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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset daughter wasn’t invited to party?

175 replies

mrspixie1 · 19/01/2024 16:32

To say something or not. My 4 year old told me that one of her friends said she wasn’t allowed to invite my DD to her birthday because her mum doesn’t know her. The mum does know my daughter and has on many occasion spoken to me at the gate. Now she may well not like me but I never got that impression and now my DD is really upset and feeling left out. I am really not sure how to put it as it was the friend who mentioned it to her. They play and I have seen them get on well. So I am really baffled and feel like confronting the mum But don’t want to cause awkwardness. wwyd?

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 19/01/2024 18:56

mrspixie1 · 19/01/2024 16:42

I can be serious. Why wouldn’t I stand up for my daughter? Why should she be singled out and feel like something is wrong with her. What would you say to your 4 year old I would love to know. The party is tomorrow.

Singled out?!
You have no idea how many children have been invited to the party. Or even if there is a party.
Trying to bulldoze her into a party she hasn't been invited to isn't "standing up for your daughter", bloody hell!

starfishmummy · 19/01/2024 18:59

It upsets me and her friend said she was not allowed to invite my daughter - what kind of issue could you have with a child I don’t know.

But none of us were there when the child and her mother had the conversation. And the child may have

It could have been as simple as numbers " sorry dd, we said 10 people and you've already asked that number so no more are allowed" could easily be turned into "I'm not allowed to invite you" by birthday girl.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 19/01/2024 18:59

You'll need to get used to this. Kids invite whoever they want, or their parents do. Sometimes your kid is invited, sometimes they're not. It happens to everyone and stings, but that's the way it goes.

Bouncyball23 · 19/01/2024 19:03

mrspixie1 · 19/01/2024 16:42

I can be serious. Why wouldn’t I stand up for my daughter? Why should she be singled out and feel like something is wrong with her. What would you say to your 4 year old I would love to know. The party is tomorrow.

I would tell my 4 year old that you won't always get invited to other children's parties just as she won't always invite everyone to hers simple as that.
And people wonder why kids these days are so entitled with parents like this!!!

Terrrence · 19/01/2024 19:09

People can choose who to invite to their own parties as I'm sure you and your DD do. You can't raise a complaint with people if they choose not to invite you. There is nothing that can be done. If you haven't been invited to a party you cannot go.

maudelovesharold · 19/01/2024 19:09

Try not to project your adult insecurities on to your daughter. The ‘I’m not allowed to invite you’ is more likely to have arisen out of a limit on cost and numbers, than because a Mum has randomly taken against a 4 yr old! Let’s say the child was allowed to invite eight to her party. 4 yr olds aren’t going to keep count. Maybe your dd was the 9th name she mentioned. What if you ‘confront’ the Mum and she says that her dd really didn’t want to invite yours to the party? Four year olds are notoriously flaky about friendships, which can be very fluid at this stage and it would be a huge mistake to take any of this too seriously.

maudelovesharold · 19/01/2024 19:12

maudelovesharold · 19/01/2024 19:09

Try not to project your adult insecurities on to your daughter. The ‘I’m not allowed to invite you’ is more likely to have arisen out of a limit on cost and numbers, than because a Mum has randomly taken against a 4 yr old! Let’s say the child was allowed to invite eight to her party. 4 yr olds aren’t going to keep count. Maybe your dd was the 9th name she mentioned. What if you ‘confront’ the Mum and she says that her dd really didn’t want to invite yours to the party? Four year olds are notoriously flaky about friendships, which can be very fluid at this stage and it would be a huge mistake to take any of this too seriously.

Oops! X post. I see pp have already said the same upthread!

Snowdogsmitten · 19/01/2024 19:21

You’re assuming everyone else is invited. It could be the child was only only allowed to choose a couple of friends and your daughter didn’t make the cut. Or it could be four year old bullshit. You really can’t confront the mother…

Mumofmarauders · 19/01/2024 19:34

This happened to my DD (she wasn't invited to a party that she'd have loved to go to because it was at the trampoline park even though she was quite good pals with the girl involved and other kids were involved who the girl seemed much less close to. Me and the mum used to socialise a bit, too). I never knew why and just told my daughter "what a shame for x, she's missed out having you at her party" and made sure we did something really fun that afternoon ourselves. The girls are still friendly but to be honest I did dissuade my (lovely and non-grudge bearing!) DD from inviting the girl to her own next party and I don't really socialise with the mum anymore unless she asks me to something. There'd have been zero point making a huge deal about it though, and my DD was mildly disappointed for a few days and now has forgotten all about it.

AnneValentine · 19/01/2024 19:34

mrspixie1 · 19/01/2024 17:02

I overheard a couple kids talk about it at pick up then my daughter said the girl whos party it is said that my daughter wasn’t allowed to be invited. Hence why I even put this question up. I do well know for the patronising police here that she won’t be invited to every party. This girl is her friend though and also made a point to tell my daughter she wasn’t allowed to invite her making me thing she wanted my daughter there but the mum said no. My daughter said her friend group were invited and she wasn’t. I don’t think I would say anything but also this is my daughter and of course I would want to protect her other ways than teaching her “lifes tough”

You need to sort out your attitude. She will be excluded because of you if you don’t xx

mummysherlock · 19/01/2024 19:40

OP I know you’re upset but this is very unlikely to be a personal attack on you or your DD.
Likely scenario is that this is a small low key party, and the birthday girl is only able to have a handful of children there. Inevitably at this age parents manage the numbers and invite list and this is an age where cousins and children of other extended family tend to still be high on the invite priority list. Also birthday mum may be good friends with the mums of the other girls in the friendship group and she has chosen to invite them because she sees it as an opportunity to have a good catch up and socialise with them, or if the party is being hosted at her home, she feels more comfortable with people she knows in her home environment. Also, if she is good friends with their mums, chances are she has had the other girls over for play dates or been on days out with them, so knows what they are like, can trust they are normally well behaved etc.
It’s good that you are taking the advice of others upthread and are not confronting the other mum. Use this as an opportunity to teach your DD to manage her diss appointment in a dignified way

Traumdeuter · 19/01/2024 19:44

Mumof2NDers · 19/01/2024 17:20

when my DS was 3 he told my DM that his dad had punched him in the face!!

Show quote history

My 3yo told nursery that his dad had been squished by a train.

His dad had got his jacket caught in the train door the previous weekend.

wutheringkites · 19/01/2024 19:44

If these are Reception kids and the two girls didn't go to the same nursery, I'd assume the parent was inviting kids they knew from nursery rather than new school friends.

There's been lots of this in my son's year, not really a big deal.

Hazil · 19/01/2024 20:09

Sorry this happened.

A lot of party venues/entertainers have max number of children eg 24 kids, or cost a lot less for 8 kids or whatever. Bet she just picked an entertainer that either won’t do all thenkids or costs a fortune.

It’s shitty of her to lie about it to her child. Just tell your daughter that the mum has made her choice and perhaps can’t afford to invite everyone never mind.

WandaWonder · 19/01/2024 20:13

My child is pretty switched on but at 4 would have no idea what a party was, yeah right

Zanatdy · 19/01/2024 20:14

You do nothing. You can’t go challenging parents as they didn’t invite your child to their party. You’re going to be in this boat many times over their childhood. It’s not nice but just do something nice with your DD and forget all about it

hottchocolate · 19/01/2024 20:18

They don't have to invite your DD. Just leave it.

ScierraDoll · 19/01/2024 20:19

You need a reality check and quickly or else you will spend your child's entire childhood anxiously over reacting to every blip that happens

Nevermind31 · 19/01/2024 20:24

mrspixie1 · 19/01/2024 16:45

Its not as she said her friends had been invited and my daughter is quite good at not making things up. She wouldn’t lie or fabricate this. I just don't want her singled out. It upsets me and her friend said she was not allowed to invite my daughter - what kind of issue could you have with a child I don’t know. I invite whoever my daughter says and would never say no you can’t invite ‘so and so’ if she plays with them at school.

Most likely… numbers. Or other child has been invited to their parties., so now has to invite them.
or mum is better friends with others…
you really have to get over this - not everyone is invited to every party

Ch4ng3dn4m3 · 19/01/2024 20:24

My daughter is 7 and has a tight friendship group, she tells me she plays with the same girls everyday at school and pretty much has done since reception, at every party, school discos etc they all gravitate towards each others but when it came to her birthday she didn't want to invite two of them to her party. I might be wrong to have done this but I had a conversation with her about what it is to be a good friend and asked her how she'd feel if those particular girls didn't invite her to their parties, I didn't force her to invite them but I certainly encouraged it and she did change her mind and included them in the end and I'm glad she did as I know she would be upset if the shoe was on the other foot. Kids can be fickle I don't think it hurts to guide them at times

BMWM340 · 19/01/2024 22:43

Oh get over it! You're the typical 'my poor little angel would never' type of mum.

The world doesn't revolve around you or your kid. 'My child would lie' 😂😂😂😂

She's four years old.

Stop being professionally offended.
The entitlement you're showing is going to rub off on your child.

PaperDoIIs · 19/01/2024 23:15

BMWM340 · 19/01/2024 22:43

Oh get over it! You're the typical 'my poor little angel would never' type of mum.

The world doesn't revolve around you or your kid. 'My child would lie' 😂😂😂😂

She's four years old.

Stop being professionally offended.
The entitlement you're showing is going to rub off on your child.

Tbf it's more about perception than lying.
I had a parent very upset because I didn't let her DD go to the toilet for quite a while and she nearly wet herself. All technically true, except the reason I didn't "let" her was that we were on a coach.Grin

Tempnamechng · 20/01/2024 10:19

It's natural to feel a little sad or disappointed for your dd, but your job is to give your dd coping mechanisms for disappointment, not always protection from them.

stardustbiscuits · 02/03/2024 09:55

I was wondering in year 1 why my son hadn’t been invited to 3 parties in a row … it felt like a pattern. I saw it as a concern from the perspective of needing to find out if he was doing anything at school to upset other children, if he was making friends ok etc. so I decided to chat to the teacher. She said that most boys were playing football in break time and he didn’t - so he often was playing with the girls or on his own. He has 3-4 boys who are friends but not so much the ones that held the parties. So that gave me the answer.
how about asking the teacher if she has noticed any trouble and you just wanted to make sure the friendships are ok? You might get an insight that you don’t already have without causing conflict with another parent.

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2024 11:54

At present you have third hand information from a 4 year old. Challenging another adult based on this alone, is foolish.

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