Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

It might be their inheritance. That’s not a given as many seem to assume.

@LadyLapsang I don’t understand your point. I have said the majority of older people did vote for Brexit & you are replying that not every older person did. I do understand percentages & the fact remains the majority did.

Unfortunately it is.

Personally I was always vehemently opposed to it and voted against. I think it was a massive fuck-up. As do the vast majority of my friends/peers.

I think it may have been skewed by voters well over that age group.

@QueenOfMOHO I don't know where you found property like that at such a low price! We are early 60s, bought first home in 1985, similar professional roles to you, and the best we could afford was a 2 bed maisonette! It took us several upward moves to get to a detached.
Having said that I agree that it is harder now. 30 years after we bought our first home DS1 and his wife bought their first. The property price was about 10x our first purchase but, despite the fact they are in well paid jobs, their salaries were nowhere near that multiple of ours

Why should the parents explain anything? It’s none of their adult kids business!

I didn’t say I’d give my children everything - you seemed to have misread or misunderstood. I wouldn’t spend all my money upsizing if my children needed help. As I said, it’s my personal opinion and doesn’t make me a “martyr”

I think it may have been skewed by voters well over that age group.

No one wants to take responsibility 😆

@Crispedia everyone knows the Financial Times is a woke, metropolitan elite, lefty liberal, lentil weaving, breast milk rice pudding eating tabloid of the lowest order ! Why should any right thinking adult who has hugely benefited from the massive rise in house prices by cleverly paying their mortgage as per the contract, care what the pink paper says ?

I’m a parent of adult teens and part of our financial planning is factoring in the need to support our dses so yes, I do think it is selfish for parents not to recognize that the current generation have it much harder in terms of getting on the housing ladder.

I wouldn’t be doing what your parents are doing OP and I would feel sad that it hadn’t occurred to them to offer financial support.

My parents are a little bit like that, they consider that they had it hard so it’s just the same for their children and we all need to go through it but it is very different these days with house prices as they are and both people needing to work and pensions so much reduced. It doesn’t affect DH and I because we were fortunate enough to buy years ago and our dses are supported by us but it’s sad.

If you benefited from the huge increase in house prices and you had children during that time than yes I think you have duty in todays world with a housing crisis to help your child get on the property ladder and not hoard your wealth.

And yes I will and am planning to do this in my future , we are currently in the process of buying our long term family home (3 children) we have already set out life insurance , wills and discussed when we would plan to downsize to enable us to help our children when they reach adulthood.

So I am probably the age of OP's parents. I live in the 79% remain borough. It has wrecked our lives as a couple of different European backgrounds.
My parents, Dad worked across Europe during 'the time', totally fucked it up - and now realise this.
Back to the OP, your parents don't owe you £££, they owe you a safe upbringing from which you can make your own choices

Oh dear. No one could be less of a martyr than me.

I look after myself just fine thank you. I just don't have to be selfish to do so.

Ouch, it stings, but I voted YABU.

My parents have just done the same. There was talk of downsizing, but in a similar tale to yours (luck, essentially), they can now afford a house my family of five can only dream of.

For me, it’s just a relief. I was so scared they would end up in a crappy little one bed when they retired but they’re so comfortable and can host me and my children and my sisters and niece and nephew. I understand your feelings and I do think, “Wouldn’t it be great if we could afford something like this?” But I can think that without grudging them their fortune.

I think you should focus on your own situation.

There is one hell of a difference between "pulling up the drawbridge" at 18, and selling your home to live in lesser circumstances for the rest of your days to enable your children to have a deposit for a house!!

Plus I want to always have a family home where any or all of them can come home if for any reason they need to!

We gave them life and a decent upbringing we do not owe them the rest of our lives.

My dc are going but I save for their uni costs & housing deposit. I don’t think it means I owe them for the rest of my life or that I should give them everything.

young not going!!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I’m planning to help my DC, most of the people I know are.

When mine and DH’s parents were first time buyers they were able to buy a 3 bed semi on a single average salary with a stay at home mum.

Nowadays 2 high earners will struggle to get the deposit needed, pay nursery costs (for example) and wouldn’t reap the same value increase benefits.

Essentially, it feels very unfair. I feel for you OP.

OP, I would bear in mind that Mumsnet is heavily populated by people aged 40+ (including me) so you won’t get much sympathy here unfortunately.

I didn’t get any parental help either except for being able to live at home way beyond my uni years and save for a deposit.

Is your parents’ home big? Would they consider you both living with them so you can save money?

They don’t owe you and the resentment will eat you up. They may regret the big house when they can’t keep it clean due to failing eyesight but that’s really not your problem.

You still have choices about what you prioritise and spending 5K on a wedding you can’t afford doesn’t seem like an entirely sensible one.

You do you and let them do them.

I can't understand parents who don't help their kids out.

@Dymaxion 😆

I'm not!!! I am still angry about it. And I live in an area that voted majority Remain.

When they can't keep it clean, they can sell it.

I didn’t get any parental help either except for being able to live at home way beyond my uni years and save for a deposit.

tbf this is significant help which many over look. Lots of people don’t have space, the relationship, the location etc to live with family.

I think the frustration here is less about not getting help, but the gap in understanding. I’m lucky to have had financial help from my parents, my dad worked extremely hard for his money and thought very carefully about what he wanted to help us with and uni and a house were it. We were never bought or expected expensive items or given money for occasions etc.

He worked hard and was extremely clever and lucky with his money, he acknowledged all of that and his friends also all recognised that they had made good career choices but also had the advantage of the boom.

He passed away in 2018 and hadn’t done a will since we were young children and all money went to my mum. Totally fair and we wouldn’t have expected anything snd certainly weren’t expecting him to pass away. However, I find financial conversations much harder now as my mum hasn’t worked more than a few years part time since me and my sister were born and has no awareness of the financial challenges of the younger generations. She has always been on a high horse about never having been in debt etc. and is quick to criticise my choices not recognising that they haven’t been the same, despite having had some support from them. When I explained the cost of living crisis and changes to mortgage rates she admitted she had no idea what that really meant. The reality is she hasn’t even had to think about money in 40 years so I find it hard when she acts like it’s all just about choices. Don’t get me wrong, we would have bought a cheaper house and left more in the bank if we had known what was coming…but we didn’t, so I get it can be hard to swallow if they don’t understand OPs position, rather than the fact that they are spending their money as they are fully entitled to!