He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

None of this would be acceptable in my book even if your mother was not involved at all. How on earth does he think he has a right to live rent-free and without contributing anything to fuel bills etc? Let alone to have you running after him tidying up after him and, I assume, doing things like his laundry? Even if the housework is "not his mess" surely if you love someone you want to help make life easier for them?

Honestly, OP, time to tell him to get out. It just isn't working and it isn't going to improve.

Tell him to leave today Op. Don't let him sweet talk you into staying

wanted to have some clarity from others that I’m sane and my decision not to kick my mum out is normal behaviour. If he doesn’t like it he should leave, not my mum.

It's not a case of "if he doesn't like it he should leave". The reality is that he should leave, full stop, because he doesn't want to be part of the family and, in particular, he doesn't love you enough to want to help to make your life easier in any way. The cocklodging stops here.

Deep breath and tell him the relationship isn't working for you anymore and he needs to leave tomorrow.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 does he have his own place? I get that it must be nerve-wracking asking him to leave.

Try to think of it like pulling off a plaster, has to be done quick to minimise the pain.

I'd like to meet your mother, tea and cards sound enjoyable

Just wanted to say I am so sorry you have had a wolf in sheep clothing experience with this man. I know you had some harsh comments in this thread but am so pleased to see you have been able to take the blinkers off and see this man for what he really is. I've done the whole walking on eggshells thing. It is beyond awful. I really feel for you. Summon you inner strength and anger at his falsehood to get him out.

I agree with other poster who said change the locks and throw his stuff out. I can see him being nasty and refusing to leave.

Take care xx

Get rid op. Police if necessary.. He has no rights to be there. At all.

He told you it's her or me, so just tell him to go. It sounds like he is just sponging off you and doesn't bring much to the household except tension and stress. Don't put it off OP, tell him to go today and then it's done.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 he’s actually behaved so badly I’d have no qualms about taking his key, packing his stuff while he’s out and just not letting him back in.

He’s been really unpleasant and has no right to live with you.

OP the fact your scared to tell him you want him to leave and it’s over speaks volumes.

Id pack his stuff while he was out the house and lock the doors just tell him on Monday once he’s at work that his stuff is outside .

You can do this and the sooner the better for you all.

'I’m so so nervous and scared to tell him. I shouldn’t feel like this.'

Ah, this makes sense now op. The thread was strange up till now, everyone telling you he's a shithead and to get rid, you agreeing he was a shithead, but seemingly not planning on actually taking action!

This is good, in a way! Good that you've realised it, and actually if you're scared to tell him, it's yet another confirmation that he has to go.

If you're scared to tell him, send him a text as soon as he goes to work one day. You can tell him that you've sent him a text rather than spoken because you were scared to tell him. Pack all his stuff up and put it outside your house. Lock the door. He has plenty of money now saved ti get a hotel for however long he needs to till he's got someone else to live.

Don't feel guilty. You aren't doing anything wrong. He has caused all of this himself.

Keep strong Woman!!! Please update us with good news i.e he's gone.
I predict he'll start with 'you'll never meet anyone as good as me', followed by we can work through this, and bookcased by abuse as he stomps back to his mum.

Stay strong OP !

Remember, bullies play on people’s weaknesses.
If you stand up to them they hopefully back down.

Get your mum with you and tell him together.
Maybe an additional relative too so he can’t get violent.

No stammering … hold your head up straight, look him in the eye and tell him straight !!

I’d call him a cocklodger but he is worse than that.

Good that you now know, and will avoid wasting any more of your time with him.

If you feel unsafe telling him, then get somebody physically strong to accompany you or to be at least in the next room when you have the conversation. And do not let him drag his feet around moving out. If he screams and yells and carries on, tell him that his presence makes you feel unsafe and you want him out immediately. And change the locks if he might have a key.

Good luck op. Tell him sooner rather than later, just rip the plaster off. Hoping for an update later today to say that the lazy, tight fisted, misogynistic cocklodger has gone back to his own mum!

Good luck OP. I’d hazard a guess that if you looked up the definition of ‘Cocklodger’ in a dictionary, there would be a picture of your boyfriend. He needs to go, sharpish.

If he gets threatening call the police.

He’s been really unpleasant and has no right to live with you.

This ^^

Another fucking cocklodger!

Your poor mum!

Get him gone this weekend and you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

I’m done walking on eggshells and am going to tell him of my decision.

Good-today, I hope. Tell your mum what you are doing and perhaps a family friend who can be on standby in case he gets difficult. Good luck.

OP, I also wish you lots of luck with this. It's clear you talked this through and they had a good relationship prior to him moving in, but unfortunately since he's moved in he's proved to be a bad partner for you, not just with the situation with your mum, but more generally in terms of him stepping back from contributing and you having to step up more, financially, housework wise and so on. He's not a net contributor. Living together is so different than being in a relationship where you go on dates. You found out the hard way but these things aren't always predictable and it sounds like you are sensibly going to rectify the situation. You and your mum sound amazing and great supports for each other, my mum and me are like that and it has helped my children's quality of life so much having a supportive other adult around.

Stay on this thread OP, if he tries any of the following, we can support you:

• Asks for another chance/say’s he’s only been like this because he’s tired and stressed about work lately/ says he’ll change (and he might, for a few days or even weeks, but things will soon start slipping back into their old ways and you’ll be back in the same position)
• Cries/says you’re mean/selfish (you’re the opposite of this and will therefore find it hurtful, which is why he’ll say it)
• Says you’re confused/crazy/illogical (you’re not)
• Says he’ll hurt himself without you (not your problem, tell him that if at any point you think he’s genuinely suicidal you’ll call 999 and get him in an ambulance)
• Says you’ve been brainwashed by bitter women who want to make you miserable like they are (if you mention this thread to him it will get used against you)
• Says you’re throwing him out to move another man in because you’ve been cheating on him (common accusation in this scenario, ignore)
• Says the logistics of him moving out this weekend are impractical, can he move out next weekend instead (moving is impractical by its nature and, don’t accept this or the same thing will happen next weekend and the weekend after until he just says living with you)

You’ll probably need to ‘grey rock’ this one, don’t ‘ask’ him to move out or let it turn into a conversation because it just makes it more likely that you’ll have to deal with one or more of the above. Good luck

I’m truly horrified that you would think you were unreasonable in this situation.

He’s a horrible, freeloading, nasty piece of shit. He has to go.

Good luck. I hope he accepts it without any aggro.

This man just sounds more and more horrible. He is just freeloading off you and isn't even behaving like a partner. He is using you and your family and your house for cheap accommodation. Get rid of him asap!