to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

Have you ever met a child?

You actually think they cost next to nothing outside of nursery?
What they dont require new clothes at an alarming rate, no toys, still in nappies likely, you never ever take them anywhere on weekends?
Not even mentioning the larger house, with the associated heating costs, water use, mortgage, etc.

If the mother was child free, she could buy or rent a smaller space just for her. Bet it would cost less than the nursery fees alone.

And yet they're the experts on everything.

They're really starting to get on my nerves. They're crapping all over the place.

OP, this is an excellent question.

If you're not trolling but genuinely want opinions on situation, try to imagine and honestly answer this. Your brother has £10 extra per day to cover everything related to your niece, and is a solo parent to her as well.

He's late to collect her from the nursery? £10 lateness fee, and he's in the red for the day.

D&V episode, and the nursery excludes her for 48 hours? Very sad, very sad, the emergency nanny starts at £150 / day. Alternatively, your brother's patients don't get their surgeries (substitute with whatever his profession is).

He wants to go and watch football with mates? £40 in babysitter cost to cover the match time, getting there and back. No-no to a pint after, the clock is ticking.

A smoothie and a sandwich in the softplay? £10.

Invited to a birthday party? Another £10.

Grew out of her car seat or buggy? £300 boom, that's the months budget gone.

Something seems wrong with her teeth as they start growing? The NHS dentist will see her when she's 45. Or £150 a visit for a private one.

And ALL of the above will be only his problems to organise, pay and follow through.

Well it a good job her other parent is available to parent all the time rather than just when she can, otherwise your niece would be in care.

So how often is your 'brother' actually seeing her then?

I got as far as "He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work."

You see, I have a child I am responsible for. I can't just decide not to take that option and put work above that.
My professional life has suffered due to me being a lone parent and unable to travel to conferences where I would further my career (nb it's not essential, i.e. I am fulfilling the requirements of my contract).

You see that a lot - 'they had no choice'. Of course they did.

^^ This, your brothers ex is the only thing keeping your niece out of care, and bar a day here and there 'where he can' the only one caring for and raising your niece. Your disdain for her wanting your brother to pay a fair amount towards her upkeep (because CMS isn't anywhere near even half the cost of raising a child) is pretty grim.

I agree with the way @Frostyloz did the maths. The mum ends up with £4400 pcm and DB ends up with £2600 pcm. Financially that exceeds his legal obligation and seems okay, esp given his London expenses. (Not great, but okay)

I agree the mum is really after a commitment from her DD’s father. The situation is complex with many unknowns: does DB work Sat mornings, or have a lie-in? Why exactly did he need to move to London for work? There are professions where the move would be almost a necessity, but perhaps he is missing some options?

I think DB and his ex would be well advised to go to mediation and work out something structured in their DD’s best interests that they can both live with.

What would be better is if the morally bankrupt fucker looked after his child 50% of the time, then he could actually keep all his money, and the mom would get a break.

Far better than moving so far away he can only parent ‘when he can’ 🙄

Exactly. Very good post.

Support your niece by telling your brother to step up and be an actual parent

Why would he need to do any of these far-fetched things?

He lived and worked there when he was in the relationship.

Mom still lives and works/earns well there, as he did.

He could be there for his child and remain employed, just as mom has 🤦🏾‍♀️.

The maths was ok based on what OP said.

However if CMS is calculated as £750 then the OP is wrong about his earnings and take home pay. To be required to pay £750 the ex must be earning about £87,000 which would result in take home pay of £5,000 per month so he has £4,100 to live on

YABU. If my maths are right, your brother takes home around 3.5k a month so he’s not exactly poor. £900 a month isn’t much to hand over given that his ex does the vast, vast majority of parenting. Especially given the childcare costs!

Oh sorry, didn’t RTFT. Agree with @poetryandwine

If ex has a job where promotions include travel or weekend work then she may be turning down opportunities to earn more. Your brother only sees his daughter “when he can” so may be able to accept better jobs because his ex does the childcare.
Mum may be paying higher than average mortgage/rent because good schools are a consideration.

It’s strange that your brother is anxious about travel but lives so far away. I would have expected someone in his shoes to live somewhere much closer.

Oh dear...

This

He may have had good reason to leave her, but he left his child, too.

And nursery bills are insane. Most couples split them according to income; he's expecting her to use all of the child support money essentially to cover it leaving nothing left over to support the child's other needs. All while only seeing her 'when he can' which is very vague, and probably not often.

It's also none of your business. He needs to put his child first, not himself.

I find it so strange that the OP only wants the bare minimum for her niece. I can't understand families like that. Imagine supporting your brother to believe that his child should have zero input from him in terms of care and the bare minimum in terms of money. It's just lousy.

Very true. And if the OP hasn’t bothered working out that a £750 CMS amount puts him on almost £90,000.00 a year, and still thinks he’s hard done by, then she’s not so green as cabbage like. Although I note the dripping in of ‘very good reasons’ he left - as if that would make any difference to how much he should be supporting his child.

As I said, he had good reason to leave her

Did he also have "good reason" to abandon his child?

The breakdown of their relationship is entirely irrelevant, OP.
The needs of the child are not currently being met by her deadbeat dad.

I agree with the ex. And I don't care why they split up. As I say, it's irrelevant.

Why? CMS is the bare minimum. He’s on almost GBP90,000 a year. He’s a deadbeat.

It is about his time not the money.

If he was there on Friday after work until Monday consistently then the child's mother wouldn't be asking for babysitter money.

Exactly!
He goes when he can, it means he doesn’t go when he can’t? sure!
what if she can’t! That can’t happen, can it?

@MandyMotherOfBrian I learn something new on MN all the time. Never heard this saying before- , then she’s not so green as cabbage like.