To be upset daughter wasn’t invited to party?

[mrspixie1]

To say something or not. My 4 year old told me that one of her friends said she wasn’t allowed to invite my DD to her birthday because her mum doesn’t know her. The mum does know my daughter and has on many occasion spoken to me at the gate. Now she may well not like me but I never got that impression and now my DD is really upset and feeling left out. I am really not sure how to put it as it was the friend who mentioned it to her. They play and I have seen them get on well. So I am really baffled and feel like confronting the mum But don’t want to cause awkwardness. wwyd?

OP... dat you?

Always tricky I think & tempting to invite kids with the mums you know you get on with easily.

Why though?! It's a party for the child and the kids who's company they enjoy not for the parents. Just say a polite hello to the parent, thank them for coming and then get on with your life. If that's so difficult to do for your child's wellbeing then you are too bloody selfish to have children IMO

She’s probably not ‘allowed’ because the child has only been allowed to invite a certain number. My DC had to choose a small number of friends to invite at that age.

There will be a lot more of this to come.

if going forward she does not get many invites. Keep an eye if there is a mother who does not like you or your girl. My friend found out there was a horrible woman spreading gossip. She always felt that there was something not quite right until finally the wicked woman made a mistake and was put on the spot. Funny she pretended to be friends with the mother. She was shocked but the mother ridiculed. LoL

I have literally just had this conversation with my 5yo. Who do you want to invite? You can have 5 friends. Lists 5. Lists 6 and 7. No you can’t invite 6 and 7 because you can only have 5. We can only afford 5. She cannot invite 5 and 6. I bet if 5 asks she’ll say “my mum says i can’t invite you”

It does feel upsetting when kids aren't invited. It might have been when the mum asked her who she wanted to invite, she didn't say your daughter. And now she's changed her mind maybe, but the mum has said it's too late.
Unfortunately this will happen every year, so it's just one of those things.

Glad she was found out - there is nothing worse than the person who pretends to be your friend while stabbing you in the back.

It's most likely that the birthday girl mum invited children that she'd known a long time, like nct or from nursery and children that had been for playdates and hung out with the child.

Saying hello at thr gate is not the same as actually spending time and knowing someone.

Maybe the mum actually doesn't want people she doesn't know very well there.

Perhaps you should invite the child and mum for a playdate so you can get to know her

Or as others have said there is a limit, and child has translated as not allowed to invite

I would take what the 4 year olds said with a pinch of salt. Presumably there is a limit on numbers so only so many made the cut. You will need to get used to this over the years. Same if you host a party I'm sure you won't be inviting every single child.

There are so many ways a 4yo would hear that they are not allowed to invite her:

Party is in 3days, everything booked, party bags ready... "mum, can I invite DD to my party?" "No, it's too late"

Party is with NCT/nursery/family

Mum is only inviting 4-5 kids so nobody is singled out... "can I also ask DD?" "No, you are only allowed 5"

Loads of scenarios that point to a burgeoning friendship with DD, as she might actually have asked about her. The only way to destroy this friendship is your reaction. Please leave it alone.

Unless it's a whole class party, then the line had to be drawn somewhere. My DD had a party recently and we could only invite 10 kids for various reasons. I felt really guilty for having to leave some people out but it's the way it is sometimes.

You need to let this go and not overthink it. We bumped into a boy in DD’s reception class last term in a coffee shop, he said in front of his mum “DD’s invited to my party” and his mum told me the date and place and said a whole class what’s app invite was on the way soon. It never came! I didn’t ask the mum about it, assumed she decided against such a big do. DD subsequently had a whole class party which this boy was very excited to come to, all good!

Why are people being so horrible. The Mum is allowed to be upset for her daughter.. the daughter is allowed to be upset.
Op l wouldn't " confront" but ask .. see what's true and what isn't..if it's the case your daughter isn't invited.. maybe .. explain everyone can't go because.. etc and maybe do something special together to take her mind off it.. I'd do this if was mine.
Gosh some cruel people on here.

It's not about lies, it's about understanding and perception. It's about the fact that you're getting information based knowledge the account of another 4 yo.

Imagine your daughter doesn't tell you to invite suzie to her bday for whatever reason, and then when asked on the playground she says "my mum says no" to save face/ not upset her friend. Then you end up being confronted by Suzie's mum for leaving her out. Not so cut and dried is it?

At the end of the day, even if it's all true why of why would you want your kid somewhere where she's not wanted? Even worse, let those people know you and she are upset about it . Or get a pity/reluctant invite.

Well done @mrspixie1 , good update.

It is always tough to feel your kid has been left out but these situations will keep arising (especially with girls ime) and are great opportunities to build resilience in your child. Just don’t get drawn into discussing it at the school gate in case anyone brings it up (or have something breezy ready to say).

I understand that you're upset on your daughter's behalf. I went through similar in Reception with my DC not invited to a child's party.
However, it didn't occur to me to talk to the parent(s), nor anyone else about it.
I just listened to and acknowledged DC's feelings and said something like we don't always get invited to parties, even those of people we play with.
Not saying that's the right approach, but definitely better than lowering my dignity and speaking to anyone about it.
Sometimes we protect our children best by keeping a low profile and being diplomatic.

unfortunately, even if you confronted the mum, the point is, if they had wanted to invite dd, they would have.
this is life so do something special with your dd.
she’s probably forgotten about it already!

Our local soft play parties are nearly £20 per child. If you've got a couple of cousins, family friends, siblings, nct friends, that only leaves room for a couple of school kids unless you are willing to fork out hundreds and hundreds of pounds.

I'd always give people/situations the benefit of the doubt OP, it's easier to go through life expecting the best rather than assuming the worst.

You can confront the mum. I know it's hard but your daughter isn't entitled to an invite to a classmates party. You could end up making situation worse. Other parents could hear about it and you might get reputation as an entitled troublemaker.

I get it OP, it's not nice but trust me, they will have to learn to accept it or you will have to start socialising with other mums.

Another thing to factor in are siblings of invited kids with whom the family are close friends with. You cannot uninvite siblings especially if the kids have grown up together but each extra sibling displaces a spot for one friend from school. Even if there are just 2-3 families, that's 3 or 4 places taken up by siblings. For a birthday party of maybe 10 kids, that's already a lot.

Maybe it's the OP that the issue here, not the 4 year old, just deal with it that daughter not going to party tomorrow and move on.

Are all of the children invited? Or has the child mum said you can invite five girls or however many. If all the children in the class are not invited, your child is not being singled out, they just aren’t invited.

Thank goodness.

Of course you feel upset for your DD. We’ve all been there!

But even if your 4YO literally ever gets the wrong end of the stick, the other 4YO might have. And you can’t go wading in demanding answers and invites.

That’s definitely not the way to go about ensuring future invites - as thankfully you have realised!