment though, and may alter choices in the future).

I'm generous with them but there is also the fact I'm trying not to create helpless adults by doing too much for them, so they don't learn to stand on their own two feet and have accomplishments they can be proud of.

You may be joking, but that’s definitely the way things are heading at the moment.

I’m with you. Buying a bigger house than you need should be considered as unacceptable as other forms of waste. You don’t say people should be allowed to idle their cars because it’s their money do you. It’s just yet more waste and stress on the planet.

No. My initial response was objecting to the inference upthread that the age of posters could be inferred from the use of investment instead of home.

But the OP hasn't asked them.

Multigenerational living, and the multigenerational supports that come with that, may not be such a bad thing. I'd rather rent for life than live with our parents though. ;-)

@echt Well I would still stand by it being a fair correlation, but alas I cannot make a spreadsheet for you so I guess it cannot be true.

Fairly sure there are a lot of boomers from the ‘me’ generation here complaining about entitlement, regardless of what they call a house. Not all of them though.

I'm a lot younger than a Boomer and still think it would be entitled to expect my parents owe me anything once I've grown and flown.

Yup, same here. I'm a "millenial" and don't understand why children feel entitled either. The only exceptions in my mind are for children who can't work for reasons of disability. In that case, if the parent has it, then I think it's reasonable to set your child up to be secure for when you're gone. The system for adults with disabilities is horrendous.

I’m not claiming it’s exclusively a boomer trait. Just seems a lot more prevalent in that age group for some reason, but then I was trying to imply that it has been ever thus, the older generation calling the younger one entitled (their parents were the ones who called them the ‘me’ generation).

You are being entitled. Having children is a choice in itself but there is a lot to be said about that. Most parents give their all. Childcare costs, after school clubs , weekend activities, designated taxi driver, setting you up for adulthood with support through GCSE’s, Uni, first jobs etc. I know for me, I am putting a lot on hold for “When they are independent”. It is only when they are self sufficient that you can take the time to take risks again. If my children begrudged me that after 20 years of sacrifice they could SOD OFF. It is what I’ve waited for!

Ask them outright for financial help. Perhaps they can afford the new house and help you at the same time.

Some Mumsnet rules about money -

1. You must never expect a penny from your parents - it's good for you to make your own way in life. Teaches you to stand on your own two feet.
2. Children should start contributing to their keep as soon as they're old enough to do a paper round. Teaches them the value of money.
3. You must never ever indicate any disappointment if you feel you've been treated unfairly in a will. That means you're grabby and jealous.

Anyone ignoring these rules will get a very hard time on Mumsnet. But I totally understand your disappointment op. We've always helped our adult dcs out financially and when we move in a couple of years we'll be downsizing and putting aside a decent amount to help with deposits. I'm sorry your parents can't see how much they could help you at this stage in your life.