to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

Have you actually read the thread?

He should want to put his niece first - spend a proper amount of time looking after her AND pay a real contribution to her needs - so both half of the childcare to allow both parents to work, and half of the rest of her costs.

Hi OP.

Did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?

To respond to someone, click on the three dots and select Quote.

If you're clicking the Reply button, be aware that it does nothing at all, and you end up with a series of posts which are out of context, and which make your thread difficult to follow.

OP I think you maths is wrong.

Recommend child maintenance of £750 means he is on about £87000 yearly income. Take home pay on that is around £4850 a month? So he's got close to £4K left for his own bills and luxuries each month after paying his £900 to ex.

You said including his £900 ex had about £4,400 a month and from this she is paying full time nursery fees and supporting the child. With no time off or support from the child father.....

Or you know he could put his daughter first and actually realise he's doing fuck all parenting and his 'contribution' is ridiculous.

He comes across as not giving a crap about his daughter to be honest.

He shouldn’t be paying half of the exact to-the-penny cost of the child though. He should be compensating her for the fact that almost all of her time is spent raising his child alone.

How come he just had to move 2 hours away to secure work, when he presumably had work near to his child before?

It doesn’t even sound like he’s having his child overnight! Just during the day on Sunday?

“He comes back every weekend he can to see her.”

And what’s this? Every weekend he can? So, not every weekend, only the ones he wants to.

I think it was disingenuous of you to post the big £900 number, and push that it was more than CMS - but had to have another poster get it out of you that childcare is £1200.

Just because many absent parents get away with paying far less, doesn’t mean he’s paying an unreasonably high amount.

Sounds like his ex is making less of a point about money, and more that he is isn’t making it a priority to see his child.

He’s not being unreasonable to refuse as CMS is calculated on the amount of time he has DC. However I agree that he is a bit of a deadbeat dad. Left mum and moved hours away from his 1 year old. There are jobs elsewhere not only in London.

He is meeting his legal obligations, but not his moral obligations.

it is extremely unlikely that he couldn’t find gainful employment near his child. Moving away from a child is a big deal. he isn’t doing any real parenting. His child may not notice know, but if he wants a good relationship going forward, he should think about relocating.

that cms allows NRP to get away without paying half of nursery fees on top of maintenance is a disgrace. Yes, he is paying something which is far better than most NRP, but he still isn’t paying his full share.

He visits 'every weekend he can' so not even every weekend. He could have got a job nearer. She has the practical, physical and financial load to bear. He might have had good reasons for leaving his ex-partner, but not for leaving his child.

If the CMS (the legal minimum payable) is saying he should be paying GBP750.00 a month, then he’s not earning the same as the Mum. He’s earning a lot more. Approx £90,000.00pa

Excellent post. Men can get away with not seeing their kids much or even moving away "because of work" and that's seen as perfectly reasonable. But women seem to be able to work full time, organise childcare accordingly, and often earn more than the men!

Is he working 6 days a week though? Why can't be go up after work on Friday so he can have his child for the entire weekend?

I live in the middle of nowhere and work in London. I was, at one point, doing a London commute 3 days a week, 6 hours a day (3 hours door to door each way), and I did it while having 2 young children and still being a parent. If he doesn't even have his child all week, surely he can get on a train by 6pm or whatever on a Friday, be there by 9pm on Friday, go to bed, get up early and go get his dd first thing and have her all weekend, drop her off 6pm on Sunday, train home and then back by 9-10pm to get to bed for work on Monday.

That's not much travel once a week and for someone with no other responsibilities, surely should be pretty easy to manage. When I was doing it, I was getting home at 7-8pm several nights a week and then still doing bath and bedtime with two small children, before going to bed and getting up at 6am to do it again.

She contributes less?!! OMFG!

Her entire life, work, lifestyle, free time, every single bed time revolves around her child's needs.

Because her Dad fucked off a few hours away and only visits, ' when he can'.

Or he could move back to where the DD lives, have no job or a very poorly paying one and let the kid live in poverty.

Or is he supposed to move back, be a SAHP and allow the mother to work and reap in the money while he lives on UC?

😂😂😂

This.

He must have had a job when he still lived with the baby's mother, so presumably there are suitable jobs available.

Nobody has suggested that he should claim universal credit. You've made that bit up.

Are you close to your niece? Could you take her for the day on a Saturday maybe if you're not wanting your brother to pay out more?

Why would he have to be a SAHP? He can arrange childcare while working, like his ex does, while she moves several hours away to live and work as if she has no child and come up to see the child when she can.

Tell me you've never been responsible for sorting out childcare as a working parent without telling me...

Yeah, why not?
Only he wouldn’t have to live on UC, he could work full time in a different job. The mother manages it apparently. Though if you’re saying he’s far less adequate than the mother, then I agree with you. That is what you’re saying isn’t it?

He obviously had a job at one point and yes actually in this situation I'm sure his ex would think it preferable if he earnt less and saw his child more. The child isn't going to be living in poverty even if he doesn't contribute because fortunately she has a mother who puts her first.

MRA ploppers probably don’t do a lot of childcare tbf…

Your brother shouldn’t have moved away. I can’t imagine moving that far away even if it was for work I’d just take a lower paid job to be able to see my child more regularly.

Surely he'd just go through cms & spend the extra hiring his own person to take his child out a couple of weekends a month if he can't visit as that would create happier memorys (£200+) then full time mum who needs a break ?

Taking a job and moving in London or nearby is fine if you have no commitments but he does have commitments and would be better off being near to his child in a lower paid job so that he can coparent and he wouldn't have to pay her as much and she wouldn't need to fork out for childcare as much as he would be present in the child's life by living nearby.

Let’s be honest, he’s left his partner and he’s left his child. He’s not particularly interested in either of them. He’s paying something because he has to. Are you sure he hasn’t also inflated how much he pays to you, to make himself look better?
It’s really sad. Gets there late Saturday. Sees his daughter ‘if he can’. I hope one day, his daughter is there for him as much as he’s been there for her.

Given that other posters have explained that OP is wrong on the maths, I’d take his claim to be paying for than CMS with a pinch of salt.