to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

Nah, not neglecting responsibilities at all seeing his child some weekends when it suits. 1 years olds are totally capable of holding the fort whilst Dad is 200 miles away. Have you never seen Matilda? I'm sure she's capable of making herself pancakes and walking to the library.

Really if he can’t help out with childcare physically (so they can both work) he should be paying half the costs. Which is £600 and maintenance separately to this. So £1350.

He is lucky she hasn’t enforced that. If it went to court she could ask for that and likely get it, I know I did.

Currently she’s using the entirety of the maintenance on childcare and covering the rest of the child’s costs herself. Not to mention doing all the grunt work that comes with being a lone parent. And all he does is sees the child ‘when he can’ on a weekend.

I can understand her frustration. Especially as she’s working full time as well as doing everything else.

For those saying full time nursery has to be more than £1200. I'm in the east midlands and our nursery is £1250 a month full time.

My ex earns more than that, we have 2 kids he lives a mile away, never has them overnight. I would say pay via cms and put the rest into savings. Is an extra £30 a week going to make a signigicant difference?

Does that answer your question OP?

Not that it's any of your business.

100% - She is a cheeky fekker.

Some people have set the bar on the fucking floor!
Yes the mum's income probably could just about cover her costs and the kid's costs... But why the fuck should it when this loser man is 50% of the parents. She's doing all of the parenting, why on earth would you suggest she should cover all the costs of that too. He should be paying more than the bare minimum that CMS suggests, because he is doing the bare minimum when it comes to raising the kid
He is doing sod all actual parenting, just visiting 'when he can'. That's not being a dad, that's being an occasional visitor and yes, a deadbeat. That anyone would begrudge the resident parent an additional £30 to cover their own shortfalls in terms of being there reliably for their kid is shameful.

Is she heck. She's doing 90% of the parenting while he swans around all week doing what he wants.

Actually he IS responsible for doing half the parenting of his child which he is NOT doing.

Just because you're happy to accept less doesn't mean everyone else should.

Again, just because you've accepted the bare minimum doesn't mean everyone should. Good for her for actually standing up for herself. My ex isn't involved at all with our DS, that doesn't mean I begrudge others going after what they should do.

Absent there being an excellent reason (and there are some excellent reasons), I will never understand why people choose to move hours away from their children (or their children hours away from their other parent). I can’t see that OP has given any such reason why her brother moved away and isn’t around to help to parent his daughter. If it weren’t for home moving away, I’d be with her but (again subject to there being a brilliant reason) he’s a total dick for moving away and leaving her holding the baby.

he gets there “when he can” - the mother doesn’t have the choice to get her child “when she can”, she has to be there and everything else has to give way. Deadbeat is maybe too far, but he isn’t father of the year, is he?

Oh God this is depressing. Why do people have such low standards and expectations of men?

As others have said if he had to pay for the child full time he would have the childcare costs, plus any additional babysitting, the cost of an additional bedroom, more heating; more electricity, food, nappies, medicine, toys, books, swimming lessons, birthday parties, car seats, buggies, baby milk, shoes, baby proofing, petrol, clothes, etc etc. his sister wouldn’t be arguing for the minimum payment in this case! She wouldn’t be saying babies don’t cost anything to keep or clothe!!!!

the child should also have a lifestyle commensurate either both parents earnings and lifestyles.

advising men to pay the minimum and taking the attitude that women should be happy with this really stinks.

In this case it’s the mum that gets the call to leave work every time the baby has a temperature - it’s the mum who has to manage her work hours around childcare, it’s the mum who has to stay in the area and can’t move at the drop of a hat for a better job.

this dad shows up when he can - he isn’t reliable and he isn’t parenting. He sounds like a ware of space.

Well for those who wonder why society supports men to be thoroughly inadequate parents, this thread is how.

Yep utterly depressing on a parenting forum to see women queuing up to justify yet another deadbeat opting out of parenting his child. OP you should be embarrassed of your brother.

He might be meeting his financial responsibilities but he is neglecting to do any actual parenting. I have no idea why men get away with just walking away from their parental responsibilities when they break up with their child's mother. It's incredibly rare for women to do it, and they get ripped apart when they do.

That wouldn’t even cover full time nursery for one child where I am. Plus, it’s not a race to the bottom. As stated before, after his half of the nursery costs he is paying £300 a month towards feeding, housing and clothing the child, whilst doing none of the parenting. The mother is not the problem here.

Absolutely not. He’s paying excess already.

Agree 100%

I would say £4400 is enough money to pay for a sitter herself yes, but from her point of view I would resent your brother thinking he is doing enough because he pays a decent amount.

Regardless of the reasons they broke up he decided to move away and spend less time with his daughter. If he wanted to be around he could have taken another job… if it meant temporarily doing a different job to stay close that would be what I would have done personally

Why should he pay all the nursery fees? If she's working all week why doesn't she want to spend Saturday morning with her child ?

Wait hold up ... 900 a month which would be half towards nursery please remember they made a child together not just him 🙈 so 300 a month for everything else the only thing I see wrong here is he doesn't have her and hardly spends any time with her which is the major thing here ... mum's need a break I have two children one I get nothing for and no contact and my youngest I get £25 a week for and no contact either I would be very happy with just the break. I would tell him to say no to the extra money but maybe think about work and getting abit more time of to spend with his daughter x

Let the CMS sort it out. She can manage on the 750 they assess.

Tell him to tell her to contact cms and they will sort the correct figure. But you really shouldnt be getting involved...

So taking the childcare bill and splitting it, he's giving £300 a month after that. To cover everything else a child needs

Its not that much.

And actually, time is precious, and she gets very little of it.