To be upset daughter wasn’t invited to party?

[mrspixie1]

To say something or not. My 4 year old told me that one of her friends said she wasn’t allowed to invite my DD to her birthday because her mum doesn’t know her. The mum does know my daughter and has on many occasion spoken to me at the gate. Now she may well not like me but I never got that impression and now my DD is really upset and feeling left out. I am really not sure how to put it as it was the friend who mentioned it to her. They play and I have seen them get on well. So I am really baffled and feel like confronting the mum But don’t want to cause awkwardness. wwyd?

She hasn't been singled out, she just hasn't been invited. To answer your question, I would/have said 'you won't be invited to every party, just like we can't invite everyone to yours'.

The party is tomorrow, if she wanted your daughter there then she would know about it by now.

You seriously need to lose this "my little angel" mentality. ASAP.

Geez have the scammers found mumsnet now

So the mum said 'no, you can't ask anyone else we can only have 8 people'
That got translated badly, as you could expect, by a 4 year old. Twice.

You go in and confront

What do you think will happen?
The mum will think you are a pushy, entitled person, and your daughter will still not get to go as all the places are taken.
All you will achieve is to make yourself look awful and your daughter will think this is A Big Deal because you are making it into one.

Yes, we know you love your DD and don't want her to feel upset, ever. But she will get upset in life, and the sooner she learns to deal with any upset ( in this case by realising that this issue is not actually an issue at all therefore don't waste any emotional energy on it) the better. Our DCs need to learn it's ok to be sad, upset, angry etc and to deal with those emotions. Otherwise you risk raising a right little madam who expects everything on a silver platter.

Ok ok, I seem to be the psychotic mother here. I have told DD that its okay and there will be other parties I am sure friend has a good reason. I am not a dick. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad or disappointed for my daughter knowing she will have many a rejection. Don’t worry I won’t say anything, the last thing I would want is to make it worse for her. Thank you everyone.

This. Not saying you do this, but for every adult posting on sm about friends being unreliable/ 'u know who ur real friends are', there's a kid who's struggling to relate or regulate around others (usual caveats regarding sen/trauma etc).

So just chill.

Ds is much older, but wasn't invited to what he regarded, as his best mate's sleepover this summer. It hurt me, because he was hurt, but all I said to him was:"Oh well, people can be twats sometimes. And, to be fair, how much time do you actually spend together?"

You have a right to decide who gets invited to your home... and so does that other mother.

Do you think there is a reason your daugher was not wanted by the mother?
If worried that you have made the wrong impression on the family or that your daughter has, you could always ask the mother and find out.

(It is probably best to avoid demanding entry for your daughter if you want to be taken seriously!)

You tell her that people can invite whomever they please to their parties. That sometimes we don’t get invited to places we might like to go. That it is alright to be sad but there is nothing you can do about it.

It could basically just be the case that it's a smaller party with only a few children.

My ds has had parties at the house, he's told me who he wants and then mentioned other people at a later date, and I've told him no as the numbers would get out of control. He has lots of friends so I'm sure there were people he considers friends who he plays with that don't get invited.

It could have been the 4 year olds clumsy way of trying to tell your daughter she wanted her there but her mum said no.

See I just assumed that PP was one of those people that takes over any conversation at a dinner party and moves it onto whatever they want to talk about, but I guess you could be right too. 😂

Goodness knows how the PP's comment on the OP's daughter not being invited to a party is going down on THAT thread!!!

You really need to grow up, you sound about 12yrs old. You are going do more damage to your little one with your attitude.

Of course you’re not a psychotic mother! You have a right to feel sad for your DD, and glad you told her there’ll be other parties. Definitely don’t say anything to the other mum. Just take her out for a nice treat tomorrow instead 💖

Just say oh well, we'll do something really exciting instead (soft play/farm Park etc) and don't make a big deal of it. They're 4!!

Well done for taking the advice onboard.

Try and take your emotions out of it. Dd has not been rejected. It will make it easier for you.

Also when you have a party unless you are inviting everyone you know you will realise there has to be a limit and it isn't intended to hurt anyone or a sign you dislike someone.

mrspixie1 · Today 16:42

I can be serious. Why wouldn’t I stand up for my daughter? Why should she be singled out and feel like something is wrong with her. What would you say to your 4 year old I would love to know. The party is tomorrow

maybe it’s because of you and your attitude that is the reason why your daughter hasn’t been invited, they didn’t want you there!!!

OP has been back on and taken the advice on board.

When this happened to my 5 year old, I explained to her that we always have more friends than we can fit in at a party, and that sometimes even though we really want to go to something we can't, and that it's OK to be sad about it and that it doesn't mean that the other girl isn't still her friend.

There are no circumstances in which I would complain to another parent about my kid not being invited to her party, and I would be polite but pretty robust if anyone complained to me that their kid hadn't been invited to my kid's party.

This is an opportunity to help your daughter to develop a bit of healthy thick skin about not being invited to something which happens to all of us, all the time, all the way through life.

Sorry, OP, I missed your update! Didn't mean to pile on unnecessarily.

Good update, she'll be fine if you show you're fine!

Two years ago I got a text from one of the parents at DD's school saying "as [X] has broken her leg and can't make my daughter's birthday party, she would really love it if [my DD] could make it".

I accepted the invitation without pointing out how rude it was and we could have done without the backstory.

I do get it OP. Some parents can be right funny buggars and seem to want to push their cliqueyness onto their young children at an age where their children are most open to friendships. In a few years they'll then wonder why their kids are riddled with mental health problems. Because they haven't allowed their kids just to be kids and given them the autonomy to manage their own social interactions at a time when it's vital for their development to be doing so. It's really unhealthy for all involved. You won't win challenging it though so just ignore it

That said, I honestly can't believe that your kid is that upset that she hasn't been invited to a party. Are you sure that this isn't some of your anxieties brushing off on her? My 5YO is very sociable but honestly wouldn't give 2 hoots whether she's invited to a party or not

I think the healthiest approach is just to brush it off and just encourage dd to play with whoever she likes and whoever is kind to her. No drama needed

Good call!
You go in now asking why she didn’t get invited you pretty much ensure that invitations for parties will stop altogether!
Of course you feel sad for her but she’ll get over it.

Unless your daughter has been to their house to play then the mother doesn't really know her.

Is this a first party since starting school?

Always tricky I think & tempting to invite kids with the mums you know you get on with easily.

You say/do nothing.

It’s unlikely this will be the only time this happens.

My daughter age 8 has experienced this a few times. Reasons ranging from “my mum doesn’t know your mum” “my mum chose who I can invite” “my mum said I could only choose 5 friends”.

OP you’re going to have to develop a thicker skin. My 8 year old was part of a group of friends for 9 months, she was so happy, they all had play dates, met up in school holidays etc, and then my daughter was pushed out of the group because their mums are all friends. My daughter was heartbroken. She couldn’t understand why they now told her to go away when she tried to play with them and delighted in telling her about a play date they’d all had together at the weekend.

Honestly OP you need to let this go, you can’t demand your daughter is invited.