to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

The thing is OP, he left his partner. He doesn't get to leave his child. When he had a child, that was an 18 year commitment.

So he should have stayed, shared care and responsibilities, and honoured that commitment. He didn't. He buggered off to London and left her holding the baby literally. How would he feel if she turned up on his London doorstep, handed over your niece and walked away? Because that is essentially what he has done.

He's off-loaded all the responsibility and the logistics and the worry and the 124 hours per week he's not there, to his ex, without bothering to check if that's ok. Which it clearly isn't.

And you're worrying about a £30 babysitter?!! YABVVU

You really need to take a step back, and let them sort it out between themselves.

I could be the "ex" in this scenario (though with smaller salaries and cms amounts). I too am the "evil ex" and the cause of all relationship issues...

12 years on and DC has seen his dad as and when his dad has time. Sometimes not for 6 months. Cancellations are frequent so planning anything is impossible.

My career has stalled as I can't stay away from home for further training or take opportunities that require weekends/evenings and offer more pay. My social life is almost non-existant. I have been unable to date as who wants to date someone who has sole responsibility for their child every day, night and weekend? I'm skint despite working as much as I can. I had a mental breakdown several years ago due to all of this.

All my annual leave for 12 years has been for school holiday cover and very occasional fun stuff for me like being able to attend a smear test...

2 hours of planned babysitting per week would have been amazing

ExH meanwhile "does what he can"

You said you’re not in the UK so have no idea of costs here. £300 a month after his half of nursery really won’t cover half of the costs for the child. As an example, my ex lives in a one bedroom flat with no garden, nearby so he can see our child more easily. I live a tiny two bed cottage with garden in an insalubrious area (worse transport links and pollution than slightly nicer bit ex is in). I had a bigger deposit than him, and a longer mortgage to try to make the payments affordable, and my mortgage is still THREE TIMES what his is for the privilege of a small garden and extra bedroom.
Then, looking at the price of nappies and wipes nowadays, and considering how many DD got through, that’s another £100 a month. Unpaid leave when the child is sick and the nursery won’t take her, or emergency childcare (a minimum of one day a month), that’s another £100 a month. Soft play once a week at £12 a time? That’s another £50. New clothes and shoes every couple of months to replace what they’ve outgrown, including warm coats, waterproofs, wellies, the odd age appropriate toy? Even second hand (which is how I did it), that’s at least another £50 a month.
Your brother is nowhere near paying half the cost of providing for the child, nor is he providing half the child care or mental load of care.

I appreciate I am coming from his perspective. I guess he does need to do more... I will encourage him to do more if he raises it with me again

In all likelihood he has already set the pattern of what he is prepared do for his daughter and will not do more, whatever encouragement you provide.

Can you see how bad that sounds? A sister having to 'encourage' a dad to see his daughter more?

So you are trying to justify his rubbish behaviour. If he works Monday to Friday and doesn't arrive till late Saturday he is seeing her less than a day a week which means she is a single parent.

My brother had an ex wife that was vile to him. He was kicked out when she met someone else, paid the mortgage and bills whilst he just about scrapped by in a bedsit.

He did it because she threatened to stop him seeing their children. She felt she held all the cards as a mother. He wouldn't see a solicitor. Years later he has met a lovely new partner, although not recovered financially yet. He says he was worried he would not see his children if she didn't get her own way. Maybe your brother is worried too?

They are not in the UK I think I read so they can't

And why exactly would he not see a solicitor? Because that is the deadbeat dad's choice every time.

@frimscratxh

I think you missed my question up there

'He spends all day with my niece on a weekend and gets there as early as he can but sometimes ends up being late Saturday

well that is a contradiction isn't it ?!

what time is ' late Saturday ' ?

So does he arrive at 10am - is that late Saturday ? as the child may be up from 7am - so 3 hours into her day

or does he arrive at 12noon i.e. the child's lunchtime ?

as I am sure he doesn't arrive as late as 2pm does he ? I am sure he doesn't arrive in the afternoon of his day ?

How long does he spend with his daughter i.e. does he leave when she is tucked into bed at 7pm-ish

or does he stay for the whole evening thus allowing the mother to go out for the evening so leaves at 12 midnight etc.?

He says he was worried he would not see his children if she didn't get her own way. Maybe your brother is worried too?

Why would her brother be worried she'd stop him seeing their daughter? It sounds like the poor women is doing literally everything in her power to facilitate this feckless bloke so the child doesn't miss out on seeing her dad when he finally decides she's worth his time.

Her asking for extra money is because she wants some time off, I'm sure if her father offered to have their DD more she'd bite his hand off given he appears to see her for a couple of hours a week and sometimes even longer between visits because apparently he's too busy and his child is at the bottom of his priorities.

Wow OP, ignore all the posts about he’s a deadbeat. We don’t know the facts, maybe she is a deadbeat mum who uses the child as a weapon and all for money. Mums net all one sided. We do not know the facts, if her childcare is £1k a month she only has to put £100 towards it, maybe she should make her child her priority?? Just saying! Mums net are always the first to put people down when I guarantee the people jumping to conclusions are miserable and put their misery on others.

We don’t know the facts, maybe she is a deadbeat mum who uses the child as a weapon and all for money.

How is a woman who works and parents her child at least 5.5 days out of 7 a deadbeat? How do you weaponise a child whose father moved far away and sees him a day a week "if he can"?

Yeah, I'm going to say that if he left his baby in the sole care of a "deadbeat mum", he's worse again.

£900 a month for one child??

my friend gets £600 for 2 children a month!!

He wouldn't see a solicitor.

Why not?

What does he do for a living OP? And how soon after the split did he move to London?

It's dependent on income, not number of children.

Don't blame ASD he was very happy to change his routine and move away from his daughter

What the fuck?? Gosh just when you think the bar for men couldn't get any lower...

What facts do you need? The dads own sister is the one giving the information were all responding too.

He sees his kid for a few hours a week at most sometimes not at all.
He moved hours away from his tiny daughter without even a second thought.
He prioritised a high paying job over being near his child

It's a bloody good job her mum isn't as self centred.

I wouldn’t call him deadbeat. Save that for the ones who completely abandon their DC and pay nothing. He’s just your average selfish dad.
I’d be asking what was going through his mind when he applied for the London job. What was the plan? Obviously having a child wasn’t factored in. The child was someone else’s problem.
Is he looking for a job closer to the child? Didn’t think so.

It’s hard to say really what’s gone on - but I am surprised that he decided to move hours away from his baby. Really odd decision. And stops him from really doing any real parenting - all he’s doing is a bit of babysitting really.

Given that she hasn't done the same and abandoned the child and that he trusts her to look after the child full time suggests he believes she is a decent Mum.

Why shouldn't he? Nurseries are generally open around 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. Closed Bank Holidays and don't accept DC when ill. There are 24 hours in a day and 7 days a week so even paying the full amount he is providing less than half a weeks childcare.

More context needed. He gives £900. What is his monthly wage?

Is he paying 50% of a full time nursery place? Is he paying 50% of his childs rent, bills and food?

Has he formalised his split with his ex and agreed a financial settlement? If they have a mortgaged property costing £1000 a month he cant simply move out, refuse to pay it and expect her to fund it entirely, they need to agree a full settlement.

What does "every weekend he can" mean? Does it mean every weekend? Monthly?

It comes across like hes upped sticks and is now whining that his responsibilities are still there. He plays dad, at best, once a week in person. She does 90% of they childcare, why shouldn't he cover 90% of the costs.

What if she had left for London and left him holding the baby in the town where he "couldn't get a job" and then moaned that he just wanted her money