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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report the engineer that came to my house?

435 replies

Thejewellershands · 19/01/2024 13:34

I am a 31 year old woman, and today a guy came round to my house to fit a new energy meter. I am a very friendly person who likes to be polite so I greeted him and let him in, asked if he would like a drink etc. I was planning on just going upstairs and telling him to shout if he needs me, but he was really chatty so I just stayed in the room and carried on the conversation with him. He was just asking me normal things at first like how long I have lived here, if I have kids etc. I was asking him if he has plans for the weekend. Just normal stuff. I really shouldn’t have done this, because for some reason this gave him some sort of green light to be very very inappropriate.

After he asked me if I have children he started speaking about his own kids. He told me that his first was conceived through an affair. I was a bit taken aback that he told me this, but then it just got worse. He said he hasn’t had sex with his wife for 27 years and has had multiple affairs. He told me all about her intimacy problems. I was feeling uncomfortable but I didn’t know what to say, I was scared because I was in the house alone with him. So I just tried to change the subject. He kept bringing it back to sexual things though. He said that it was on his bucket list to sleep with a woman of a certain race and he achieved this last year through an affair. He told me she was a customer of his, he went to her house and she was a single mother living alone so a few days later he went back to her house unannounced and took her some food shopping to help her out. I am horrified by this. I want to report him.

he made sexist, racist and homophobic comments. After he tad told me a few things he asked me if I had any stories. I said no. So he asked me if I am a nun. I said no obviously not. He said “have you ever wanted to be naughty?” So I said no. I just wanted him out of my house and I was very scared. He said some more things which I won’t mention and eventually I left the room making an excuse that I needed to go and make sure my cat was ok upstairs and I stayed up there until he shouted me. As he was leaving he asked me “would you swipe left or right?” I said “what??” He said “on tinder. For me” I said I don’t know sorry and shut the door in his face. I locked all of the doors and it’s been 30 minutes and he’s still sat outside.

I want to report him but what if he knows it’s me? Am I being reasonable to be scared or am I overreacting? I’m shocked and disgusted and just so upset and wondering if it was something I did or said to make him say all of that. I didn’t bring any of it up I was just trying to be nice. I know people will probably think I brought it on myself or egged it on by staying there but I just wasn’t sure what to do for the best so I was just trying to be polite and go along with him. But for future I really will just be letting people in and going straight upstairs and not engaging in conversation

OP posts:
GRex · 21/01/2024 13:32

Call your local community police and ask them to come out now to move him along. You can write an email copying the above to report as a complaint to his company.

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2024 13:33

I can cope with bloke banter but that's just awful and totally weird

Motherbear44 · 21/01/2024 13:39

I have read the OPs post and also many of the replies. I am 65 but have daughters in their 30s - I would be horrified if this happened to them.

I fully understand the OP not wanting to call out this behavior from the start, but maybe it is time for us to practice. In the same way that self-defense classes try to empower women physically, maybe it is time for us to practice how to respond verbally.

Of course this sort of behavior should be called out and reported. How should we do this? I’m not sure if from the start we should be saying “do you realize that what you are saying is totally inappropriate?” In this case he would have probably come up with the nun comment. I’m not sure what the next comment should be - but we should practice it until we know a script that we can use with confidence.

We have to sound like Supernanny saying “that behavior is not acceptable”

LoobyDop · 21/01/2024 13:41

Just want to reiterate, if he loses his job, it’s not “because of you”. It’s because of his decisions and his actions. You aren’t responsible for them, he is. The fact that he isn’t just a creep who thinks creepy and inappropriate and disrespectful things about women, he’s a creep who is either so arrogant or so out of control that he allows himself to act upon those thoughts, makes him not safe to be in a job that takes him into women’s homes. He should lose his job.

Grandmasubob · 21/01/2024 13:48

@Motherbear44 I totally agree with you! It should be made quite clear that this type of conversation is totally unacceptable. Us women need to put our big girl pants on now and again and take the upper hand. Having said that I would probably have reacted the same way as the OP no doubt for fear of conflict

PrudeyTwoShoes · 21/01/2024 13:53

This is awful!

It's very brave of you to report it. Hopefully his company take it seriously and look into his admission of visiting another woman's house unannounced and sleeping with her (he implies the sex was consensual but who knows?!) It's scary to think these men can come into your house, find out if you live alone etc. and just turn up. 😰

It's great that you have a ring doorbell fitted now. If he turns up on your doorstep you have the footage and can tell him to get lost without having to open the door.

hookiewookie29 · 21/01/2024 14:08

Oh you must report him straight away!
Years ago I had a TV engineer come in. My dog thought everyone was ger friend so I shut her in the kitchen. She would not stop barking. Anyway, this guy come in, was ok for a short while then started asking if I lived alone, was I married etc, did I like to dress up when I went out.....made me feel very uncomfortable. I started to not answer his questions.
During all this the dog never stopped barking, which was unusual for her but I thought it was because there was someone new in the house that she hadn't said hello to.
Anyway, the guy turned round and said " For fucks sake, what's wrong with that dog!! Sounds like a proper yappy little thing". Across the kitchen doorway was a stairgate so we could put the dog in there if we needed to but she could still see us.
I said that actually, she's a Staffy, and he just laughed and said " yeah, right!" I'd had enough of him by then so I left the stairgate closed but opened the kitchen door.
The dog literally launched herself at the stairgate,baring her teeth and barking and snarling at him ( something she never, ever did she obviously didn't like him either) and I said " Shall I let her in?".
He literally picked his stuff up and went. It did shake me up, but I did report him- I wasn't going to let someone make me feel like that in my own home. I don't know what happened to him, but it made me feel better knowing that the company knew what kind of person they'd employed.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 21/01/2024 14:24

I wanted to add that, after reading this, I wondered to myself how I'd be in the situation; what would I say and do? My husband works nights so if asked, 'do you live alone?' my response would be that my DH is asleep upstairs. I actually think this would be a really good lie to use in this situation if you were alone - just thought I'd mention incase this ever happens to anyone and they don't want to appear to be by themselves.

pinkyredrose · 21/01/2024 14:25

MrsChambers40 · 20/01/2024 18:32

You are overreacting. He is clearly lonely and starving for connection. I have had similar experiences and I just go along. They will forget you soon enough. It’s just banter, a bit of excitement in a probably very lonely boring life.

Ffs.

HarrietPoole · 21/01/2024 14:31

MrsChambers40 · 20/01/2024 18:32

You are overreacting. He is clearly lonely and starving for connection. I have had similar experiences and I just go along. They will forget you soon enough. It’s just banter, a bit of excitement in a probably very lonely boring life.

Are you flirting with irony, there? You must be, surely?

Atsocta · 21/01/2024 15:14

Might be worth having someone present if possible next time you have something done, make you feel safer … my daughter always does she hates to be alone with a stranger in the house perhaps I can see why now

DrewHormordr · 21/01/2024 15:23

Disgusting reel. Report!!!🤮

Thejewellershands · 21/01/2024 15:33

He has sent me a text message saying
“Don't forget the trust pilot app 😉 if you haven't filled it in yet” I think he thinks I’m going to text him back and get a conversation going. I have absolutely never had a work man or engineer text me after an appointment. I’ve just blocked him. I’ve also found him on Facebook and blocked him on that in case he looks for me on it

OP posts:
CameltoeParkerBowles · 21/01/2024 15:51

Mybootsare · 19/01/2024 16:13

I have one odd job man I found on gumtree of all places that’s actually turned out to be a gem . I’ve used him for the whole 2 years I’ve been in my flat. I’ve occasionally had an electrician sent round by the HA but they’ve been nice and very professional. When I buy my flat I’m dreading having to use tradesmen and will probably have a friend round where possible.

I won’t do the chatty, make a tea thing except for with my odd job man because I saw so many tradesmen take the piss out of my (single) mum growing up when she did this approach. I’ll have a carton of fruit juice or bottled water on hand to offer but that’s it.
Something about hot drinks breeds a sense of over-familiarity and over-chattiness. And it slows things down.

I just want them to get in, do the job and go back out again. And to be fair, I used to work as a tutor as well as family support worker and this was my mentality when going round to houses.

I wasn’t there to have them faff about making tea for me, obviously a key part of a role like that is developing trust relationships, but still I was there to engage with at risk youth and troubled families and deal with difficult issues . I had very positive results and feedback so my lack of tea drinking didn’t hinder my work.

But anyway just to be clear, OP you did nothing wrong and he was completely inappropriate and wrong when you were just trying to be polite & welcoming . Even if you hadn’t been friendly there’s still a chance a man like this would’ve overstepped. Yes, please do report him.

Edited

I always make tea for tradespeople, and have never found that they have taken it as some sort of signal that I wanted to get more familiar with them. Mind you, I tend to keep any chat restricted to the technicalities of the job.
All of which is irrelevant to the problem here, which is that he was completely out of order. Unless you had actually said to him, "Tell me all about your sex life", he had no business talking to you like that. Revolting pervert. And yes - report it, but delay doing so for a few days if that would make you feel more comfortable.

MyOodieIsAGoooodie · 21/01/2024 16:26

Thejewellershands · 21/01/2024 15:33

He has sent me a text message saying
“Don't forget the trust pilot app 😉 if you haven't filled it in yet” I think he thinks I’m going to text him back and get a conversation going. I have absolutely never had a work man or engineer text me after an appointment. I’ve just blocked him. I’ve also found him on Facebook and blocked him on that in case he looks for me on it

Good lord. This is beyond creepy. Glad you reported, I hate hate hate that we have to deal with things like this. He was beyond inappropriate no matter how friendly you might have been. Grrr.

HarrietPoole · 21/01/2024 16:39

LoobyDop · 21/01/2024 13:41

Just want to reiterate, if he loses his job, it’s not “because of you”. It’s because of his decisions and his actions. You aren’t responsible for them, he is. The fact that he isn’t just a creep who thinks creepy and inappropriate and disrespectful things about women, he’s a creep who is either so arrogant or so out of control that he allows himself to act upon those thoughts, makes him not safe to be in a job that takes him into women’s homes. He should lose his job.

Well said

JoyeuxNarwhal · 21/01/2024 16:47

Thejewellershands · 21/01/2024 15:33

He has sent me a text message saying
“Don't forget the trust pilot app 😉 if you haven't filled it in yet” I think he thinks I’m going to text him back and get a conversation going. I have absolutely never had a work man or engineer text me after an appointment. I’ve just blocked him. I’ve also found him on Facebook and blocked him on that in case he looks for me on it

Well doesn't that just cement the idea that you did absolutely the right thing by reporting him?!

Jack80 · 21/01/2024 17:13

You can anonymously report him to the company

acatcalledjohn · 21/01/2024 17:52

I would leave a trustpilot review.

He won't like it though.

Mywingshurt · 21/01/2024 17:54

Honestly, I'd unblock and let him seal his own fate. He can deny your allegations but he can't unsend texts.

owlsinthedaylight · 21/01/2024 18:03

Mywingshurt · 21/01/2024 17:54

Honestly, I'd unblock and let him seal his own fate. He can deny your allegations but he can't unsend texts.

Yes, this. If you feel strong enough to. Don’t respond to him, but let his texts come through because I’ll bet they escalate beyond TrustPilot and you can use them as proof.

Helen1625 · 21/01/2024 18:45

@Thejewellershands I'm sorry that you've had to endure this creep making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. He was bang out of order.

The one thing that struck me afterwards was reading your additional comment when he said something apparently unconnected.... 'if I don't get this done, I'll lose my job and I'll not be able to work in this industry again.'

It struck me that he's attempting to plant a seed of doubt in your head, an attempt at a veiled threat. He possibly recognised he'd made you feel uncomfortable and perhaps that he'd gone too far and he's somehow trying to make you feel like you can't report him because of the consequences for him.

Fair play to you for being brave and reporting him. Let us know how you get on.

sidebirds · 21/01/2024 18:45

Make sure you screencapture the text. His fate is sealed in that it arrived after you emailed your complaint.

lemmein · 21/01/2024 19:02

Thejewellershands · 21/01/2024 15:33

He has sent me a text message saying
“Don't forget the trust pilot app 😉 if you haven't filled it in yet” I think he thinks I’m going to text him back and get a conversation going. I have absolutely never had a work man or engineer text me after an appointment. I’ve just blocked him. I’ve also found him on Facebook and blocked him on that in case he looks for me on it

It sounds like he's testing the waters, he knows he's upset you!

I'm sorry this happened to you - I had a similar experience years ago. at one point he went to his van then dropped the deadlock when he came back in. I ended up leaving the house and sitting on my doorstep till he left.

I never have workmen in when I'm in on my own anymore.

Disgusting vile creatures!

JMSA · 21/01/2024 19:07

hookiewookie29 · 21/01/2024 14:08

Oh you must report him straight away!
Years ago I had a TV engineer come in. My dog thought everyone was ger friend so I shut her in the kitchen. She would not stop barking. Anyway, this guy come in, was ok for a short while then started asking if I lived alone, was I married etc, did I like to dress up when I went out.....made me feel very uncomfortable. I started to not answer his questions.
During all this the dog never stopped barking, which was unusual for her but I thought it was because there was someone new in the house that she hadn't said hello to.
Anyway, the guy turned round and said " For fucks sake, what's wrong with that dog!! Sounds like a proper yappy little thing". Across the kitchen doorway was a stairgate so we could put the dog in there if we needed to but she could still see us.
I said that actually, she's a Staffy, and he just laughed and said " yeah, right!" I'd had enough of him by then so I left the stairgate closed but opened the kitchen door.
The dog literally launched herself at the stairgate,baring her teeth and barking and snarling at him ( something she never, ever did she obviously didn't like him either) and I said " Shall I let her in?".
He literally picked his stuff up and went. It did shake me up, but I did report him- I wasn't going to let someone make me feel like that in my own home. I don't know what happened to him, but it made me feel better knowing that the company knew what kind of person they'd employed.

Staffies are the best. I'll never forget how protective mine was when I was a teenage girl. She made her unhappiness known to adult men if they got too close to me.
An absolute legend of a dog who hated men .

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