Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

To true. My parents just spent a few thousand on a house repair. If they didn't have it I'd have to pay because it's not the kind of thing you can just ignore. I'm glad they didn't give all their money away!

Not their fault that houses are seen more as an investment and not as a basic fundamental of life, quite true - also not to their credit or something they can claim they 'worked hard for'.

YABU, your parents nurtured you, raised you and supported you until you were adults. Now you are independent adults in your own right. They don't owe you anything else except love.

It is not healthy to expect more from them in their twilight years. My parents are in a council house, can't help me financially with anything, and will be leaving me and my siblings with little more than the stress of having two weeks to clear their house out when they die. Am I bitter that they didn't try harder to buy a home to leave me? No. They didn't get amazing careers and amassed lots of money? No.

Your folks can do what they want with their money. I hope they enjoy their new home. Not all retired couples want to live in a one/two bed bungalow.

Why shouldn't they have a larger house if that's what they want. Maybe that's what theyve worked all their lives for YABU.

No. We need properties that people can rent at an affordable and fair price. These houses do not need to be in the private sector. Up until Thatcher 50% of people in the UK lived in social housing. 60% of people in Vienna (hardly in a communist country) live in social housing. This is not some crazy lefty idea. I am actually very much a free market economist but accept that there are some scarce resources that if left entirely to a free market result in market failure in terms of a sub optimal distribution of that resource.

This really is not off topic. At the heart of it the OP (I think) is pissed off that the allocation of a scarce resource in this country is just not working. Or she is just grabby. I hope the former.

They most definitely did work hard for their first home, which they bought when I was an adult.

This. I get it. There should surely be a compromise here. Can't imagine being in this scenario. Why wouldn't you help out your kids ?

As well as being a nice place to live OP's parents are probably looking at an investment too for their old age. They will be able to downsize should they run out of money. It is quite frightening when you retire and realise that you will never earn money again. If you live to be really old, your so called inflation proof pensions diminish. I have a relative who retired at 60 on a teacher's pension. At the time they were very comfortable but now in their 90s it is very small.

Yeah they had to update their kitchen and bathroom and luckily had the money to do it.

They are now looking into funernal insurance cos they don't want us to have that burden of forking out for it, what if we don't have the money at that time.

Its just good planning on their behalf to ensure they can have a good life without burdening us with what will one day come. And if that means I have to make my own sacrifices or compromises now to grt that house, or wedding or kids I'm okay with that. Otherwise there will just be resentment later on about why they did not plan for it when they had money.

Because once they give money you forget it and see it as yours, wont look back and think well if they hadn't given me it then they could of afforded it.

Well, I hope that people would be able to rent according to what they can afford and not need. I have no kids and live alone, but am in a 3 bed house. I would not want to be restricted to tiny one bed places because I am single with no dependants. That is what council/social housing would limit me too as it stands at the moment. Or even a house share.

No doubt, but not for the massive increase in value of that house.

Also, younger generations have had to work even harder to afford the same house (usually two of them as well, rather than one, and increasingly only if they are lucky or helped out by more generous parents then we seem to be seeing here).

Maybe the parents live life by the philosophy in your username?

YANBU. But try not to focus on it as your parents but just a generation. house prices have risen so insanely over the past few decades and a whole generation are putting it down to their “hard work” as opposed to luck of the draw.
whilst I absolutely believe it is their money to spend as they deem fit I do find it odd they wouldn’t want to help their children.
my parents have always been quite generous however I do find it odd when they say “when you inherit” etc etc as if dangling a carrot. Id rather they pissed it all up the wall enjoying themselves or hand some over now!

It's their money and they are spending it on their home.

They could blow it all on holidays, if they wanted

They would throw you into a studio if they could get away with it.

Maybe 😀, though I'm not sure staying in a smaller house rather than upsizing is quite the same as setting fire to yourself.

On similar lines, I hope your username isn't true in real life!

Username is a bit tongue in cheek on a bad day. :-)

From the parents point of view, upsizing may be an investment to ensure funds for their own old age with the expectation this will take pressure of their children? In that case, they are thinking of their children.

Even if I gave my children a huge amount of money towards a home, there is no guarantee they will be in a position to help me back in return (practically or financially). It's really quite sensible to hold onto a good chunk of money for that reason. At least with a bigger house they have the option to downsize to free up funds for their care.

I would also add that many retired parents are very poor and often the grown up children need to top up their monthly state pension. Some people should be grateful they are not in that situation as it could be a financial strain. I would rather richer parents and that they live in comfortable houses.

My compromise is that my DC can stay with me rent free as long as they want. I may also provide childcare. Not good enough?

And I am not even saying I won't help fund their homes.It's just very grabby to demand it in the way OP has.

I used to date a guy who lived in a bedsit. It was depressing.

I do know a man in his early 70s who is always out in pubs and clubs until 6am. He lives in an HMO and can't stand being there.

meh OP, its your turn now. Stop relying on your parents

But if there were no second homes and private landlords then house prices would be cheaper and you could buy. You are right of though - the balancing of an individuals wants and needs against another’s is tricky. There is no perfect answer but there are answers that result in a better allocation overall than is currently the case. But these answers would leave some people in a worse position than they are now. Just like Thatchers reforms put some people in a much better position at the expense of putting others in a much worse position. No easy options but there are options and we should not shy away from discussing them or pretend there is nothing we can do.

Many people have children and as soon as they turn 18 it’s like their job is done and the parent part of their lives is all done and dusted. Your parents sound extremely self serving.

OP - i feel your pain and would struggle to be pleased for them in all honesty. Who is the main driver behind this? Or is it a very joint decision?

I have three children and could never feel comfortable living to a much higher standard than they could afford, unless they’d been helped and we still had enough spare cash.

Take my in-laws as an example - two very generous inheritances, massive gains on two properties, big non contributory pension, retired early with a pay off. MIL never worked, so lacks perspective of working people. Her money came from her husbands family and she took
it, grabbed it and spent a lot of it very selfishly.

They have five kids and one set of grandkids and have barely helped, whilst splashing their inherited family money on second and third cars and unnecessary renovations to both homes, eating up cash like no tomorrow.

From where we sit as a working family who earn well but are currently caught up in high fixed costs simply to buy a decent family home and all that comes with it, it absolutely stinks! They have no empathy, don’t talk about how hard it’s become for younger generations and watch as their daughter pays for their lunches and coffee if they go out anywhere.

Nobody will ever have it that easy again.

There's no doubt property is a good investment and that may well be what they are thinking, who knows? However that could equally be said about giving it to OP to buy a property and then they would also save in rent\mortgage fees so an even better investment for the family as a whole.

It would make a much bigger difference for OP to get money now than in 20 or more years time and, as she says, without it then they may decide they cannot afford to have children (as is increasingly happening).