to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

So nursery is about £1.2k pm
Rent mortgage could reasonably be AT LEAST £1.5kpm
Factoring in Council tax, gas and electric, Internet, phone bill, car finance, food, clothes and stuff for their child, suddenly £4400pm doesn't actually go that far, does it really?

How frustrating it must be for her to parent all week and then dad just shows up when he can. She can’t make plans. I think he should not give more money but he has to commit to being there at the same time every week.

Is the £30 babysitter request a passive aggressive jibe that he needs to start turning up at a predictable time?

Fast forward a few years does he what his child to be the one that is sat at the window for hours waiting for dad to show up if it doesn't inconvenience him too much? My sister's dad cleared off not long after my parents got married but only once did my sister wait for him watching out of the window for him. The next week when he also didn't turn up they went out after an hour.
When there is a nativity play or a parents evening the child will care if they get there on time or after it finishes

It's easy now as a 1 year old can't tell the time and doesn't know that they are waiting for their father to step back into their life for a day but he is setting the seeds for that relationship in the future and getting there when he can won't cut it.

So he pays 75% of nursery & she pays 25% of nursery and everything else and gets little time away from parenting.

It's good he's paying more than the minimum but it doesn't make him less of a dead beat imo. Any parent moving miles away from their child is a dead beat as far as I'm concerned.

Sick of all these dads thinking giving some money makes them a good parent. That's just a basic expectation. Can you imagine the situation we'd be in if mothers thought it was acceptable to see their children once a week ffs - the whole country's children would be in care

good reason to leave his ex or his child? Maybe he should do 50:50 if that would be cheaper for him.... if you could so could he surely.

This isn't entirely surprising given the very erratic nature of his visits. Put yourself in her shoes and how your niece must wonder why she doesn't see daddy. Regardless of how bad the ex is his daughter deserves him around routinely and reliably not just as and when.

If he was still with her he'd be paying £600 a month alone for his share of the childcare bill. An additional £300 a month for every single cost related to his ex single handedly raising their kid sounds like an absolute bargain.
Unless he had to leave because she was abusive - in which case why the hell would he leave his kid behind - relationships break down for all sorts of depressing reasons. Parents who give a shit about their kid don't then move hours away and turn up for contact 'when they can'. He clearly doesn't care about his child and his ex clearly knows that too. The bare minimum he can do therefore is make sure that the parent who does care has enough money to do so.
Stop enabling his poor choices and behaviour.

Mum isn’t unreasonable to ask but is unreasonable to call him deadbeat and abuse him.

Your brother isn’t as great as you think. Seeing his dd once a week isn’t really parenting? I hope that he is continuing to look for work in a location between London and his ex’s home. He might not earn as much but he’d be able to be a better dad by seeing his dd more. I have an ex who does 24 hours a fortnight. He’s reliable with sending maintenance and always turns up but it’s not really parenting. (Before you ask that’s all he can do and he moved away)

I know you said that you managed on half of what ex earns but CoL means life is much more expensive eg utilities and she’s at an income where she won’t be getting topups. You don’t say how many years ago you lived in the UK but that’s something to bear in mind when you wonder why she’s complaining.

You know that £900 probably doesn’t cover nursery right? She may get a discount if the child is over 3 and tax free childcare of 20% but UK childcare is the priciest in the world and she probably doesn’t get top ups from the taxpayer either.

The ex might not know that she is getting £150 more than CMS. Your brother wouldn’t be unreasonable to point this out and tell her that she should use it towards the babysitting. It’s not enough for every week but would for every other week.

Your brother would have done the sums and decided that London salary, London rent and high cost of travelling to see his dd is better than his DD’s town salary/rent/availability to see her more. If he decided to maximise salary to maximise maintenance because he thinks that contributing financially is more important than contributing in person then that’s not ex’s fault because your brother made that decision.

I’m not saying that ex is an innocent victim but if he lived locally then her outgoings might be less and he’d be available to look after his dd with the added bonus of being much less stressed. Dads are increasingly asking for 50% contact at court and being granted it because they recognise that dads can improve the lives of their kids too.

Well, this. He isn’t covered in glory. Sounds like she is solo parenting the majority of the time while he does his own thing. Ex is probably tired and burnt out realistically

Whilst I don’t think you are unreasonable I think it’s wise for your brother to be as accommodating as he can. I would personally recommend going through the CMS and get it formalised, also when he’s coming up he needs to do an assessment as to what time he can realistically make it up and be on time rather than risk frustration.

I’ve lived through some of what your brother has and trust me it’s best to drop any resentments and focus on the child. Make sure he makes logs of when he sees his daughter and try to get to overnights if at all possible. It’s really nice and important for him to forge a strong bond with his child. I promise it makes being a walking atm machine for mum only a mild annoyance against that.

Tell him to keep logs of how much he sees her and when, and any receipts of money he gives. Hopefully mum will grow up once the bitterness of the breakup fades, but it really it’s best to avoid fuelling it. Just tell him to keep his head down for the first few years. It will get better.

I mean, quite. Seems he took the easy way out of parenting.

He should compress his hours using a flexible working request with earlier starts and finish Mon - Thurs, shorter lunch breaks, finish at lunchtime on a Friday and have his daughter from Friday evening through to Sunday so Mum gets a rest.

Unless he works in a bar and doesn't finish until 4am on a Saturday and can't drive back late, he's choosing his own conscience of a lie in and an easy Saturday morning over seeing his daughter.

I'd be irritated too.

Tell him to go through the cms

Good point, it could be that what she's actually trying to do is get him to turn up more reliably.

he sees his child 6 days a month... while she foots the bill for full time childcare and presumably needs to pay for weekend childcare as he doesn't turn up until saturday afternoon/ evening. he's not exactly covered in glory.
And how much she earns isn't relevant really.

either way its for him to say no or not and explain he can't manage the extra costs, however according to your maths he's still got over £3k a month after cms payments so he's not exactly destitute

Being honest did he really have to get a job in London? Literally no other jobs more local than that? Just seems mad tbh, most expensive place to live and so far away from your very young child. It doesn't sound like he really wants to be a parent.

I think you're spot on with this. She can either never make plans on a Saturday night, try to make plans but know that her deadbeat ex will only turn up 'if he can' or she can book a babysitter knowing she has reliable childcare in place. Plan c seems the most sensible but why should she have to suck up a £30 penalty for his lack of reliability each time - it seems a very reasonable cost to pass on, or at the very least to make a point about to him.

I also think that she just wants him to be reliable. So that she's not sitting around waiting for him to arrive.

He's basically abandoned his child, and then only does the bare minimum when he can.

If he worked in a bar, which I doubt, then he would have a day off in the middle or beginning of the week.

He could ask to make that day consistent so he could go and spend the day with his daughter. Yes he would do a lot of travelling but it's only until she starts school.

So he lost the job he had when he lived with his ex & daughter & the only option was several hours away?

What a shame.

Is he using all his annual leave and taking advantage of parental leave to have his child? As said let's not pretend that he is anywhere near doing his bit. If you can't physically help out then there should be extra financial support given. It's really strange that you think that she's the one taking the piss. Was the baby planned and agreed on?

Can you not see Op that you have completely fallen for your woebegone brother’s sob-story narrative? He had “no option” in the UK but to move away from his one year old is utter bollocks and should be called out by everyone around him!

Just because people can't manage on less doesn't mean his ex can or should. She is paying the living costs for the niece plus the nursery, doing 90% of the actual caring for the daughter and all the mental load from her £4.4k a month. Your brother is giving £900 a month from his £4.4k a month and then being around roughly 1 day a week for an unspecified number of hours. And then living it up on the £3.5k he has left. I bet after nursery and all bills are paid she has way less than he has as disposable income. And she also has way less free time.

Your brother is pretty much a deadbeat dad as he has just walked away from his responsibilities towards that child.

i would hesitate to involve yourself as you dont even live there and no doubt don't have the full picture.
parenting a child is more than just money.
30£ for a babysitter is hardly extortionate.
the reason he left his ex is honestly irrelevant - whatever it it, it's not the child's fault, after all.
leave it to your brother and his ex wife to sort out

I think "when he can" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.