Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

Actually most people these days will have their DC living with them until they are 40, like it or not. Hardly job done at 18

I’m genuinely shocked at the entitlement in the OP.
As soon as I started earning everything pivoted and I started to pay for my parents to do stuff (not a lot but the odd meal out, a weekend away). I was in my early twenties, with no dependants and they had raised 4 kids scrimping and saving. Oil crisis, proper deep recession, etc, it was tough for them. It felt great to be able to treat them, to thank them for getting me to adulthood. I cannot for the life of me imagine expecting them to financially support me once I was working…! It is completely bizarre. Are you not even a bit embarrassed? If you don’t earn enough money to pay for things you want then it is a problem you need to solve yourself. Or you can’t have all those things. A wedding is not a need. (I had a registry office and a small lunch so I guess I don’t understand why anyone would take on debt for a wedding). Owning a property is not a need. Honestly it is mortifying that grown adults think their parents should continue to fund them. Who knows how many years of healthy active retirement they have, let them enjoy these years. Life is very, very short. Time to grow up.

You're trying to save for too many things at once. Have you looked at taking on second jobs and bring in extra income to help boost your income? You are child-free and young, there are ways to make extra money and just hustle like mad for the next few years to get you where you want to be - ignore what others are doing! And do you really want to take money from your parents? With the emotional baggage and family politics that comes with that??! Save for the wedding only, focus on that. Get married. Save for the house, focus only on that, buy the house. Then have the kids. It's no good looking to your parents for help here, you can do this on your own.

If it's of interest though, me and DH got married, had the babies and then bought the house. We're first time buyers at mid-forties.

Are you a daughter? So won’t they pay for your wedding?

DH and I are mid 60’s, recently retired and have DC in their early 30’s. We live in a good sized 4 bed house and are starting to think it is only just big enough. Since retirement we entertain more, and have more friends coming to stay. We need enough bedrooms for both grown up children to stay with their partners and our craft and hobby stuff takes up space too - I have a studio and DH has a yoga room in what was our dining room. If we have grandchildren we could do with a bit extra space for them. I cannot understand why I should feel under any pressure to sacrifice my happiness to fund my children’s lifestyle. Both sons have worked and saved hard and will have houses soon, if we did feel the need to downsize in years to come of course we would give them something but after over 40 years of more than full time work, financing school and university etc I think I deserve to enjoy my life a bit. If I could afford a bigger place with a paddock for a horse I’d certainly upsize. OP, YABU.

Is that what the last census said I thought it was 1 in 10?

Stockholm syndrome right there. Spend the best years of your life working yourself to the bone so that you 'might' be able to buy a house in your mid-forties. God bless late-stage capitalism - what a time to be alive!

@Mooda · Today 19:16

You will get a load of flack here OP (mainly I suspect from people who won't accept that those of us who bought property 20+ years ago have been incredibly lucky financially). But I cannot imagine doing this while my young adult children struggled. I'm already saving to help them get on the property ladder. Yes ultimately your parents can do what they like with their money but in my view it's weird and selfish.

@Littlemisscapable today 20.36

This. I get it. There should surely be a compromise here. Can't imagine being in this scenario. Why wouldn't you help out your kids ?

100% this. The level of selfishness on here from SOME people (who say they would not help their adult DC financially, even if they were able to help them,) is just depressing. This thread is horrible... Comments like 'this thread makes me want to hang on to my wealth more - and NOT give it my children' just disgusts me. Urgh What a horrible attitude!

I also agree with a pp that NO-ONE should own more than one property. Any additional homes that people have, should be taken from them, and they should only get the money that they paid for for it. So if it was bought for £38K in 1999, and is worth £163K now they only get that £38K. I mean imagine how much RENT they have made from it.

Then these properties should be put into the housing stock of the local authority or local housing associations for social housing for people who need it. And should no longer belong to entitled, multiple-property, grabby articles, with too much money. (And very likely too much money because they squirreled it away for themselves whilst their closest family members didn't have a pot to piss in.)

Some vile attitudes on here. I don't know anyone in real life with these attitudes, 'NO I WILL NOT HELP MY CHILDREN FINANCIALLY EVER. Let them WORK for it like I had to!' PMSL! 💀 (And I am glad I don't know anyone like this!!!)

I dont have data @Mountainclimber2024 Just anecdata from all my friends and family. Especially in London. My point is very few parents get to jettison their DC at 18 these days.

You might argue that is all the more reason that parents should help out and as I said, I am not opposed to helping DC. Just not with a gun to my head.

So they could be upsizing for potential grandchildren which they will never have... Hope they don't complain about immigration

Yup so imagine if the scenario is your given somewhere ro live based on what someone else thinks you need, well a person on their own doesn't need a 1 bed they can have a stir...oh now race to bottom happens as it usually does..why do they need a studio the generation will cry, they can live in a bedsit or hmo style they don't need their own kitchen or bathroom go hostel style

You can spot the boomers on this thread from the fact they call a house an “investment “ as opposed to a home.
comments suggesting get a second job, do some night shifts….
house prices have rocketed compared to salaries. There is zero argument.

I don't think it's expected these days. Both sides chip in I've noticed.

You can spot the boomers on this thread from the fact they call a house an “investment “ as opposed to a home

Has anyone actually said this?

"we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want."

Your parents could continue to live a smaller house where they are now but it's not what they want.

100% this. I wanted to say this, but refrained. Glad someone else said it!

@echt i only need to go back one page to see 5 references to “investment “

Bless you, you sound lovely. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mum!

It is possible for many younger people. My friend's two children- both in their mid-20s, neither went to university, they did a high level apprenticeship instead and both have very well-paid jobs and have bought properties as individual people, not in couples. Both properties need quite a lot of work and they are working through that . Her son has done the work himself and now rents his spare room to a friend which helps pay the mortgage. Her daughter is living at home with her parents while funding builders to do the work.
Our neighbour's son and his girlfriend, late 20s, have bought a flat several years ago and moved up to a house- neither went to university. He's a roofer and she is a manager in Next.
We live in the north-east so perhaps the prices are lower than in some areas but many young here buy property- certainly by 30.

I’m not sure OP has the option of moving back into her parent’s million pound house.

Don't be so entitled.
None of mine expected handouts .

I've checked and I don't think they support the point you appear to be making. The posters are speculating about how houses are regarded these days, and also how the OP parents might be having a bigger house to shore up their later age.

I don't see how you can infer the ages of the posters by these observations.

I do get it OP, renting/saving for a house is shit. It's frustrating seeing other people in beautiful mortgage free houses when you're living on a budget and dealing with a shitty landlord however I think you need to try and see it from the other angle.

While you might feel you need the space more than a retired couple (ie your parents) as you're growing your family, from the other perspective the retired couple might be spending more of their time at home (not working) and they might be planning on staying in the same place for the rest of their lives while a younger family might move around a bit more, so they might feel they're getting more from a big house than you would. Everyone would prefer a nicer house and you don't deserve a nice house any more than your parents.

It sometimes seems to me like life is all about saving up for retirement - working, saving, paying off your mortgage and paying into your pension. I feel like after all that you should be able to sit back and actually enjoy your life whether that's enjoying your beautiful home or downsizing and spending it all on a year long cruise. It makes me sad to think that people work and save and budget for 40 odd years all while raising their kids and are then expected to continue to put their own needs aside to benefit the younger generations. That's certainly not the retirement I want for my parents.

If there aren't any underlying issues with your parents I'd try and let go of any resentment about their house, it doesn't do any good and it's just going to damage your relationship with them. With two of you on good salaries and no childcare costs you should be able to save up a deposit unless you're living beyond your means (or living in the SE I guess!).

Overall I don't think you're unreasonable being frustrated by your situation but I don't think it's your parents fault and you would be unreasonable to blame/resent them. Good luck with the house/wedding and all your future plans!

Yes. Yes they did. And even if they hadn’t people are always talking about houses as a ‘good investment’. It is speculation, not investment. And the most awful type of speculation. ‘I am going to hold this scarce asset that is one of the five fundamental needs until someone is desperate enough to pay me more than I paid for it’.