to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

I may be wrong but I think people are misunderstanding the sums here. I read it as they make the same after tax - £3,500. He gives her £900 so he’s got £2,600 and she’s got £4,400. She then pays for childcare so she’s got £3,200.

I don't think this thread is turning out the way OP imagined it would...

Financially he’s providing, which is good.

The mum can easily live off that money.

But he’s not parenting his child in any way.

It sounds like a grandparent or family friend who just visits the child - that’s very different than being a parent.

He did not have to move several hours away, that was his choice.

He should be driving up on a Friday evening and staying in a nearby hotel and having the child until Sunday.

He should also be having the child during half of the school holidays at his home.

So his contribution doesn't even cover the childcare bill, she's doing majority of the parenting, his visits are "when he can".
It's good he is making some form of contribution, but let's not pretend he's father of the year here.
You clearly don't like the ex, fair enough, but this isn't your business.

This, absolutely. Plus shes working full time I assume, in order to house, feed and clothe her daughter, which will mean huge wrap around childcare costs, no life or time for herself, plus all the parental guilt of working ft and being constantly knackered. And then your brother swans it When it suits him and gets the fun weekend time with his child.

Depending on where she lives £900 is not an unreasonable amount at all for full time care of a child on top of full time work. And its widely regarded that the CMS amounts are woefully out of date and insufficient and a MINIMUM figure.

If someone was looking after my kids whilst I opted to live miles away and turn up when it suited me I’d be paying them every penny I could.

And needs to provide a warm house with extra space for DD, all clothes, food, activities, childcare outside of nursery etc etc etc.

He comes back every weekend he can to see her.

How often is this? Is he reliable? Is he consistent?

So he left his partner about the time her maternity leave was ending (I’m guessing he didn’t do shared parental leave based on his current behaviour). You think they earn about the same, yet he is not constrained by looking after a child / nursery drop offs and pick ups during the working week and he also works in London where salaries and career opportunities are generally better. Why did he have to move to London, was he unemployed? Why couldn’t he prioritise his baby when considering career opportunities?

I’m most intrigued by the when he can - why can’t he travel back after work on Friday evening at least every second week to spend time with his child for the whole weekend?

Another woman with internalised misogyny.

I read it like you too.
The title is that ex should be able to live off £4400 which others have pointed out isn’t ex’s gripe. It sounds like she’s after a father who turns up consistently which isn’t a financial matter. Ex isn’t unreasonable to want to be able to plan some child-free time because she’s working when her child is in childcare and won’t want to let down people that she wants to make plans with.

I wish the rules changed so that both parents need to be responsible for parenting. Having children overnight, doing the school run, leaving work when child is sick.

Essentially men, like your brother, are paying for the luxury of not having to do things like the above. Society needs to sit up and start expecting more from men as regards parenting and childcare - it might just help fix the birth rate problem.

So, imo, your brother is getting off lightly here. He actually needs to step up and start being a father.

I didn’t make any comment about the validity of it? I was just stating the facts (at least as I’ve interpreted them).

So he's not paying £900 in child support, is he. He's paying £600 as his share of childcare costs, and £300 in child support. Approx £10 per day. The father of the year, indeed.

Well personally, if I had a brother who involved me in this ( as yours seems to have done) I’d be telling him to find a job closer to his child. It doesn’t matter if it is one that earns a lot less money. Given the options between £200 maintenance and an involved parent on a daily basis and £900 with minimal input, I know which I’d choose for my child.

This really.

I think it’s on him to go a little bit “over and above” money-wise because he’s doing so much less than he should time wise.

If she’s earning the same as him, she must be working a pretty full-time job around her child, and paying through the nose for childcare to do so.

Why can’t he get there early on a Saturday to do something more approaching his share?

Alternatively, there must be jobs near where the family originally lived, and where the ex and Dd still live. Could he not have got ANY job nearby to allow him to take a proper part in raising his child? Or is it just that this job is more lucrative- so therefore ex is massively subbing his ability to earn more, but dealing with the childcare all week.

Tbh £30 a week seems very little extra to cover what should be part of his time so that ex can keep her life together. And £900 PCm isnt a “huge amount” for a child in nursery.

Also your attitude that of course bro should be free to chase more lucrative work and only got his child in around it, but ex should be limited to what she can “live off” sucks.

£1200 for nursery is a big wedge!

@Nonomono Mom is not ‘easily living off’ the £900 though, as it’s only 3/4 off the childcare bill. She pays the 4th quarter plus all other child related costs, holds down a full-time job and does at least 90% daylight / 100% overnight care.

Getting there "when he can" really isn't good for the child or consistent. He sounds flakey and I suspect there's more to this e.g. he goes out the night before. He might not be telling you that bit. Even still if he's doing weekends childcare he needs to book weekends off or get another job.

What about when the child is sick? The mum is probably exhausted.

The Mum needs consistency so she can plan her time e.g. shopping laundry, everything you can't do with a 1 year old whilst he's living like a bachelor. Sorry but I think you're being really harsh to his ex, and are probably not helping the situation.

Your brother sounds like an absolute joke to be honest and I'm not surprised the mother needs a babysitter so she can get some time to herself for life admin etc.

I hope you are ashamed of the way he's acting and I hope you have told him so

”buggered off” to secure work 🙄

I appreciate I am coming from his perspective. I guess he does need to do more. He is definitely not going out at weekends etc as a poster suggested, he gets very anxious about travel and so on, he has ASD. I will encourage him to do more if he raises it with me again. Thanks for input.

Not your business. Support your brother by all means but stay out of her finances.

To be honest even this post makes him sound like a shit father. Why does he need to be encouraged to do more does he not want to see his daughter??

She's not wrong really. He IS a deadbeat. Pays less than half the childcare bill and sees his child for one day a week "when he can". Good job the poor child has a mother who hasn't fucked off isn't it?

He is paying 75% of nursery cost and his ex pays the rest. Obviously niece isn’t costing much outside that at the moment.