He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Does this vile sounding man at least pay you rent for living under your roof ?

Does he contribute to council tax, utilities ?

Does he do his fair share of chores ? Cooking, cleaning, shopping ?
Does he help with the general admin involved in running of a home ?

Do your kids actually like him?
Does your mum like him ?
Have you asked them ?
Do you or your kids or your mum feel like you’re treading on eggshells around him so as not to annoy him ?
Have you taken into account the effect on the family of moving this man into your home ?
Your children will resent you in future if you make them live with a horrible man who coerced you into kicking out their lovely gran.

You really need to pay attention to what those around you think of him.
If they don’t like being around him that’s a huge red flag for you !
A genuinely kind person would make others feel good in his company.
A passive aggressive abuser will have the opposite effect because he’s using you for his own gain.

It’s almost certain if you move your mum out, he will change for the worse.

Your mum sounds lovely.
Look after her, OP.
She has your back where this man doesn’t.

So he pays rent and a portion of the bills to you?

Hasn't this made you go off him? My mum's partner cared for my grandma, along with my mum, in their own home when she was elderly and he was so kind and tolerant of her, it made my mum like him more. This guy is the opposite.

Just get him to move out and live on his own, he's not contributing money to the house, or helping with childcare (I bet) or doing even his own share of cooking and cleaning! He's not bringing anything. Go visit him in his own home if you must stay with him (though why is a mystery).

Kick him out. What a pig.

Absolutely 100% not! Who the hell does he thinks he is🤣 gets in, gets comfy then thinks he’s decision maker in someone else’s house! Your poor mum!

Suck it up pal or move out yourself!

I hope for the sake of yourself, your mother and your kids you take note of the responses you’re getting on this thread and remove this man from your life before he causes you further harm.

It will be difficult - he sounds like the type to use every tactic under the sun to stay in your home (expect him to guilt trip you, make you doubt yourself, threaten to hurt himself etc.) but please be starting and get him gone.

If he doesn’t like it he can sling his hook can’t he?
what a pig, and your poor mum, frozen out in her own home. Refusing food she’s cooked. Who does he think he is!! Honestly I’m furious for you. It’ll be your children next, and then you.
Protect yourself. No penis or bin emptier is worth the old divide & conquer treatment in your own family!

He moved in because 1. He could save lots of money 2. he was pretty sure he'd get all his meals cooked for him, sex on tap, cleaning done etc. In fact, he probably thought your mum being there was a GOOD thing on that basis as you'd be even less likely to expect him to do any of it. 3. he thought that your mum could be treated like a little slave and would be out of sight and mind.

As he's not actually contributing financially, I'd be tempted to tell him it's over, give him a deadline of 1 week to be out and if he's not, when he's at work pack his stuff up and change the lock.

He must move out. Doesn't he have some ''rights'' regarding your property as a partner if he lives there for 2 years?

Get rid of him. You had a lovely set up that worked for you all by the sounds of things, and he's come along and tried to ruin it. Get rid.

I wonder how your mum and DC feel? I bet they're not happy either.

Tell him to fuck off sharpish.

Wow OP my mum is elderly and my husband thinks she should move in with us and insists we visit her whenever we can. That's what a caring person looks like. Not this twat.

Appalling man.
"He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else."
He has said it himself. ( and what he actually means is that it should be just him. )
The biggest red flag ever.

This is just the beginning, if you put your mum elsewhere next it'll be your kids. Get rid.

@Peanutsforthebluetit that's quite the questionnaire you've written, but OP already answered about the man not paying, and the barrage of questions will only have her typing out more details that do not matter.
All she needs to do is prioritise her kids and never move blokes into their home, especially such an obvious shit quality specimen.
Absolutely ridiculous that she allowed any of this.

He needs to leave

Multi generational living is definitely becoming more popular due to housing costs and I'm guessing the OP benefits from free childcare from granny?
My DM sold her house and she and my sister's family pooled resources to move into a lovely 6 bedroomed home. It was win win for both of them, she had company, they had an extra pair of hands with their kids. DM and DBIL got on like a house on fire.

This man is an arse, he wants to equally control a house (hold) but doesn't seem to realise that it isn't his. In his mind he owns your home OP.

Why are you with him? He sounds awful.

Your poor mum being bullied in her home in her final years. I cannot understand why you're letting this continue. Are you so desperate for a man that any man will do even someone as horrible as your partner?

This will get worse while you passively let it happen.

If he is unhappy he goes

Why is this horrid selfish man still living with you?

He sounds extremely controlling. Get rid.

Please, please get him to leave.

He is adding nothing to your life by living there and it's only going to get worse

Its not even his house, nor are you even married to him. He's being very controlling. He knew the set up before he moved in. I think your set up is lovely and works for you and the kids. Imagine if you kicked her out on his say so, then he left you in a few years, it could happen. It would damage your relationship with your mum. I'd tell him, if he's bothered by the set up then he is welcome to move out. If he was horrible to my mum or made her feel uncomfortable, I'd kick him out.