Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

God, I couldn't agree more. I avoid posting on these threads, not least because I'm skint, own nothing and have no kids. But this is what I'm always thinking: "no bloody idea what hardship is, with minimum wages, holiday entitlement, maternity and paternity leave, employment rights... Etc"

Also no understanding that the very generations they love to gripe about are the ones who got these rights for them, so their DC lives would be easier. No appreciation that the parents have been through several economic cycles including heavy unemployment, rapid inflation and high interest rates. No curiosity about how they managed their lives in changing circumstances.

There seems to be no comprehension that things change, only pessimism coupled with entitlement ("we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want"). No acceptance of priorities and limitations, and absolutely zero sense of agency. Younger generations create the world they live in.

My DF is 70 and lives in £2 million + house that was our family home. Six bedrooms, a separate two bedroom cottage, outdoor pool and acres of gardens. Does all the maintenance himself. Has three or four ski trips a year, spends a fortune on his cycling hobby and generally lives the good life. I don’t begrudge him any of this; he was out of the house at 5am and home after 9pm for most of our childhood. Business trips nearly every week crossing over into the weekend.

Yes, the boomers were very very lucky with their careers and property purchases, but most of them also worked bloody hard too. It’s crap for this generation of adults, but I don’t know that our parents should be stifling their lives because of that. Arguably, some aspects of our lives are much easier - equal rights for women, flexible working etc.

I do wonder if at some point this will come full circle again; maybe my young DDs will start with nothing like my DF did (working class grammar school boy) and enjoy huge success.

My children are only teenagers currently, but I can’t imagine being in a position to help my children get a home and not doing so 😞

I agree that your parents generation were more easily able to buy a house. I belong to that generation. We were probably also more likely to have our parents pay for our weddings. We didn't expect them to help us buy our first house.

I think jealousy of someone else's good fortune is unattractive. I don't know how hard your parents' lives have been in other ways. I hope your parents enjoy their new home.

I'd be upset disappointed too @toastlover100 it's just fact that most young people nowadays buying a property get help from their parents either as rent free savers or being given a lump sum. I'd be feeling very sad about it too

Yabu. But I understand.

the problem isn’t your parents. The problem is that two young people in their late 20s are struggling to afford a home whereas years ago it was easier to buy.

What an immature comment.

Yes, I chose to have them. I breastfed them, I got them the best of childcare, even the most expensive fucking nappies. I funded a gazillion activities and devoted my flipping life to taking them there, and the rest. Supported them through all their schooldays/exams etc. Supported them through uni. Welcomed them back to live at home in their 20s when they needed to. Literally supporting three young adults in their 20s, for various reasons.

So pardon me if I want something just for me before I kick the bucket. I'm always here for them and always will be.

@2024garliccloves my parents generation enjoy far better pensions, DH's Dad got early retirement from the CS and has a lovely and very generous index linked final salary pension that he has been claiming for almost as many years as he actually worked. He hasn't worked hard all his life, just under half of it in actual fact !

No appreciation that the parents have been through several economic cycles including heavy unemployment, rapid inflation and high interest rates. No curiosity about how they managed their lives in changing circumstances.

I think a lot of people don’t understand the shift. For example we never recovered from the 08 crash, low interest rates masked that. And yes interest rates were higher in the past but 5% of 250k isn’t that different to 15% of 100k. There was also wage growth whereas wages now have flatlined for decades. Also everyone forgets MIRAS.

My parents contributed to our wedding but they certainly didn't pay for it. Neither did they help us buy our first house.

We would never have expected them to!! That's the difference between our generation and seemingly younger ones. Total entitlement.

If you only want a couple of grand, then why are you not cutting back on your plans? A wedding is a luxury. Focus on other things.

also have you actually asked your parents clearly but politely and not in an entitled way?

@Timeturnerplease do you rent like the OP?

@bessytedsy Age was just one factor in the vote. Educational level - graduates more likely to oppose while those with poor educational levels more likely to vote for Brexit. Londoners also more likely to oppose. My point was that lots of older voters vehemently opposed Brexit.

What is in the water tonight 🤦🏾‍♀️

You found incredibly jealous, entitled, spoilt… pick your own.

DH and I didn’t own our first home until our 40s, we paid for our own wedding, I took out a personal loan as I’d just gone back to work after having DD1, it as a cheap frugal DIY wedding. We bought our house after 2 DCs, bought in an incredibly cheap area, put work into it to make it ours.

I didn’t pass one GCSE, DH put himself through Uni as an adult. We both lived, partied, travelled by paying for everything through multiple jobs. I’ve been a cleaner, factory packer, barmaid, general dogs body, but at no point have I ever expected anyone to pay anything for me, my parents would have laughed in my face at the thought I would expect anything from them, fuck they cared more about me not being late for the jobs they lined up for me than actually going to school (hence no GCSEs).

DHs family are rich, several millions. We don’t expect help and certainly don’t begrudge his parents for enjoying life with the money they earnt themselves. I’m sure if we asked they would help, but DH never would and I couldn’t imagine asking anyone for help, I’ve been paying my own way since I was 15yo.

i plan on being more supportive for my own DCs but they won’t get a penny if they feel entitled to it.

And the whole endowment mortgage scandal where for years we didn't know if our payments would cover our mortgage! Ours eventually did, just about, but with the costs of childcare, we weren't in a position to do anything about it. Got nowhere with our mis-selling claim either, surprise surprise.

But all of that is just forgotten.

Yabu. Their money.... their choice....

My parents contributed to our wedding but they certainly didn't pay for it. Neither did they help us buy our first house.

We would never have expected them to!! That's the difference between our generation and seemingly younger ones. Total entitlement.

Theres no nuance to this though. It’s not entitled for younger people to be annoyed that housing is the economy & due to birth dates many have been left behind. I’m pretty sure less younger people would need or expect help if there was more social housing & wages vs prices was more in line.

@Runnerinthenight I remember the endowment scandal. But that doesn’t mean wages have not stagnated or house prices vs salaries ratio has not increased. Or are you saying those things are irrelevant because of the endowment scandal?

I’m older as our my parents. But they downsized at 65 and used most of equity released to do up the new house ultra high spec which is how they like to spend the money. It will have increased the value but will never be recouped. It isn’t what I would have done with all that new savings but it was their choice. We saved for a long time and recently bought in very late 30s. They did choose to give me some money to help do work on our first house purchase with some of the remainder of their savings which I’m grateful for but didn’t expect. we haven’t got round to having our wedding as money went on our children and house. My parents were going to pay for the band and dress if it would have happened

edit: that’s not to say I don’t get why it’s frustrating how hard it is to buy a house. My parents bought when married in early 20s both on low incomes and successfully worked their way up the property ladder
and at least the inheritance of my parents and your house will likely go to us (if not gone on care) so maybe look on the bright side it has gone on round the world cruises, although I wouldn’t begrudge that either

Something I have seen from some young people is a different concept of cutting back. We all know that not buying an avocado isn’t the answer but there are many ways to be sensible. A bloody Stanley cup is not essential, nor is spending £250 a month on nails and eyebrows.

Some of us may have managed to scrape enough money together to buy a house 25 years ago but we lived with second hand furniture and without holidays for years. There was nothing left over and there were zero frills. I see little of that when many say they are saving.

Note that I wrote some and many, not all, before someone throws a strop.

I agree with you. It's the expectation and entitlement I find quite shocking.

It’s a weird one isn’t it? I am so hyperfocused on my kids that i would never do this without factoring them in somehow. Whether it be making sure there was room for them to also move in so they could save for their own house or trying to buy a place with enough land for that money that perhaps a smaller house could be built. My brain would be thinking of them always.

But that’s me. Loads of people don’t think like that and it seems that your parents are one of those. There is literally nothing you can do. It’s their money. I’d probably try and find a glimmer of light and that’s that they are investing their money in bricks and mortar as opposed to pissing it away on four holidays a year.

I empathise with you OP. It would be nice for your parents to WANT to help you. Especially when their generation did not have it as tough as now… and that’s the reality. They don’t want to help you and that’s quite hurtful in itself, they are making a choice not to help. I always like to think that I would want to help my children to have a better life , isn’t that the whole point of being a family ? I would also want to help my parents if I could. But to think they don’t want to help me, when they could would make me sad.

I wonder if there is a cultural element here
for some. I am from an asian background and you do support family financially if you are able. My parents (very hardworking immigrants) are in their eighties but helped us with a flat deposit in the 90s. They would never charge us rent if we needed to stay with them. Same for the other Asian families we know. They now
still give us and our kids cash gifts. They Want to help us and they lead frugal lives now by choice.

We are not as frugal and like our takeaways and holidays. But we too save for our young adult kids. We pay their university fees and one day would like to
help with a house deposit if we can. So the cycle continues. It gives me pleasure.

The Asian families we know are all the same. Things will probably change over time I guess.

We all have a very strong work ethic. I work full time in the NHS and last called in sick 25 years ago. Having family support doesn’t mean churning out feckless lazy adults. It’s about doing what you can to make the life easier of the kids that you have raised and love. Even after they turn 18. The word ‘entitled’ feels alien to me.

And I am talking about giving your kids money once your own needs have been met. Which is of course a privilege. I don’t mean giving all your money to your kids and living a life of poverty.