to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

He is your brother and you want to protect him, but he did choose to move away. Why did he have to move what was he working as before? It can't have been the only option.

He should live closer and help raise his child. He can't do it one day a week unfortunately. The problem would cease if he just stuck to set hours and made it a priority.

It sounds like a lot until you deduct childcare then it's nothing. That's a joint cost.

No he shouldn’t pay this, he should tell her to pay it from the maintenance

Spot on. These guys and their handmaidens never even consider this.

Reverse

Op has said the brother clears £3,500 a month, and that nursery fees are £1,200 a month. So he pays half the fees then £300 a month towards all other child-related costs.

Thanks, I'd missed that bit. Obvs not a helpful suggestion!

Quite honestly I think some of these exes (and possibly some of the MNers who post on these threads) wouldn't be satisfied unless their ex was left with little but the clothes they stood up in. (I speak from experience btw.) She sounds grabby to me.

He’s not a deadbeat, I agree. However, he could certainly do better.

Does he see her all day Sunday every weekend? Being generous and assuming he does, she is parenting solo for 6 days per week. That is costly in terms of time and money.

I think the money is reasonable. The amount of time he commits to his daughter and helps raise her is pitiful. Not even 48 hours a week. I would tell him to say no to the money but start showing up and doing his bit!

I don't know why some of you are assuming he even sees his daughter one day a week. @frimscratxh 's deliberate omission of how often he bothers seeing her suggests it may be much, much less often.

Your brother is not doing any parenting. None of your brother’s family are bothering spending time with the child either. All a bit shit for her really.

where is he staying at the weekend and does he have sole care of her, including overnight?

He would only have to pay half the nursery fees.
£900 does seem a lot. Child related expenses are not £1800 per month. If nursery was £1000, that leaves £800 for food, clothes etc. The fact she has 4k per month is irrelevant. She is entitled to the money regardless of what she earns.

As a mum he is paying fair I would say but as a dad he isn't great

Op had already said the nursery is £1,200 a month. So he pays half, then chips in another £300 towards feeding, clothing, and housing the child. Whilst parenting for less than a day a week, when he feels like it. I agree her earrings aren’t the issue, but £900 isn’t a lot under the circumstances. The £300 a month left after his share of nursery probably doesn’t even cover the costs of a home with more space than the mother would need without a child, let alone all the other costs. Plus she does all the the parenting.

Tell him to tell her to take the 30 quid out of the extra 150 he gives her.

From your posts he sounds like a shit dad who abandoned his child to earn more money. Weirdly his ex is able to earn the same as him but he had to move to London and pay extortionate bills whereas she can stay rural and earn the same 90k even with the glass ceiling.
Poor man tries so hard to visit on the weekend that 30 pounds extra a week to help mum who does literally everything is too much.

Tell to start actually looking after his own child, too?

This.

So what? You going to call her up from overseas and tell her what’s what? In laws like you are the worst

I think the issue as always is that going from living together to run two homes is always going to be hard for both parties.

e.g. the parent who feels they've been 'left' may feel like 'costs' include general living costs for house etc. rather than just the costs of bringing up the child. The parent who has left often doesn't factor in the childcare costs of the remaining parent, or feels aggrieved that what they're paying is going towards their exes rent or mortgage and not the child and that they're effectively paying two lots of rent/mortgage.

I don't think anyone on here knows what went on in their relationship so we can't really judge that.

I guess I'm on the fence though. On the one hand he is well within his rights to say go through CMS and pay less. On the other, if they were still together and sharing childcare costs then the leftover he is giving (£300 a month) doesn't seem much to (morally) compensate for the fact he doesn't do much parenting at all.

Indeed and the very frustrating thing is in a site predominantly used by women almost half of those voting think how he is behaving and the fact he pays a little extra each month but hardly sees his child is absolutely fine!

I think women are not as strong a majority on here now as they used to be. You can't move for MRA whiners these days.

Nursery fees for me for two full time in London is £4K! I know she has one and it won’t be as costly as London, but you can expect she’s paying at least £1500 for full time care if she’s working full time. She’ll also be utterly depleted. I’m sure your brother is suffering financially but he’s in a far better position than her seeing as the nursery fees are coming out of her wages and his contribution won’t cover it. Plus she then has to clothe, house and feed the baby…. Not to mention solo look after. I think that your brother doesn’t need to pay the £30 but I also think he’s the ‘lucky’ one in all this.

I suspect the request for £30 isn’t actually about the money. She’s trying to point out to him that the agreement is that he comes up every weekend and when he doesn’t arrive until late Saturday that affects her. She’s done all the childcare every week - every single drop off, pick up, sick day, call from nursery because their child has a temperature, time off for appointments, all while working full time. When he’s late on a Saturday that impacts on her already very limited free time.

It’s all very well to say he “can’t” be there until late “because of work”, but resident parents don’t have that luxury. I simply cannot get stuck at work, or my children don’t get picked up. That pressure can impact the way you’re viewed at work, and so can affect your career prospects. To be dealing with all that and then waiting around for a parent who can turn up whatever time they want because they have you filling the gaps must be incredibly frustrating.

It’s funny how many men have no choice but to see their children very rarely. I know Zero mothers who see their child once a week for an afternoon.