He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

He said that did he? Yet he wants to control your home and who lives in it? Give your head a wobble!!

Yes, I know a family with a similar set up. Her mother and DH get on brilliantly and in fact, he is the one who takes her off on weekends away as the two of them sit around cackling and drinking cocktails! I have known many families in similar set ups, including our NDN.

It's not that weird at all, space permitting. Which it sounds like is the case here where OP's mother even has her own sitting room.

Why are you still with this guy, he sounds vile. Get rid.

This would be so simple for me.

He would be out of my house and out of my life - in quite short order.

Get someone in to change the locks while he is at work and box up all of his stuff and leave it outside. Do not let him back in. Do not give him the slightest inclination that you’re going to do it because he sounds like he will make your life very difficult if you do and possibly won’t leave. I always think MN are far too quick to tell someone to leave their partner but he sounds truly despicable and you need to get him out of your house as quickly as possible.

As I see it you have two ways to settle this.

Either you say “My home, my rules, my mum. Bye bye BF”

Or you say “ Well ,let’s be fair about this and give everyone over 18 who lives in the house a vote about who leaves. Bye bye BF.”

I lived with my mum for years, I know two sisters that share living costs and children, it's much more common now.

It would be different if the OP and him were married and debating whether to move mum in. This already is the mother's home, and presumably she is contributing a lot more to the household in terms of childcare/cooking/cleaning and being a stable presence with the children than he is!

how awful, tell him to move out and get out of your life asap. This man is dangerous. Please listen to the Crime Analyst podcast and educate yourself about coercive control. If anyone told me to kick my mother out of my home or was rude to her they would not be allowed back in ever.

Kick him out! You only get one mum. Look after her. Plenty other tossers to choose from.

Agreed. Dreadful man.

How unpleasant for the children too, because they must be able to pick up on the fact that one of the three adults in their household harbours a huge amount of animosity towards another. Think of the them in your decision making.

Out he goes.
That's all there is to say really.

He knew the situation before he moved in and if he didn't like it he should have stayed where he was. Now he has moved in and is complaining about it, so out he goes. Why on earth does he think your mother should move out of her home just because he's turned up?

wanker

Many men target women with their own homes for an easy set up. Particularly men who have had to previously leave a family home and miss a nice big house, some one tidying after them and cooking dinner the way they like it.

My guess would be he’s seen a woman who is sorted financially and wants to move into your home. But now with your mother there he is finding it harder to get his feet under the table. He doesn’t like the food she has kindly made? Hmmm if you were cooking would he expect you to be more receptive to his feedback and instructions on how his highness likes his meals prepared.

Id stay with him if you wish, but ask him to move out. I suspect that this would make him seek out a cosier set up elsewhere. But my suspicion is wannabe cocklodger but is struggling to get as entrenched as he’d like with your mum present

So it’s your house and he pays you rent . So you say no , I am not kicking my mother out .

be careful he will move on to the children next .

His responsibility does not end with just paying for himself. He will be saving a ton of money by no longer paying rent on a property.

He should be to make your life easier, not just his own. He is supposed to be a life partner. Ie he should want you to save money by having him in your home and if he is serious about the relationship, he would also take on a step parenting role.

As is, it sounds as if this is all one way with food and laundry thrown in. He doesn’t care about you or your mum; he’s a cuckoo, feathering his nest. The take is all in one direction.

'me and him controlling the home and everything else.'

Just what is there to CONTROL ? your mother ? your children ? neither of which are his business
your house - oh dear not his house either, it's only his home.

so does he want to control when the heating is on ?

does he want to control which hoover is bought ?

does he want to cook dinner every night ? is he going to the supermarket and purchasing food which he wants to cook for you ALL ?

is he paying half of all the bills ?
as I don't expect the children or your mum to be paying anything.

You can do sooooo much better !!!

Well, he knew the situation, and has no business expecting you to kick your Mum out.

However, I suspect it is unreasonable to expect any live in relationship to work in this set up. I would not move in with a man, his 3 kids and his Mum, partly because it wouldn’t be a partnership. It would be a household with 3 kids whose lifestyle is not mine to have any say in,, and another adult with all that that brings.

I can understand that he doesn’t want to live like this, but the answer is not to kick your Mum out!

And I would worry that he would start on your kids, push them out one by one as they reach 18. Or earlier. I used to work with homeless young people, a lot were on the streets because of Mums Partner.

But personally I wouldn’t move a man into my home with 3 kids anyway.

It’s not working, he needs to move out.

You're unreasonable not to kick him out. Who the fuck does he think he is.

Bin him. He’s a walking red flag, if he gets his way on this, your kids will be next

Are you, your mum and your children happy with that family set-up?Eventually, he'll want your children out too. It's your house and that's the set up: If he doesn't like it, then he can move out.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 has he retained his old place?

Yes, that's what he is. A wannabe cocklodger. Especially as he says he pays for himself, not anyone else. And while he can't be expected to pay for things for OP's children, he should be making a fair contribution to the household as a whole, especially bearing in mind he's saving a shit ton of money not having to pay rent on his own property or a mortgage.

And as you say, men like this do target women with their own homes. I've had experience of this. You have to be very very careful if you own your own property and are in a financially stable position.

Nah m8

You Are being unreasonable to expect him to get used to it. He won’t get used to the living situation and whilst he is there will make life miserable for everyone.

My advice: kick him out and live happily as you were before.

Your poor mother. Why are you letting this vile man victimise her in her own home? If you don't do anything about it then you're almost as bad as he is.

You pay for everything and it's your house. This joker breezes in as if he owns the place. He doesn't like going out. What are you getting out of this? Get rid of him.