He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

@GothConversionTherapy

It's a fantastic set-up and the OP's children will undoubtedly have wonderful memories of it.
It just seems sad that she appears to have no means of her own, and is stuck in this situation. Mind you, that could maybe happen anyway due to her age.
Anyway, that is all I meant

Why is she 'stuck in it' though? It seems that she and the OP chose to do this. I know people who have entered into similar arrangements and it has benefits for both sides. I couldn't have lived with my parents (I would fall out with my mother after being in the same room for half an hour) but I can imagine it working with my own adult daughter if there was plenty of room.

Tell him to pack his things and find alternative accommodation. The fucking cheek. That he even felt bold enough to voice this is a problem.

Why is that a leap? Many of us on here speak from experience. I have seen this happen quite a bit.

@LisaBellew 😯

How is that legal?

On what legal basis was he entitled to this. Were they married? Had she put his name on the mortgage?

@CaptainMyCaptain

Umm, stuck with a man who appears to hate her and wants her out ...

I don’t understand why anybody would ever do this. Why do four other people need to sacrifice, so you can bring an adult man into their home unnecessarily?

From bitter experience and a loooong life of previously suffering with manipulative

KICK HIM OUT

TODAY.

Hell get worse, they always do

No leap at all. Someone who is prepared to suggest upsetting the op’s perfectly happy living arrangements the minute he strides into her life isn’t going to stop until he’s got things the way he wants them. So often men who are brought in to an existing family set up like this start picking away at the fabric until it all unravels. He’s already started. Why do you think it won’t continue?

He’d lived there for more than two years as her partner. We now think it was his plan all along! He had nothing and now has a very healthy bank account…

I was told if you live with someone and you pay bills during 6 months or spend money in house improvements you are entitled to a share of the house

It's very disturbing that he wants to exert control over your mother's social life and you say you can see his point of view. You're halfway down the rabbit hole. Climb back out, OP, and get rid of him.

I don’t like him and I’ve never met him.
Your poor mum. His energy sounds awful.

I'm almost certain this is not correct , in England at least. The concept of a common law spouse is incorrect, if you are not married and are just living in a house contributing to bills I think you are entitled to nothing. Unless of course you had your name added to the mortgage. This is why so many unmarried women are at such risk if their relationship breaks down, they get nothing if their name not on the mortgage.

In England? This makes no sense legally unless she'd foolishly put his name on the mortgage.

My mother moved in because it suited us both at the time. We planned to live like this until it no longer worked for one of us. I always thought if I met someone who I wanted to make a go of a life with, we would get our own place together and we would help get my mother her own very close by as she’s such a big part of our lives and we don’t want to be far from her. He doesn’t want to do this or help do this.

Financially he doesn’t give me an amount, he basically buys his own food and some take aways for the family. I feel very embarrassed to admit this as I know it’s pathetic.

We have spoken about ways to manage things but it’s ‘me or her’ he can not live with her and I am the one that needs to make that call. Many people have said here that of her were a good guy he would just kindly say that it isn’t what he expected living with so many people and he will just find his own space again and we can still be together.

To be honest the relationship disintegrated at an alarming rate as soon as he moved in.

He refuses to do the housework. Says it’s not his mess. Refuses to pay bills, they aren’t his bills.

My responsibilities and expense increased when he moved in. His decreased. And he doesn’t appear to care. He sees me running around trying to make the home pleasant for everyone and it’s just not working. Everyone feels the tension.

He’s busy with his work and friends but I don’t see how it is my job to do it all, whilst he works, only to not contribute financially or in any other way. I’m so exhausted!

I wrote this post because I need someone else view on what has become an intolerable situation and to hear I’m not being unreasonable by putting my mum and kids first.

I did look into this and in the UK you are not a common law spouse at any point. So you can’t claim anything on your partner just by living with them. It’s Australia that has rules like this for sure.

Oh, OP! At least you know now.

I’m sorry that he’s not who he thought he was! Prioritise your kids, mum and yourself and I hope when you kick him out he goes gracefully.

Then off he pops.

Honestly I’m not sure where the quandary is. Are you worried about him being nasty?

Time for him to move out

Change the locks and bag his stuff while he's out. Don't give him notice, he'll be a nasty cunt until he leaves.

He can get an air b n b with all the money he's saved.

He hasn't really treated you well, since he moved in. He's changed. He isn't contributing properly, complaining and demanding your mum moves out! Honestly he sounds horrible. I'd tell him to leave. He doesn't think much of you to allow you to clean his mess and pay his expenses, does he? You don't need another child, you need a real man who will treat you with respect. Update us, if he leaves op. Rooting for you.

Oh dear. He love bombed you to get his feet under the table and his arse under your roof so he can save himself money while leeching off of you. He’s a cock lodger of the highest order. He probably planned to try and oust your mum too from the outset. Get him in the bin OP preferably the smelliest one you can find.

Him and my mum had a good relationship before he moved in. He was always very pleasant to her and super appreciative of her. Even buying her little gifts and playing cards with her. That all changed after the move.

I’m done walking on eggshells and am going to tell him of my decision.

I’m exhausted and depleted trying to keep the house a harmonious one when it was before and now isn’t. It’s mainly trying to placate him. He’s shown his true colours and needs to go.

I’m so so nervous and scared to tell him. I shouldn’t feel like this.

Thank you all again and I will keep you updated.