to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

Sorry but 900x 2 £1800 for one child? More than enough and having solo care of 1 child isnt difficult. I had 4 with very little support and minimal maintenance. He might not see his child as much as he could but hes paying over and above. If mam wants to go out and lets face it thats the only reason to get a babysitter, you dont need a babysitter to catch up on home stuff, she should pay. If shes had young child in childcare all week maybe she should stay with her on a saturday

Do you actually know that "he had good reason to leave her" or are you another one of them families who take his word for everything and don't get the other side of the story?
I'd say if it was a different way round and say she was your sister and he'd done what he did Ie left her holding the baby...moved away and sees the child when he can .. then your perspective would be very much the opposite.....

It's none of your business and you don't know the truth only what your brother told you. Get on with your own life 🤷‍♀️

Of course its dependant on number of children. Number of kids AND income. 3 kids is 19% of your net. Also nights spent with other parent.

My Ex has a very well paid job and I take £250 a month, £900 is an awful lot. I'd make a formal arrangement via CSA.

I put YANBU as your brother is contributing more than he legally needs to, but in terms of your brother’s attitude to having a child, it stinks! I don’t care why they split up as a couple, he isn’t taking ownership of the fact he is a father.

the last year it so there have been tonns of jobs available across the country. I simply don’t believe he can get a high earning job in London & can’t get a decent job near his family. I also don’t believe he can’t be there more at the weekends because of his job. Does he really work 6 days a week? Does he stay at his ex’s house when he does bother to visit his kid?

just to put this in perspective, my DD’s Gran (my DM) wants to see her all the time but has committed to having her one day a week no matter what. DD’s Gran is taking more parental responsibility for my DD than your DB is taking for his own DC.

Surely as his sister & his DC’s Aunt you should be having a word with him about how he needs to step up as a parent, and highlight all the wonderful things he is missing out on. He is a big boy with a big salary & should be able to sort out his own finances.

Because she screamed down the phone at him if he goes anywhere near a solicitor he wouldn't see his children again. She was abusive, physically, financially and emotionally. Some women are. Not all are sweetness and light. I witnessed her abuse myself.

The maths is wonky.

He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month.

CMS would be 20% of gross salary for one child. £750 a month indicates gross salary if £45k per year. Take home on that is £2885 per month if no pension contributions.

If mum makes the same then £2885 + £900 is £3785 maximum.

Are you starting to get that the real problem is your brother, @frimscratxh ?

My advise would be he first make a c100 application to the court to have his contact with his daughter secured. However he will have to commit to the days and times that are agreed upon in the hearing. Contact is ultimately the only power she has and if he starts rocking the financial boat, she might use her power. Once his contact is court ordered he can simply tell her she has two options accept the £900 or he goes to the CMS and it gets dropped to 750, and he can choose to pay through them so thats another 4-6% taken out of the 750 before she gets it.
However if she is struggling to look after his child alone, then he should think about that. It's all good and well saying he lives far away and he can't get back until late but if they both took that attitude to their responsibility to their child, where would the child be?. Could he not find a job with a 450 pay cut closer to his daughter? Where he would have more time for her and provide more hands on support to her mother instead of just throwing money at her to do it all on her own? That's what the "deadbeat" is all about, financial support is great but it's no comparison to physical & emotional support, especially when it comes to parenting.

I suspect his 'good reason' to leave and abandon his child was very 'all about him' centred. Not dissimilar to a lot of men who just leave, but claim to be doing 'all they can'. Which is actually very, very little when it comes to the realities and daily slog and sacrifices it takes to actually raise a child and be there for him.

No doubt he'll be an occasional 'Disney Dad' when he deems to rock up a few weekends a year, and his sister will defend him and say he's a great dad. While his mum does ALL the sacrificing, caring, slogging, logistics, etc.

Interesting that you have an opinion about how much a child costs but not about how much time their parent should spend with them.

weird also that he developed a sudden ‘good reason’ to leave such a short time after conceiving and having a child, around the same time he could no longer get a job closer than hours away from his child. How unlucky.

Focusing on the measly £30 extra per week is missing the point. I suspect she’s strongly trying to get across to your brother than he’s not bothering to see his child enough.

Even if we say she’s money grabbing (which I don’t agree with!) I’d be ashamed if my brother made such little effort to see his child.

@Jomasell maybe if dad hadnt moved away he could have done half the pickups and drop offs during the week and half the weekend.

Maybe instead of worrying about the baby not being at home with mum all day on Saturday the focus should be on the fact that dad is there 1 day in 6 which has more impact.

The ex needs to house her DD which costs a lot more than housing a single person. You are being unrealistic re costs. Your brother needs to get a job which enables him to do more. I guess he's working Saturdays? he needs a job where that's not the case. Then he can start to pull his weight.

'Deadbeat' - a person who deliberately avoids paying debts or neglects responsibilities...

He is not avoiding his finacial responsibility to his daughter, nor is he refusing to see her. People... he is NOT a 'Deadbeat'.

4400£... that's 90,000$ (CAD) a year. C'mon... that is more than enough to provide for one adult and one child...

Dad is paying more than his share financially... Mother has some cheek to ask for additional £££ for a babysitter. He shouldn't be paying for her R&R. They are separated people... he is not responsible for her getting some 'me' time. Besides, he is there every Sunday correct... ? So that is when she should be taking a few hours for herself.

What they should be doing is finding out what he is legally reqired to pay for child support, and how much of his personal time he needs to contribute... if any. Beyond this... she is SOL.

Gen... 🇨🇦

Besides, he is there every Sunday correct

Incorrect, he is there "when he can".

Op hasn't clarified, but considering he is several hours away I wouldn't imagine it's anything like every week, or even every other week.

This thread makes me so sad that there are parents who effectively abandon being a parent and do less than the bare minimum. And then they complain and their family support them.

And this isn't an isolated case.

It's actually so sad that as a society even a single person thinks it is acceptable to abandon being a parent.

I do wish that there was much, much more societal stigma for deadbeat dads

'Deadbeat' -a person who deliberately avoids paying debts or neglects responsibilities...

He is not avoiding his finacial responsibility to his daughter, nor is he refusing to see her. People... he is NOT a 'Deadbeat'.

How is he not a deadbeat even by your own definition he is a deadbeat because he is neglecting his responsibility to his child. The money is not the issue here and anyone thinking it is, is massively missing the point that he's seeing his child a couple of days a month for a few measly hours at most. That's the issue uis ex has!

Incorrect.

Hth

Amazingly mumsnetters are often women who know how much childcare is.
Quite a few have mentioned 1200 in childcare is super low. I know plenty who pay 2k a month now.
So already you are wrong.

And you still have the mother doing literally everything. Is she never allowed a day off? She is either working or parenting.
And finally children cost more than childcare.
It doesnt even take much thought to see nappies, clothes, footwear, bedding, extra bedroom, extra heating and hot water and the odd trip out will come to more than you think.

He made a mistake in one way when he agreed to pay more than CMS says he should. His ex has seen this as green flag to ask for more. He needs to pay what CMS calculated and not a penny more. He either stands up to her now or she will continue to take the mick

Deadbeat' - a person who deliberately avoids paying debts or neglects responsibilities...

He sees her at the weekend when he can. We don’t have confirmation how often it is, whether the reason why he can’t visit work related and where he takes her (is it ex’s house?) How much notice does she get?

I would guess something like:

"She wasn't the person she pretended to be. She developed anxiety, insisting that the baby needs sleep and food as a priority, and was spending inordinate amount of time with the baby who couldn't even communicate back, isn't that alarming? She lost all fun friends and stopped doing fun stuff like spontaneous trips, festivals, getting drunk, etc. She also did not look after herself - surely she could do a bit more exercise, I am not asking for much - just what she used to do before, which is totally a health thing and not a looks thing, I am not shallow! I have diagnosed her as clinically depressed, but she got mad at me and asked me to do the dishes instead. In addition, there was some abusive behaviour like demanding that I get up in the night (when I SLEEP) to help with the baby, or treating me with disdain after I refused to be dragged into her depressive mindset and went partying with friends. She's a great mum but I cannot be tied to someone who is mentally ill, you only have one life. It is for the best that we separate as our lives are incompatible".

The number of times I heard different variations of the above from men who absolutely, truly believe they are the good guys.