Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

I've voted you are brain unreasonable, but I do absolutely understand why you are upset. I think that generation are generally blind to the financial step up they had property wise. Could you ask if you can move in with them so you can save?

Oh apologies I must have missed this from your original post! Dripfeed much 🙄

It’s no wonder things are going down the shitter when apparently most people don’t even give a crap about their own children once they turn 18.

I can hear you 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t entirely believe posters who claim not to get this. Surely the dimmest poster can grasp that some numbers are bigger than others. And that the average house price is many, many more times the average salary than the same equation in 1987 or whenever. My parents bought their first house for 9k. That certainly wasn’t 10x their salary.

Have you actually asked them?

How would your parents see your struggle in a meaningful way for you?

If you want a fancy wedding and aren''t willing to compromise then you're not struggling.

You can actually have children in a rented flat.

you still here? 🙄 derailing the thread now with your pettiness but i’ll play along…

1. Triggered by the millions of people who do what you couldn’t afford to. Being aware of it and even acknowledging it as a privilege doesn’t mean every single parent has to do as yours did or that it is out of reach for every single young person.
   what would you have did without help…rented? Moved to a smaller area? Put off having children? You’d have had to change direction and make different choices. Or maybe you grew up just expecting it handed to you so deliberately chose what you couldn’t afford expecting others to subsidise you?

2. Talking about reading threads i didn’t say op wanted all their money so follow your own advise there. she clearly expects some though hence the jealousy her parents are spending money on a new house and not giving it to her

3. you said bank of mum and and are expected to contribute to those under 55 buying houses. Those without help (either through parental choice, dead parents or parents not being in a position) make different choices and you do know you can save for a deposit when renting right?

Bullshit. It was miles easier. We are late 50's early 60s.
Back in the day my NHS salary and DHs teachers pay allowed us to buy a 4 bedroomed detached house with an acre garden that was twice our combined income.
These days it would be at least 10times a junior teacher's and nurses combined salary.
It's v v hard for young adults. I think a lot of "boomers" forget that.

@DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm
I actually don’t think it’s unusual in real life & lots of threads here have posters who would prioritise dcs house deposits over other things. These threads just seem to attract a lot of criticism but weirdly lots of the critical posters are saving for their dc. Go figure! 😆

Hahaha this is an absolute blinder of an idea. It might really help them to understand.

@Owl55 the data all shows it was easier. But feel free to post evidence that suggests otherwise.

I'm in my fifties, have worked fucking hard all my life and IF I want to spend my money buying an "unsuitable house" I will.

I came from nothing, grew up on one of the worst sink estates in Edinburgh. Rented for most of my life. Managed to buy in the mid 2000's. I'm going broke supporting my kids through uni. I didn't benefit from better times, I worked and worked. I have never wallowed in money, every month of my life has been a balancing act between mortgage/rent/bills/nursery/childminders and now their uni (I didn't go. No one from my school went. I want better for them, I want their life to be less of a fight).

I'm hoping to retire abroad and whilst I'd love to give my kids some money towards their life, if it means the difference between a nice home with things I have always dreamt of* and something that isn't what I really, really want then I'll spend on the dream home because I absolutely deserve it. It will be theirs soon enough anyway.

"Giving a little helping hand of 100k or so"... I mean words fail me.

*I want a pool, a view and large covered terrace. Not mad stuff but if it is a choice of the pool or giving my kids money I will take the pool. Years of shitty commuting in the freezing cold means I get the pool.

My parents moved to the area of their dreams when they retired and up-sized in the process - and bloody good for them. By contrast, DH and I live in a tiny terrace in a rundown town.

I can't say it really bothers me. They chose high-flying careers, I chose a vocational low-paying job. It's not their job to support me forever.

And?

You are being unreasonable to begrudge your parents this, yes. Might there be a compromise where you and your partner could move into this lovely big house even for a year or 2 to be able to fast track your savings by not paying rent (or paying less “rent” to your parents)?

It is more difficult I would say now but it’s not impossible, DH & I are in our twenties and we have a mortgage and got married last year, we haven’t had any money given financially by family towards either but we always knew that we weren’t going to be gifted any money so from very early days we have saved and saved. It meant working shitty jobs for extra cash, staying in when others were going out, staying home while we had friends who were in Ibiza 3 times a year, driving old cars while our friends had brand new ones on finance… but we did get there and saved our deposit, got the mortgage. Then we were able to start saving for the wedding. We were engaged for 4.5 years because we wanted a mortgage first and foremost, so saving for that had to come before saving for a wedding. You can’t have everything you want as soon as you want it though, so if you are going to spend 5k on a wedding, but having a house is more important as you want a child, put that 5k towards your deposit first. You have to be single minded about your goals individually, one at a time.

Voting.
Get involved in politics.

Life doesn’t need to be passive.

Well as someone your parents age I think they are being very unfair. DH and I inherited some money and it went straight to our children so they both now have their own homes (with a mortgage) in their 20’s.

Surely any parents would help if they could?

I understand how you’re feeling. All the things in life we hope to achieve as adults are now so out of reach for many people under the age of 45. There have been HUGE increases in the cost of going to university, driving lessons, car insurance, the cost of buying a car, renting a home, buying a home, weddings, childcare, heating, electric, petrol/diesel. Having a baby is just not an expense many women can afford. Wages have stagnated in the last 20 or so years but all those things I’ve listed have increased in cost. I’m really sorry this is the economic climate you’re growing up in OP & I can understand why you’re frustrated at your parents. They’re not to blame though, these circumstances have happened because of capitalism & Tory politics. That’s why the richest in this country are getting richer & there’s no desire to address this generational inequality.

Wow. Well, we upsized on retirement (aged 70), on receipt of a very substantial inheritance from my parents. And yes, I gave some to my kids, but I had been very generous to them in the past. We NEED a bigger place in retirement. As working empty-nesters, in our 50s and 60s, we had a tiny flat in a city, which was all we needed, with demanding jobs. Now that we have time to please ourselves, we have a huge garden and lots of space for visitors, family, hobbies, self-sufficiency. I paint, write, tutor and garden, he has a range of hobbies requiring tools, machines and computers. I seem to keep half the village in fruit and vegetables. The property is worth considerably more than when we bought it, owing to my creation of a garden paradise.

Is that ok with you, or do I need to run my spending past you?

Oh, they will also inherit three other properties, the product of my own working life. I'm not selling them - the kids want to keep them, because they are in highly desirable areas and will be worth a bomb when we cark it. I could sell and blow the lot on cruises and plastic surgery and fancy cars, since I earned it, but I'm forgoing that sort of stuff in retirement to ensure they have a healthy inheritance.

I didn't realise it was a parents job to fund a house of their independent adult children. My parents along with 99% of other parents must have missed that memo. I'm guessing yours worked for many years, saved and looked forward to a time when they could have the house they always wanted when they could afford it which happens to be now. Give your head a wobble you aren't coming across very well.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!! I will absolutely not be downsizing to provide my kids with deposits! I will be a long time dead. I like where I live. I am gradually upgrading it in preparation for retiring. I want to always have enough room if any of my children need to come home. I do not want to live in a semi after 26 years of living in a detached.

And do you know what, none of my children would ever expect it either. Eldest is saving and on target to buy on their own in the summer. It can be done.

Clearly plenty wouldn’t.

Can’t understand not wanting to pass on what you have to your children. I’m going to make sure I see my children are okay. I often went without so they were okay when they were younger, going without food on occasion. Just feel it goes against nature not to help them. If you don’t feel like that then you probably shouldn’t bother having them imo.

My parents have helped me out plenty but it's not their job to fund my lifestyle as a grown adult or pay for my housing costs.

You do realise that wages have stagnated for all of us? We work in the public sector, both of us, and the fucking shit payrises have made it even more of a sacrifice for us to support our young adults.

We supported them through uni - yes, they still have student loans. We've paid for their holidays. We paid for their driving lessons. For their car insurance on my car (not buying them cars, more appreciated when they buy them, as one has).

And childcare was always a huge expense. At its peak, with all three kids in childcare, it was more than twice our mortgage.

Have you told your parents that you would like to buy a house but are finding it a struggle? I think some of the older generation have no idea about the cost of houses etc. I asked my mother in law the other day How much do you think my daughter pays for childcare per day and she answered £10!!!!! She pays £96 per day and has just increased.