Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

That isn't very nice, I agree.

It's not everyone's situation though. I was never able to give up working, never wanted to anyway, even when I wasn't left with very much when the cost of childcare was factored in.

We couldn't afford to take the kids abroad for years. Their first trip away was to Disneyland when the eldest was 9, and my parents paid for it all.

I’m sorry OP. I don’t think there’s any ‘should’ in this situation, but they are certainly deviating from a cultural norm which, if you have otherwise good relationships with them, you might reasonably expect them to follow. Most parents in a position to help would do so, especially if not giving that help was in some way a barrier to having grandchildren. I don’t think you are unreasonable at all, especially as their circumstances as you knew them have changed quite suddenly. What you might do about it is less clear. If you are close, you could talk to them - not to ask for money, but so that they understand how this feels for you. But then I’m a talker-about-things and I know some families don’t!

YANBU. Even an extra £10k towards a deposit for you now is more helpful than you inheriting 500k in your sixties or seventies. My friends that had a little help from their parents early on have all now got substantially bigger houses than those who had no help. The help they had was in the form of parents buying them first cars and helping with deposits. The people that had none of that help saved for those things themselves, but of course it took longer and in that time, the market moved upwards very quickly so for example (and forgive me if I've estimated the years wrong) a house that was worth 50k in 1994 may then have been worth 90k in 1998. If your parents had helped you to buy in 1994, you were already in the market, enjoying the 5 or 10k your parents had gifted as the deposit while driving around in the car they'd bought you, and also enjoying the equity you quickly built up while enjoying the odd takeaway pizza maybe. The person with none of that help saved and had no pizzas, perhaps managed the 5 or 10k savings by 1998 (and don't forget they'd also had to save for their car) and bought the same house as the first person, but for 30k more.

A little help early on goes a very long way.

you don’t sound like an adult

So irrelevant you have to keep tagging me. I mean i’m flattered but we’ve already established some of us would only be where we are today and in a position to help our kids because other people helped us. Whilst some of us managed it on our own, with no help (& dead parents!)

Some might have to downsize to financially help our kids and some of us won’t have to. Some people are clearly raising kids who expect indefinite financial help from their parents and whose children resent them living a nice life & thats sad. As an adult, sorry parent, i want my children to be grateful, respectful and self supporting as much as possible. Doesn’t mean i won’t help them but i don’t want it expected. Op shouldn’t resent her parents spending their money or enjoying it while they can. Hence i think op is being unreasonable. Others, pathetic.

This reminds me of the time I had a catch up with an average to below average direct report. She put time in with me and proceeded to say

"I'd like to talk about my salary, I want to get married and start a family so I'd like a raise please"

It was a very short conversation.

OP: the world owes you nothing. You sound entitled, jealous, and bratty.

I want. I want. I want.

Sorry, that wasn't clear and I thought it was more.

I do think it's selfish of them and I wonder whether they've had a bit of a lottery win - the extra money seems to have come as a bit of a surprise.

Why do so many people of your generation begrudge their parents lifestyle , it was never easier , we had 15% interest to repay on our mortgage , we never had a holiday outside the Uk , we had one car needed to travel to work , we budgeted constantly , we rarely bought new clothes and our children had modest gifts at Xmas and birthdays but we were happy and lived within our means , we both had low paid jobs and never went to university either . For Gods sake stop moaning and get on with it!!!

Yabu but I’d be a bit miffed!

One or two thousand would be hugely helpful. I’m not talking about wanting all their money FFS. In fact I don’t want any of their money, I’m just miffed that they have so much and we are struggling, and they don’t see that.

I’d be surprised if they didn’t. Are they all home owners? If not, you’ve probably got your answer.

It's their money not yours. they can spend it however they wish. You are an adult. you need to behave like an adult..it's your responsibility to provide a home (and I know the difficulties) I lived on £5 a week for years, I cut everything out in order to save for a house. Your parents wealth is theirs, and I say this as someone with parents with multiple foreign properties and many BTL homes. They were worth millions. But it. was their money not mine. They worked for it.
Save every penny you can, you are responsible for you..not your parents.

It’s not work for fucksake. You don’t earn your parent’s love! And nor do families ‘owe’ each other anything. But they do share. And especially, parents share with their children. I’m not saying they should hand over everything and go live in a tent, but it would be generous and kind for them to help the OP. Surely qualities we can all aspire to.

Aww come on, this is harsh. Virtually everyone I know of my own age is downsizing to help their DC. Myself included.
There is absolutely no need to tell someone who is already hurting that her parents don't like her.

@Runnerinthenight this is so tone-deaf. Much of the wealth of the older generation is extracted by their children and grandchildren needing to pay ever higher sums for a house. It is a direct transfer from young to old. Too damn right they can whinge about it!!!

YABU. This is my retirement plan, too, sell up and buy somewhere a bit bigger with land. If I had dc, I might have different ideas, but it’s my dream.

@Feellikeafailurenow

its bizarre your response to the OP is

“Jealous much? Petty as they haven’t just handed thousands over to you?*

They might not need the house but they can spend what they want (and can afford to
spend) on a house which they will be happy in for the rest of their days. Presumably they financially supported you for years when you were younger & will likely one day when they are dead & you inherit the house? They also likely worked all their lives to pay for the house they’ve just sold. They don’t owe you anything just now.

Maybe you and your partner need higher paying, better jobs. Or to move to a cheaper area. Or to just have the registry office wedding and concentrate on saving for a small starter home. Basically live within your means.

It’s called life and whilst i’m not denying that houses cost a lot more nowadays and wages haven’t necessarily increased in line with everything else you are not the only young person to struggle. Some of us don’t have our parents around & here’s you moaning that yours are healthy & enjoying life. Time to grow up

but then you go on to say

“i have young children and i personally wouldn’t do as the ops parents have and would give some money to my children in the future if they needed it. We actively have savings to gift them money when the time comes for them to need a deposit but thats our choice and because we can - it doesn’t mean 30 years from now we won’t spend money on ourselves (if we are still here) We chose to have kids and support them financially but i also expect them to work hard, save, prioritise the decisons they make (e.g smaller wedding for house desposit) and make sensible choices & if i knew they resented us spending our money on ourselves and were jealous and expected us to give it all to them i would maybe think twice.”

Your parents were in your position once.

No, they weren't. Previous generations weren't. That's the point.

Well that’s completely irrelevant then, isn’t it?

1-2 k? But both of you are young, fit, and able to work. Why don’t you both get a job working a couple of shifts in a bar, or at Waitrose or something on a Sat? You’d earn this in a month or so. Or don’t spend 5k on a wedding and invest it instead for a couple of years (and add to it).

No, they weren't. Previous generations weren't. That's the point

it’s like shouting into the void.

I can understand why you're sad, and jealous. I would be. There are no saints out here. But its their money to spend as they please. Personally Id prefer to give my offspring a flat/house deposit. On the other hand you and your boyfriend dont earn much so you'll be struggling day to day anyway won't you, with the lifestyle you want eg children

I hope your parents can maintain that big house and get around in it too. My home country has so many who've moved from UK bought themselves a big house in retirement. Eventually they're just stuck downstairs as arthritis, illness means they cant get upstairs so they cant enjoy their home. Happened to my next door neighbour here too, bed in the living room when elderly as couldnt get upstairs.

If I make it to 70 Im downsizing. & no stairs.

All the people saying you are unreasonable clearly see their children purely in terms of how they affect their lives, rather than how they affect their childrens’ lives. Ironic considering the children only exist because of an ultimately selfish decision by their parents.

It’s obviously unusual here, but I still feel a sense of responsibility to my children even though they are now adults and bizarrely would like them to enjoy a similar, or even god forbid better, standard of life that I’ve enjoyed. Spending money on luxuries when they can’t even afford a house, or struggle to budget for children would strike me as being even more selfish than having kids in the first place. I find it sad that I seem to be in the minority, but I guess that’s the society we have built.

@Heronwatcher wow the ignorance. I work a stressful more than full time job and have a disability.

It is different now.

This guy explains it better than me:

It is, you're so right. Like shouting into the void.