to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

He's your brother so it's understandable that you're on his side but I think I would take pretty much everything he says with a pinch of salt.

£1200 for full time childcare seems pretty low. But okay, perhaps.

Putting that aside - ou think it only costs £300 or less per month for a one year old? What planet are you on?

For a start, she needs a two bedroom flat/house - no house shares or one room apartments. Which comes with additional rent but also more council tax, more heating, more gas etc etc etc.

Nappes, wipes, clothes, food etc etc et - relentless at this age.

What about any extras? if she wants a night out - what is the baby sitting cost? Around here, you're looking at minimum £11 per hour. MINIMUM. So either she doesn't spend the money but also never gets to go out.

He says he goes up when he can? What does that actually look like? Because I'm guessing it's not every week. And when he's there, is he ever taking the child over night? Or is it all at her house and if she's really lucky he takes the baby to the park for an hour?! So she gets no break ever unless she's able and willing to pay wifor it.

As for the £4500 per month... yeah, I think that his theory now hat she earns is as likely to be confused as the two of you are about the cost of childcare, rent, food, nappies, babysitters and more.

If he's genuinely paying more than the CMS amount then no, he doesn't have to give more money. But he needs to stop trying to pretend he's this great dad and man who is genuinely doing everything he can.

I mean his daughter/ your niece

I never fail to balk at the number of people who think a bloke should pay the bare minimum CMS advise. Why shouldn’t the mother and child have an equitable, if not higher, standard of living when compared to the father?

I agree with @JadziaD that childcare at £1200 sounds low. With the salary you’re claiming and has, it sounds like she’s full time. Maybe that number already accounts for her tax relief. But if it’s lower because she’s part time - then he’s getting away with having a lower childcare with all the potential negative career impact on her. Plus her actual loss of earnings. And if it’s lower because her family help? Again, he benefits because she’s sorting something out - which possibly uses up her “favours credit”.
So much more to this morally than, “how much is his half of a packet of nappies”.

£900pcm to buy bed&board, a full-time nanny, and a full-time housekeeper and chauffeur, for his daughter? What a saving!

I wish the ex was reading this so she could see the comments- including this one: things will get better, even though you might feel trapped right now.

Also, there's a good chance your daughter will grow up to think daddy's a bit of an arse (though she'll still love him, because that's human nature). So there's that.

What about the fact that if mum didn’t have a child she could live somewhere with 1 bedroom, but because she has a child she needs 2 bedrooms, so housing costs are higher. He needs to cover 50% of the cost of the difference between a 1bed and a 2 bed home.

Why do people seem to think a child just costs food and clothes.

I genuinely think that they don't realise that their attitude is that that men should really be able to pick up where they left off when their relationships break up and they have no responsibility, morally or legally, to do more than make sure there's a bare crust of bread for a child. All the real responsibility must lie with the mother and she really shouldn't expect any kind of a life of her own if it causes any kind of disruption for the man.

If it not for her bearing the brunt of parenting he would not have been able to get a job 2 hours away. She is solo parenting, seeing child during day on a Sunday or part of Saturday isn’t stepping up and that’s not every weekend. Poor woman must be knackered.

What does he need that money for? To go out and do all the nice things on his evenings off which the mother can't do? What does she need the money for- to make sure her daughter has everything she could possibly need, as well as a well rested mum. I think I know where I'd want the majority of his disposable income to go- the same way the mother's would.

It must have been a very ' good reason' to leave a 1 year old

She also has to live in a house that is heated, her clothes need to be washed, her bedroom light switches on, she needs to be driven to and from nursery, she needs a TV you o watch and probably kids tv subscriptions. She may have swimming lessons.

you just sound jealous and unreasonable.

I wonder if it would be possible to do some remote working ? Does he have the type of job where he could do this - just thinking that may be he could
A. Move out of London so it is cheaper
B move a little bit nearer his daughter even if it gives him a longer commute daily to work it would make his commute easier at the weekend if he can't wfh
If he can't remote work - then maybe he try to make his hours more flexi - to give himself a long weekend ?
Or even use some annual leave to give himself an extra day for travel - an adult with Asd doesn't always look at all options that might be available without a little bit of guidance - hence he will stick to a familiar routine even if it no longer works for him maybe you could suggest different working/ or moving home options to him that might enable him to spend more time with his daughter ?

He could think of all of these things for himself if he actually wanted to do any of them. What he wants is to have the job and life he wants, see the child if and when it suits, minimise his financial commitment to the child and also be seen as the victim of his ex who has mercilessly schemed to be the 24/7 carer for their mutual child.

So say they both work Monday to Friday full time. Say 8 to 6 including commute. What does he do in the evenings? I'm guessing she does bath and bedtime and other child related stuff.
I'm guessing he has down time every single night.
When is her down time? When can she put her feet up with a cup of tea or glass of wine? Or see a friend?
I don't know if I've missed where they live but London is not the only place where there are jobs. We don't live anywhere near London and i don't know anyone who wants to work and can't find work.

He may have had reason to leave her but he chose to move away from his child.

Brother should have thought about that before impregnating her then? If he’s unhappy with it, tell him to take it to court and let them set the allowance.

my uncle was in a similar position. He gave his ex 3X what the court would have recommended but ‘greedy’ ex wanted more and so he decided to go to court. She ended up with less…

I think if he was giving the amount Cms worked out -the £750 a month then she would be quite right to ask for £ 30 more - but if he is giving her £ 900 then can't see why she needs this -
Also if he is seeing child at weekend anyway why does she need a babysitter on the Saturday? - I am assuming this is because he doesn't get up there until the afternoon ? Who does she plan to have as a babysitter on a Saturday morning ?
For £30 - it's sounds like a job for a teenager maybe I don't think she would get many people interested in a job like this unless it is family ?

There's a very useful word in this situation and it's 'no'.

Does this not depend on the kind of job you have ?

Only if you prioritise salary and career ladder. Only if you're not the default parent
Mum can't exactly say yes to working any hours and be at home when she can!

Well, he didn't have to move to London for work, did he? Was there literally no other job to be found closer? Was there a gun to his head?

Sure, there may be a particular career opportunity that he would have to be in London to take advantage of. But that's not the same as having to, that's wanting to. He has decided his career/money is more important to him than parenting his daughter. Pretending this was forced upon him will fool no one, least of all his daughter.

And you keep repeating that he had good reasons to leave his ex. Okay, but what's that got to do with his relationship and contact with his daughter?

Food? Formula? Nappies? Clothes? Shoes? Home with a garden and extra bedroom? Bed / cot? Activities? I seem to recall nappies alone costing several £££ a day and that was a decade ago!

Why should he pay all the nursery fees? Surely she's responsible for half?

exactly, plus all the associated costs of having a child live with you full time.

does he want a medal for paying what he does? It’s only 150 over what CMS would stipulate and what does 150 cover these days!! It’s an extra fiver a day roughly.

yet he gets to live the high life, no worries or responsibilities aside from himself, turn up when he wants if he wants.

Doesn’t matter what she is earning. Doesn’t matter the reason they split up. He should be prioritising the child and clearly that’s bottom of his list.

what a waste of space and OP, you need to stay out of it because you’re just enabling his behaviour.

imagine if a mum decided to move miles away and turn up if and when she “could”.

Absolutely ridiculous that anyone would even entertain the thought that he’s being hard done to.

Jeez.

Looking at it sensibly, he pays half the nursery feels plus £300 actual maintenance. Calling it 3/4 of the nursery and £0 towards her actual up keep actually makes it sound even worse!