To be upset daughter wasn’t invited to party?

[mrspixie1]

To say something or not. My 4 year old told me that one of her friends said she wasn’t allowed to invite my DD to her birthday because her mum doesn’t know her. The mum does know my daughter and has on many occasion spoken to me at the gate. Now she may well not like me but I never got that impression and now my DD is really upset and feeling left out. I am really not sure how to put it as it was the friend who mentioned it to her. They play and I have seen them get on well. So I am really baffled and feel like confronting the mum But don’t want to cause awkwardness. wwyd?

No, parenting 101 is not to confront another parent.

My dd best friends invited whole class except dd to their birthday parties. Poor dd was saying, there's been a mistake, ask your mum etc. She learn a lesson that they wasnt actually her friends at all. They was even shocked when they wasn't invited to dds party. Bless dad, she said she couldn't invite everyone which was the line used on her.

Sometime people aren't nice, but you can't force them to be nice to your child

Say nothing. Do nothing. Distract your child.

You have taken this far too personally OP.

You need to let it go or you will seriously struggle with your child's school years.

Please do not bring it up with the other mum unless you want her to think you're a bit barmy.

Not every child (even those you think are friends with your child) can invite everyone to their parties. Just build your daughters resilience by telling her that.

You have a long and difficult road ahead if you’re going to get this worked up over such things. The party may well be for a smaller group rather than the whole class. whatever the reason, you are going to make things a whole lot worse for yourself and your child if you bring it up with the mother.

It would be a lot better for you to be casual and say “well, not everyone can be invited to every party” and do something fun with your child instead. This is not a hill worth dying on.

Depends what kind of party it is. A huge party in a massive hall? Or a play date set up where they'll be dropped off.
My son has a party in a couple of weeks that's laser quest and then Burger King afterwards. It's a small group of boys going and we'll drop him off and pick him up later. I know the parents, the parents know my son isn't going to run off/break something on purpose/behave badly, and also know that if there's an issue they can call me and I'll be there immediately! So it depends on what the set up is.

Oh god don’t say anything. They can invite whoever they like. Your job is to show your daughter that it isn’t the end of the world.

This. Dont talk to the mum. Four year old are really not a good source of information. Let it go. There are years of school yet and this sort of thing is going to happen again.

Maybe when the invites were talked about and done she never knew your daughter, maybe it's a small party. I have been that parent that 'helps' my child choose who to invite, I would never of said someone isn't invited but would of said I'd rather we didn't have people we didn't know. I've done whole class party's to groups of 5. I can guarantee someone is never happy. I once done a party and invited my child's year group, 48 children, then I had family on top and had people turning up with siblings as I had hired the whole place out. Luckily I had someone with a list and those who's name weren't down didn't get in, but I still got on xx really wants to come but we have y and z and it's not fair for them to not be able to join in. These kids were 8 so didn't need a adult, adults were allowed to stay just no extra children

Children at that age talk crap about birthday parties all the time. Having a lot of experience working with that age group, hearing a child say ‘you can’t come to my party’ or ‘I won’t come to your party’ to their friends happens ALL the time.

Don’t say anything. You won’t end up feeling like you’ve stuck up for your daughter, you’ll end up feeling like a twat.

This sounds like the party is more like the mum is inviting her friends for a get together, and to bring their kids.

It could even mean a family party with nieces and nephews.

So while it’s the 4 yr olds party, it isn’t a traditional all class party where the kids get dropped off.

That would be my interpretation of a 4 yr old’s discussion.

She's four. She won't even remember it soon. Sort out a treat for her that she will remember.

For fuck's sake, please don't be that mum. You will single handedly ruin your child's school years because you're the mother who causes drama and rows every time they think their precious child is even remotely slighted. No one will want their child playing with yours and no one will invite your child to anything because they refuse to deal with you.

You have no right to challenge anyone over your daughter not being invited. It's none of your business.

You are feeling this way more than your DD will, and you are doing her an injustice by going along with the idea she's been singled out rather than making light of it. They can probably only accommodate a certain number of children.

I agree with PP. At that age and beyond it was a nightmare trying to confirm who should and shouldn't be invited with my DC.

My guess is there are experiences in your past where you felt left out and it's impacting the world you build around your DD.

One final option that is less confrontational but could work is to strike up a conversation with the mum about something else (if you have her contact on chat). There are bound to be cancellations due to illness at this time of the year. So if she has a free spot and wants your daughter to join then she'll probably bring it up. If she doesn't mention it then you'll have to assume that it's a small party or nobody has cancelled. I genuinely wouldn't mind inviting another child to fill up any absences, but I actually feel too awkward at the idea of texting other parents last min because they'll know they were "second choice". If another mum wrote to me shortly beforehand, about something random, then I'd jump at the chance to invite her.

Oh dear god

I overheard a couple kids talk about it at pick up then my daughter said the girl whos party it is said that my daughter wasn’t allowed to be invited. Hence why I even put this question up. I do well know for the patronising police here that she won’t be invited to every party. This girl is her friend though and also made a point to tell my daughter she wasn’t allowed to invite her making me thing she wanted my daughter there but the mum said no. My daughter said her friend group were invited and she wasn’t. I don’t think I would say anything but also this is my daughter and of course I would want to protect her other ways than teaching her “lifes tough”

Act like you don’t care, make your daughter not care.

if you knew for a fact that every other child in the class had been invited minus your daughter then I would give you small grounds to say something.

however if you have no idea on who’s invited you don’t. You don’t know the parents financial details. They may only be able to afford a party of a few children so have told their daughter to pick key friends. You cannot force children to be friends with your child. It’s a part of social dynamics and learning lessons I’m afraid.

it seems that you need to learn a lesson in this situation that the world doesn’t revolve around your child and they aren’t always going to win/be picked for everything. It’s called life.

Well how would you imagine that conversation would go? I mean, I'm trying to imagine it but I can't even think how the start the topic without sounding a bit unhinged. And I can't imagine any outcome from the conversation where going to the party would be a comfortable and enjoyable experience for anyone.

My four year old daughter said "er friend group was invited"

The other four year ok "made a point of telling my four year old she couldn't come"

My god four year olds have got very articulate about party invites since mine were four.

OP AIBU

MN YES

OP NO I AM NOT, YOU'RE ALL
SARCASTIC AND NASTY AND ALL THUS TOOK PLACE!

Get over it, she's not invited, since on!

Go ahead and confront her then. What do you hope to achieve? Your child still won’t be invited, nor will she be to anyone else’s party once word spreads of your behaviour.

I wouldn’t listen to a 4 year old. If your child hasn’t been invited, then that’s fine. That’s childhood.

Maybe its down to numbers that she wasn't allowed to invite her.

Everyone is giving you the same advice. You have no idea why your daughter was not invited. A 4 year old has said - when talking to your daughter - oh I couldn't. Far easier at 4 then I didn't want you, I forgot you etc. It isn't your daughters version that we are challenging but whether the birthday girl got it quite right.
Of course you can talk to the Mum but we are all suggesting that we don't know what that might achieve. The girls are friends you say so no need to work on that.
Just normalise it for your daughter.

OP just leave it alone and don't confront. It could be for any amount of reasons or just cos the mum isn't nice but no good will come of you asking.

My nearly 7 year old is having a party soon and has invited 9 other people (it is pay per head) out of class of 28. A mix of boys and girls. There may be children she plays with that haven't been invited but we asked her who she wanted over a couple of weeks and these are the kids that she really wanted. It's not because we don't like the other kids but because we couldn't afford to invite everyone.