to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

You're kidding right?? Do you have kids?

Obviously niece isn’t costing much outside that at the moment.

eh?

No, nappies, food, heating, electricity, constantly outgrowing clothes, shoes, coats etc is mere pennies.

you need to wind your neck in OP.

1200 for full-time childcare? Where do they live? 2010?

He's either paying 75% of nursery costs and absolutely nothing towards her housing, heating, food and clothes. Etc etc

Or he's not actually paying 75%.

I mean it leaves her paying 300 for nursery and then 300 towards niece’s costs? So she’s still contributing less overall that my brother which I agree should be the case given she is with her all the time and he is not.

Starting to think this is a wind up.

Do you have children of your own??

Personally I found them really pretty expensive - or does the child live in a box on her bedroom floor?

That also completely ignores the cost, effort and stress involved in being a solo parent.

Your update is even worse.

He gets anxious about travel.

Yep to chose to move hundreds of miles away from his child.

He really has abandoned his child.

Also, what does he do with the child when he has her. Does he actually have a place to take her to? Does he have sole responsibility? Or does he just hang around his ex partner place.

It is completely irrelevant what she did. Clearly not criminal.
He is a father.
He needs to act like one

Yes it’s 1,200 a month for full time childcare Monday to Friday. I assume she gets tax relief but haven’t asked that part!

I bloody hope so. Otherwise I'd quite like to meet the OPs parents and have a chat about what went so wrong with both of their kids for them to think this women is in the wrong!

I think you’re right

You’re having a laugh, children are expensive, she’s also doing everything for her while your brother does nothing.
as travel is a problem for him he should move closer to them and actually do some of the parenting.

I don’t think 300 a month for a child outside nursery is too little? Maybe I am old!!! 75 a week for food and clothes and going to a soft play or somewhere?

Agree. It's the 'not costing much' that did it. Blew your beans there mate!

Doesn't the child also need somewhere to live? That needs to be heated?

You sound like a right family of deadbeats to be honest. Hope the poor woman has more success in her future relationships.

You do realise that your niece doesn't just cost the day to day expenses like food and nappies, right?

It's replacing the cot when she's big enough for a bed. Buying a new set of clothes every six months. Buying new shoes and wellies every couple of months. Christmas and birthday presents. A new car seat when she's bigger. An extra person to feed when they go out to eat or on holiday. And that's before you take into account the extra expense her mother incurs on having a large enough property, the bills on a larger home, running a car to do activities.

Yes, you can buy everything second hand and never do any paid days out or activities. Her mother can ration the heating and food and how often they use the car. But your brother should want to provide enough that his daughter doesn't have to live like that.

It’s a shame these shitty dads can’t be made to look after their kids full time for a while and the mum turns up ‘when she can’ just so they understand how it is. It’s not just about money, it’s the responsibility and having to do everything, all the time.

You're right, of course, there probably wasn't a single job between his daughter and the hundreds of miles away where he lives now so he could do his fair share of parenting 🤔

On her salary she won't get any government help with the cost, and even if she did, it would be netted off the total cost. £1200 for full time childcare for a one year old seems very cheap too - around here you'd be looking at £2K minimum.

To provide a reference point, £300 extra will cover about two sick days of emergency nanny childcare, if your niece is ill and her mother needs to go to work, to, you know, preserve your niece's quality of life. With small children, it is not a few extra chips and an apple a day in food cost that break the bank.

Your brother really needs to count his lucky stars that his ex-partner earns quite well in a full-time job as a solo mother of a toddler, and has enough mental bandwidth and energy in addition to WANT to go out and live her life as well. You said you're a single mother yourself, so surely you must remember how it feels? Can you imagine how awful the situation would have been had she worked a minimum wage job, unable to make ends meet with the childcare costs, isolated and exhausted with looking after her daughter in addition to that.

Presumably you are are also concerned with your niece's wellbeing, so should be supportive of the current situation.

It reads like the ex problem is his lack of time for his child and the expectation she will just do everything. Asking for money for a babysitter is because she needs a break from doing everything and by the sounds of it your DB is unreliable.

It doesn't matter what the ex did. He has moved away and abandoned his child. No child should be punished like this because the dad thinks the mum did wrong.

Also £1200 for full time nursery seems low? Like really really low.

Yes it’s a good job she doesn’t need a roof over her head, for that home to be warm, food to be cooked, a bed/ cot to sleep in , any furniture for her things, car seats, to be driven anywhere etc

Lucky the ex magically had everything else appear out of thin air except “food clothes and going to soft play”

That's unacceptable. He actually IS a deadbeat dad, barely seeing his child. His ex has no option to say "depending on work" because she has to put the child first.

The mother of your brother's child does almost all of the childcare and parenting.

I think her request for a babysitter is reasonable.

Would you be saying he has a good deal if tommorow she ups sticks, leaves brother to look after his child full time and pays him £900 per month?

He needs to take it to CSA and pay her the 750 and nothing more. Reward her greed with fuck all.