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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

487 replies

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:39

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

OP posts:
SilkFloss · 19/01/2024 12:40

Can he not just say no?

Mittemucci · 19/01/2024 12:40

Is this not between your brother and his ex wife to sort out?

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:41

He has said he can’t afford it and was met with a load of abuse about him being a deadbeat

OP posts:
frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:41

He won’t stand up to her properly (IMO)

OP posts:
Sandtownnel · 19/01/2024 12:43

He should tell her to go via CMS arrangements and she will quickly change her tune.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/01/2024 12:43

Go through the CMS and get a proper arrangement. How much is he seeing her-a few hours in a Saturday or is he taking her eg 12pm Saturday to 5pm Sunday?

I presume if she’s earning the same as him, she’s still working full time-does that mean she’s paying full time childcare? What does he/she earn?

Babyroobs · 19/01/2024 12:43

Tell him to tell her to pay out of the £900. Honestly that's a huge amount for one child and he is already paying more than he needs to.

Bubbleohseven · 19/01/2024 12:44

It's just a case of saying no really.

As adults, sometimes we have to have difficult conversations with people.

JollyJanuary · 19/01/2024 12:45

He left her, moved two hours away, goes on weekends when he can but not until Saturday evening. She is solo parenting isn't she.

trippily · 19/01/2024 12:45

She must be paying a fortune in childcare.

Lazylegolady · 19/01/2024 12:45

What commitment is he giving with regard to seeing his child? "Whenever he can" seems quite vague. If he cannot commit to something regular then I think it's reasonable to pay that.

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:45

He spends all day with my niece on a weekend and gets there as early as he can but sometimes ends up being late Saturday. I think he is being pushed around but I don’t know how things work in the UK as not lived there in over two decades now

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 19/01/2024 12:46

Does he have her on Saturday and Sunday?

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 19/01/2024 12:46

He buggered off hundreds of miles away and visits "when he can". He's paying an additional 15-20% on top of his legally required minimum and she is doing almost 100% of the parenting.

He can say no, especially if he can't afford it, but let's not pretend he's dad of the year.

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:46

No just Sunday but tries to go up Saturday depending on work

OP posts:
trippily · 19/01/2024 12:46

What time does he leave on a sunday?

CinnabarRed · 19/01/2024 12:47

Chances are that the £900 hr pays won’t even cover all the nursery fees. And it seems pretty rich that he can’t travel to get to his DD sooner than late Saturday.

MiddleParking · 19/01/2024 12:47

Parenting is about more than just money. It sounds like he’s moved away and is doing the minimum. That leaves her with literally everything to do and think about, even with his contribution. I’d be calling him a deadbeat too, and the rest.

CinnabarRed · 19/01/2024 12:48

Is it every weekend?

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:49

I don’t want to give details on their relationship but he had good reason to leave her. He’s doing his best but I am worried for him, his rent is extortionate in London and he is easily pushed around. Surely from 4,400 she can pay her own babysitter. I had half that as a single parent and I managed very well! He is paying as much as he can.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 19/01/2024 12:50

It's so nice that you are justifying your brother!. He left her and moved away and sees his child "when he . Encourage your brother to do more for his child not less!. Nope, she is not " pushing him around ". A lot of her money is going on child care!

MiddleParking · 19/01/2024 12:50

What are you talking about ‘every weekend he can’, ‘gets there as early as he can’? He’s her parent. Looking after her comes first and everything else fits around that, not the other way around. Christ.

Lazylegolady · 19/01/2024 12:50

I don't live in the UK but would assume the cms minimum takes into account that the general standard with regard to access would be every second weekend (full weekend) plus one midweek evening/night, which he is definitely not doing. A "when he can" arrangement is a massive pain in the ass for her.

TrashedSofa · 19/01/2024 12:50

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 19/01/2024 12:46

He buggered off hundreds of miles away and visits "when he can". He's paying an additional 15-20% on top of his legally required minimum and she is doing almost 100% of the parenting.

He can say no, especially if he can't afford it, but let's not pretend he's dad of the year.

Yeah, I wouldn't go so far as deadbeat but she'll be doing more than 50% of everything here. It must be difficult.

GabriellaMontez · 19/01/2024 12:50

Full time nursery could be well over £1k.

He left his one year old, moved hours away, comes back when he can. She's right isn't she? He's a deadbeat.

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