To be upset daughter wasn’t invited to party?

[mrspixie1]

To say something or not. My 4 year old told me that one of her friends said she wasn’t allowed to invite my DD to her birthday because her mum doesn’t know her. The mum does know my daughter and has on many occasion spoken to me at the gate. Now she may well not like me but I never got that impression and now my DD is really upset and feeling left out. I am really not sure how to put it as it was the friend who mentioned it to her. They play and I have seen them get on well. So I am really baffled and feel like confronting the mum But don’t want to cause awkwardness. wwyd?

Totally understand that you're disappointed for her. Most of us feel the same when our child is left out from something. It's hard not to take personally however there is nothing to be gained from approaching the parent who for some reason didn't want to invite your daughter and may have give her child a makey up reason as to why she couldn't come. It does sound a little like the parent doesn't think much of you but you can't change that. I'd mode a bright and breezy approach to your daughter and take the moral high ground by pretending not to care when you see mom again!

4 year olds are not reliable narrators. It doesn't mean she has lied or made something up. She may have misunderstood. My 4 yo says all kinds of crazy things he genuinely believes are true. The other day he had a dream I was being mean to him and was grumpy for ages after. They can't separate truth from reality sometimes.

Totally agree. Why on earth would you confront the mum? You have long tough years ahead of your first thought is confrontation about a 4 year old’s party

Stand up for my daughter? What exactly do you think you should be standing up for?

Yes it’s disappointing and upsetting, particularly if it’s someone you regard as your child’s friend, but both you and your child need to learn to accept that no one is entitled to demand an invite to someone’s party, or to be given a reason for no invite.

There could be a number of reasons your DD isn’t invited - numbers, cost, maybe the other child doesn’t regard your DD as good as a friend as you both think, or simply that the DM doesn’t like one or both of you etc.

Best to downplay it and say breezily to your DD that we can’t always be invited for various reasons, but hey, let’s go and do something fun together instead. Your road through the school years will be hard for you both if take no invites as a personal insult all the time. Teach resilience, not a demanding attitude.

These are 4 year olds. Seriously move on from this, take her out for the day instead

Your dd might not make things up, (she probably does though if she is NT) but the other 4 year old certainly might. Or may not herself have understood what her mother said. Perhaps her mother said she could only invite, eg 4 people from school and the child wanted to invite your dd but she was her fifth choice so the mum said 'no, you can't invite X'. An adult would understand the mother was simply limiting the numbers, but a 4 year old might take it literally to mean X was specifically not to be invited.

Honestly, even if the above scenario is false, what do you think you would say to the mother?

But OP- you don’t know what kind of relationship the parents of the other kids have with Birthday girl’s family.

The mums could be long standing and close friends who socialise together.

If she’s only allowed 5 people- that’s 4 kids plus birthday girl. Or she was only allowed to invite 3 school friends because her cousins and friend from gymnastics is also going.

The kid may have only mentioned her other classmates and forgot to add your daughter , then after it had all been booked said ‘oh I forgot about X, can she come too?’ And the parent has said, well you’ve already invited 5/10/50

maybe she’s driving them to the venue and can only fit a few kids in the car?

all of these are very common reasons why kids don’t get invited

If anyone on here tells you to confront the other mum are you planning to do it?
Seriously listen to the replies. She has a lot of years of primary ahead and you are better to keep quiet. If it's a whole class party I understand why you are annoyed, but without further details you can't just demand they invite your child.

That’s so mean and unnecessary for the mum to tell that to her kid! Wow. Incredibly Cruel. At this age, exclusion like this hurts a lot.

Yes, it’s her prerogative to not invite your dd, but she shouldn’t make a bully out of her own daughter by telling her why. So, so mean

So one 4 year old tells another 4 year old they’re not allowed to invite them to their party your 4 year old then tells you…. Is it possible there is only so many invites and party mum has told her DD she can only invite X amount of friends and the message has come across wrong to your DD.

Have you experienced four year olds and their ability to give half the story, get it wrong etc?

I wouldn't be relying on a four year old to testify in court.

You need to dial it down about a hundred notches @mrspixie1

It's going to be a very long 7 years otherwise.

This is a teachable moment, use it wisely.

But we have no idea whether that's what has actually happened. It's entirely possible that it's the child herself who didn't want to invite the OP's DD, and so at 4yo has made some rubbish up about her mum.

Pmsl at you thinking she’s been ‘singled out’ because she wasn’t invited to a 4yo’s birthday party. And ‘stand up for her’ against what exactly? Nothings happened to her? And do you know what, even if she was singled out, how’s it any of your business? It’s not your party, you’re not deciding the guest list, and it’s entitled as fuck to try and bully your way into an invite

Please take a deep breath and re read what you have written here. Then arrange to do something nice with yout child and don't give this any more space in your head. The way you react to this will affect your child if you let it. They will not be invited to every party even if they play together and that's fine. It's ok for your child to be a bit disappointed, and you can sympathise briefly but no other reaction needed!

Christ alive. There's no hope for the next generation!

I think you should complain to the teacher

>>runs from thread>>

I was thinking the governors tbh

Let it go and explain to your dd that she won't be invited to EVERY party. It's better they learn young then they won't end up back on mumsnet at age 35 complaining of not being invited to their bff's party etc

when my DS was 3 he told my DM that his dad had punched him in the face!!

Regardless of whether this information is reliable or not, both you and DD feel upset. And thats ok.

This is an opportunity to teach your DD about resilience - sometimes things will not go her way, and people will not always include her. Letting this upset you and you taking it further will not teach DD about having good self esteem and understanding that there are many other opportunities and parties she will be able to attend in future.

Don’t let the way you feel now cause you to behave in a way that may isolate you and DD from the rest of the classmates in future. The way you feel now will pass; try to do something else together at the time of the party. It will all be soon forgotten x

That's letting the LEA off the hook a bit.

What @PopcornBandit said.

Do not confront the mum. Wtf am I reading!

You need to teach your daughter that she’s not going to be popular with everyone, she’s only 4. She’ll find her tribe eventually. Pipe down the entitlement a bit maybe.