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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Retired parents UPSIZING house

1000 replies

toastlover100 · 19/01/2024 19:07

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Meowandthen · 19/01/2024 21:20

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 21:16

@Meowandthen I meant aren’t passive, oops! But are there enough young people to change political will?

If anyone wants change they at least need to try. I really hope young people are getting on the electoral register ahead of the next GE and that they turn out for local ones too.
The percentage of the population that ever votes is appallingly low. Young people could make the difference. 🤞🏼

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 21:20

Are you assuming that all older people voted for Brexit because we didn't.

@lazyarse123 I thought the word some would make that clear….

Are you saying only a minority of older people voted for Brexit?

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 21:20

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 21:14

Can we please stop blaming older people for the state of the economy it's not our fault.

We have to acknowledge some responsibility though. I mean Brexit has damaged the economy…

Any of us so-called "older people" with half a functioning braincell did not vote for Brexit!!!

Must have been older ones than me.

greyham · 19/01/2024 21:21

What about your partner's parents. Have you asked them for some money?

DyslexicPoster · 19/01/2024 21:21

Op I get it, but I don't think you should resent them. Try to think of it that it's just a generational difference. No one can deny its tough yo start out now and that wasn't so true decades ago.

My mum has died and left me a unexpected inheritance I didn't expect. I'd rather I'd had it at your age and stage tbh or not at all as if course it only came as mum died. I have a house, a nice house we sacrificed a lot to get in out twenties that we built on going up the chain.

Will I make my kids wait until their kids are grown up before I help them? No I won't. But I can only control what I do.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 19/01/2024 21:21

Meowandthen · 19/01/2024 21:12

Could you be any more sanctimonious?

What twaddle. Parents do not have to give all their money to adult children.
No one is entitled to a house deposit from parents.
No one is entitled to any inheritance.

The grabby comments in this thread are vile.

Hahaha. Well I've never been accused of THAT before. 😂

Why are you so angry? Touch a nerve did I?

To be clear, I never said it was incumbent on parents to give up ALL their money/goods. (Such ridiculous hyperbole tch). But to indulge yourself while your children struggle and you could help them is unconscionable IMO.

I am the parent in this scenario btw. Hardly "grabby". Or did you miss that?

You do you though.

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 21:22

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 21:17

When do parents ever get to put their own interests first then?

I'm just not that much of a martyr. And I will not be providing regular childcare either.

Thankfully my kids know the sacrifices we've made to bring them up already and would never expect it.

Well you did choose to create them after all - not like they had a lot of choice in the matter.

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 21:22

@Meowandthen I hope so too

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 21:23

Well you did choose to create them after all - not like they had a lot of choice in the matter.

😁

Dymaxion · 19/01/2024 21:23

I'm guessing yours worked for many years, saved and looked forward to a time when they could have the house they always wanted when they could afford it which happens to be now

Or maybe they benefited from the huge increase in house prices ?

LadyLapsang · 19/01/2024 21:23

@bessytedsy Lots of older people vehemently opposed Brexit. My generation were more likely to study a foreign language - we would have had to get a special dispensation, such as SEND, to drop MFLs. Many of us have lived and worked in Europe. The previous generation paid an even higher price for peace in Europe.

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 21:23

Savourycrepe · 19/01/2024 20:51

@Runnerinthenight this is so tone-deaf. Much of the wealth of the older generation is extracted by their children and grandchildren needing to pay ever higher sums for a house. It is a direct transfer from young to old. Too damn right they can whinge about it!!!

It's really not. I haven't done anything but live my life and bring my kids up as well as I can.

I am NOT responsible for the sake of the property market. AND my children are facing into it.

Neither am I wealthy in spite of a good education and a decent job.

Sunseaandsand1 · 19/01/2024 21:23

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 21:07

You do realise that wages have stagnated for all of us? We work in the public sector, both of us, and the fucking shit payrises have made it even more of a sacrifice for us to support our young adults.

We supported them through uni - yes, they still have student loans. We've paid for their holidays. We paid for their driving lessons. For their car insurance on my car (not buying them cars, more appreciated when they buy them, as one has).

And childcare was always a huge expense. At its peak, with all three kids in childcare, it was more than twice our mortgage.

Yes, I agree, you’re in a shit situation, which you shouldn’t be in. I still earn around the same as I was around 15 years ago in the public sector. That’s my point , YOU shouldn’t have to be paying to support your adult children with all these costs. It’s a result of capitalist greed & Tory economic policy, it’s encouraging generational inequality.

LadyBird1973 · 19/01/2024 21:24

OP, I'm 50. I had a horrible cheap wedding, never had a beautiful impressive house or lots of luxurious holidays as a younger woman. Now that I'm older and have more money I wouldn't give up something I really wanted to buy, because my adult kids felt entitled to my money. 50s is still young in the sense that there's a lot of life left to live.
I wouldn't see my kids suffer if I could help them but that wouldn't extend to giving up my dream home to pay for their weddings.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 19/01/2024 21:24

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 21:22

Well you did choose to create them after all - not like they had a lot of choice in the matter.

Exactly.

Crispedia · 19/01/2024 21:24

Below is an article in the Financial Times. I know some may say other European countries have more renters, but these populations say for example Germany have much better pensions so more able to afford rent post retirement.

“One of the most powerful cultural myths of the English-speaking world over the past century has been the belief that if you work hard, you’ll earn enough to buy yourself a house and start a family.

For a long time, it held true. Between the end of the first world war and the turn of the millennium, rates of home ownership climbed rapidly in both Britain and the US, topping out at about 70 per cent as young adults flew the parental nest and set up homes of their own.

But in recent decades, that trend has not only stalled but reversed. In 1980, almost half of 18 to 34-year-olds in Britain and America lived in their own property with children of their own, making this the most common arrangement for young adults. Today that is true of only about one in five, and the most common set-up for 18 to 34-year-olds is now to be living with their parents.

While some of this is due to the expansion of higher education, the trends hold true even after excluding students. The dream of a family home of one’s own has become just that — a distant dream.

But while the housing affordability crisis gets a fair amount of airtime, it often feels secondary to other leading concerns of the day. The breakdown of a central aspirational belief across the wider Anglosphere is at risk of becoming background noise.

One key reason for the lack of serious attention or action is age, which works in two ways. First, the people most acutely affected by this problem are from an age bracket that still exercises little political clout by voting. Second, few above the age of about 45 — ie virtually all key decision makers — appreciate what it’s like to have this particular key rite of passage postponed, sometimes indefinitely.

The latter point is under-appreciated. We have long-established ways of both discussing and tackling recurring economic shocks such as recessions or inflation. Every tool in the box is thrown at the problem, and the media, politicians and the public alike talk of little else until the worst is over. But the housing crisis is different. There are no recent playbooks to draw from.

Aside from the occasional blip, average house prices were roughly four times average earnings in the UK for 80 years between the 1910s and 1990s. This was a fixed characteristic of British society. Knuckle down, save for a few years and buy in your late twenties: simple. Then the ratio doubled in the space of a decade. The last time it was that high, cars had not yet been invented, Queen Victoria was on the throne and home ownership was the preserve of a wealthy minority.

To put the price-to-earnings ratio into more tangible terms, it now takes 13 years to save a deposit for the average UK property (up from three in the mid 1990s), and 30 years in London (up from four). To state the obvious, nobody spends 30 years saving for a house. The dream is over.

But despite such a historic economic and societal shock, the response from politicians and policymakers has been muted, in sharp contrast to the recent inflation spike.

Economists, central bankers and politicians spent the past two years battling a cost of living crisis that saw prices rise by an estimated 20 per cent in total, largely offset by pay increases. Whereas a 100 per cent real-terms increase in the unaffordability of perhaps the single most important good in modern western society has generally been treated as a young person’s issue with politicians paying only lip service to solutions.

The breakdown of the housing conveyor belt has huge and diverse impacts. Studiesshow that the inability to afford a home causes people to postpone starting a family or simply not have children at all. High housing costs also divert individuals away from productive places and activities, and dramatically increase inequality in wealthand between regions.

With big elections on the horizon on both sides of the Atlantic, politicians are relieved that they can point to encouraging signs about inflation’s possible return to normal levels. The housing affordability crisis shows no signs of following suit. It should be at the top of the agenda as the political campaigns get under way.
[email protected], @jburnmurdoch

https://www.ft.com/content/f21642d8-da2d-4e75-886e-2b7c1645f063

WhyAmINotCleaning · 19/01/2024 21:25

When they are soon old and struggling, you will be too busy paying off a huge mortgage to help.

I'm sure there could have been a compromise somewhere.

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 21:26

TheDogIsInCharge · 19/01/2024 21:00

I'm in my fifties, have worked fucking hard all my life and IF I want to spend my money buying an "unsuitable house" I will.

I came from nothing, grew up on one of the worst sink estates in Edinburgh. Rented for most of my life. Managed to buy in the mid 2000's. I'm going broke supporting my kids through uni. I didn't benefit from better times, I worked and worked. I have never wallowed in money, every month of my life has been a balancing act between mortgage/rent/bills/nursery/childminders and now their uni (I didn't go. No one from my school went. I want better for them, I want their life to be less of a fight).

I'm hoping to retire abroad and whilst I'd love to give my kids some money towards their life, if it means the difference between a nice home with things I have always dreamt of* and something that isn't what I really, really want then I'll spend on the dream home because I absolutely deserve it. It will be theirs soon enough anyway.

"Giving a little helping hand of 100k or so"... I mean words fail me.

*I want a pool, a view and large covered terrace. Not mad stuff but if it is a choice of the pool or giving my kids money I will take the pool. Years of shitty commuting in the freezing cold means I get the pool.

High five!!

You go for that pool!!

Cornishclio · 19/01/2024 21:26

I am probably the same age as your parents. We are financially comfortable but not wealthy, mortgage free and early retired. We have paid for a third of our daughters wedding and contributed over £40k to each daughter for house deposits/extensions. We have also paid for holidays, cars, meals out etc as I think it is tough when you are young with mortgages, childcare costs and we can afford to help our children. My mum was the same with us.

Yes I think your parents are selfish but maybe they do intend to help when you are in a position to buy a property as I think that is what I would do. If you intend spending a fortune on a wedding I wouldn't expect them to pay for that as I wouldn't either. We preferred to give a larger amount towards our daughters houses as we believe that is an investment. Maybe if you were clear as to which is your priority they may be more upfront as to whether they will help you. Are they generally generous? I am not sure why they would want a bigger house in retirement either but ultimately it is their money. Do you have a good relationship with them?

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 21:26

@Runnerinthenight

Any of us so-called "older people" with half a functioning braincell did not vote for Brexit!!!

57% of 55-65 voted for
60% of 65+

Thats a hell of a lot of people without functioning braincells!

lazyarse123 · 19/01/2024 21:27

Well you did choose to create them after all - not like they had a lot of choice in the matter.
This is such a ridiculous thing to say. We gave them life and a decent upbringing we do not owe them the rest of our lives.
I remember my sister telling my mum she hadn't asked to be born she was about 15 and being asked to do something she didn't want to.

OldPerson · 19/01/2024 21:27

Be nice. That's your inheritance you're visiting when you go to see your parents. It is unreasonable to decide what people "need" and not take into account what they "want". It might have been a lifelong dream of theirs to live in a big house. They might have already helped fund your uni days. Then again maybe your parents are incredibly selfish or tight-fisted. What's their attitude to contributing to your wedding? What's their attitude to future grandchildren? But regardless, you and your partner need to sit down and plan financially. You want wedding, house and children. All three are very expensive and only two of those are an investment in your future. Which two would you pick?

Meowandthen · 19/01/2024 21:27

MistyGreenAndBlue · 19/01/2024 21:21

Hahaha. Well I've never been accused of THAT before. 😂

Why are you so angry? Touch a nerve did I?

To be clear, I never said it was incumbent on parents to give up ALL their money/goods. (Such ridiculous hyperbole tch). But to indulge yourself while your children struggle and you could help them is unconscionable IMO.

I am the parent in this scenario btw. Hardly "grabby". Or did you miss that?

You do you though.

Edited

I am not the slightest bit angry so no need to project. If anything, I am eye-rolling at stupid claims.

do read what I actually wrote. I said comments in the thread are grabby, not that you are. You are just one of many trying to be some kind of martyr.

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 21:28

Sunseaandsand1 · 19/01/2024 21:23

Yes, I agree, you’re in a shit situation, which you shouldn’t be in. I still earn around the same as I was around 15 years ago in the public sector. That’s my point , YOU shouldn’t have to be paying to support your adult children with all these costs. It’s a result of capitalist greed & Tory economic policy, it’s encouraging generational inequality.

Absolutely.

I didn't try for promotion until I was too old (ageism is massive!) and I didn't get it. I'm a decent grade, so it's not a huge deal... however, my salary has literally gone up £20k inside 32 years. Lucky, lucky me.

Heronwatcher · 19/01/2024 21:28

Ye gods, since when did not funding a child to pay for a wedding AND a baby AND a house mean not giving a crap!

My kids are much younger than the OP. At the moment I am working full time, paying every bit of extra money we have on them. Extra curricular activities, holidays, clothes, bikes etc.

I fully intend to help as much as I can if they go to uni. Once they leave uni, if they are ever in need of food, a roof over their heads or are desperate for £20 for petrol of course I will pay for it. They will never go hungry or cold.

But shelling out huge sums for deposits and/ or weddings, or supporting kids financially into their 30s, all at the expense of me getting a house I’d enjoy living in, no way. At some point they have to stop becoming my financial responsibility and learn to live on what they themselves earn. It is not “not giving a crap.” It is normal!

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