He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Two questions for you, OP.

Do you have a happier family now your partner has moved in?

Are you happier?

If the answer is not, you need to understand that by allowing this man to stay in the family space you're allowing family life and future memories to be tarnished.

What will your children remember of this time in their lives? And your mother?

What about you?

Just on page one of this chat, but I know full well that the following 30 pages will say get rid of this imbecile. And I agree. Who the hell does he think he is? Good men don’t behave like this. Don’t sacrifice your mum for an a hole. Next will be your children.

ust on page one of this chat, but I know full well that the following 30 pages will say get rid of this imbecile. And I agree. Who the hell does he think he is? Good men don’t behave like this. Don’t sacrifice your mum for an a hole. Next will be your children.

Typo mistake word outstayed *

Someone who thinks they can "take charge" once they get their feet under the table is not a keeper - kick the fucker out

Why do so many women choose to have horrible men in their lives, at the expense of those who really love them? Nothing will ever be enough for someone like that. If your Mum gets pushed out, he’ll then start to resent you visiting her or inviting her over. Then he’ll be criticising your parenting and your dc’s behaviour. Then he’ll start on you….

Your partner is being vile to your mum, and you are just letting him. Your poor mum. He is beyond unreasonable, and to an extent you are unreasonable too - too tolerate your poor mum being treated so badly. I’m sorry OP, but are you really that desperate to be in a relationship that you would put up with this twat? Boot him out.

It’s your mum’s home, and she was there first. Kick the cocklodger out on his ear.

You sound like a wonderful daughter, op. The set up you have with your mum sounds great. I love that she has her own living room in which to entertain her friends. He has come in and tried to spoil it all. You have had some very good responses and now know what to do. Good luck.

This sounds just like my brother in law. He feels threatened by a sweet elderly lady... pathetic. He refuses to eat her cooking and talks over her when she tries to join in conversation at the dinner table. If she purchases food items, he says they are no good so she is now afraid to buy anything. He invents situations in the home that "only" he can fix... such as restarting the internet hub or flicking the switch when a fuse has blown, just to make himself feel important. He keeps my sister and my mum waiting a good long time when these things happen and won't show them how to do it for themselves.

Tell this loser to go, OP. You only get one Mum in your lifetime.

Wow, he is a real bludging cocklodger! He saw you coming didn't he. He's got it made, a house he pays nothing for and a woman doing his cooking and cleaning. Bloody hell what a scumbag he is. He manipulated you alright. Tell him if anyone moves out, it will be him. In fact, kick him out now. He's worthless and useless anyway, so kick him to gutter and be gone with him.

Get rid of him I pity your poor mum vile man knew the situation when he moved in.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Yes, you are unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is. Tell him to leave. If you are happy sharing your home with someone helpful and supportive (your mother) let her stay.

Yes your unreasonable to expect the living situation to continue as it is. There's no right and wrong here. You each want different things. There are multiple options ranging from you split up; he gets his own place or your mum moves out.
Just how 'elderly' is your mum? If she's under 65 say was your plan to live together till she died? If so maybe you should have made that clearer. I'd consider living with someone who had children but not addition people in tow. How did your mum get to live with you? Is there a reason she ca t get her own place? You dont need to kick her out onto the street, but you ought think about how this will impact long term on relationships. Maybe your mum would be up for it.

Wow, that's a bit of a leap!

I have a feeling this was his plan all along. Worm his way in, feet under the table, get your mum out. How long did you know each other for before he moved in? I'd bet my hat on it that he'll have your kids, once they're older and more independent minded, in his sights next.

Face it, as time goes on your mum is likely to become more frail and less able to do as much for you and herself. I would feel extremely anxious knowing there was an adult male in the same house who didn't want her there.

You can just say that you think the reality of living with an in law has been harder than he imagined but had he made negative comments about her presence in the house before he moved in, then you'd not now be living together.

He's needs to go.

I wouldn’t kick your mother out op. As you said, he was very much aware of the situation before he moved in and seemed happy with it before. I wouldn’t choose to live with my in laws but I also wouldn’t ask my dh to kick them out if they already lived with him.
If he wants a place just the two of you (and your children) then that’s different, youd both be contributing to a shared mortgage/ house then but he moved into a set up house.
I fully understand the coming home from work and wanting a quiet house but You’ve made adjustments to the living situation to try ease things but it’s not worked so it’s sadly either your mum or him and I know who I’d be asking to leave.

Bye boyfriend!
He knew the situation and obviously thought he could move in and change it.
Ugh what a nasty pos. I’d get all his stuff together in bags and boxes ready to go for when he gets home from his hard day in the office. No warning, just out. See ya!

Major red flag. What a horrible man. It'll be your kids next he'll want moving out, so end the relationship with him now and don't let your mother move anywhere.

I'd kick him out for sure, but how did your mother end up in this position (living off her child)?

I can't even think why you would ask AIBU. It's him that wants throwing out
Your poor mum.Where are your loyalties and compassion.

Another MN quirk, families must be separated into the smallest units possible. I think it sounds like a lovely setup because they have a huge house. Would it be better for her to be in a nursing home?

Get rid of him. He is a controlling cocklodger.

Im not saying discussion about the mum moving out, I'm talking about him discussing how he feels. Its fine for him to say he's realised he cant cope with the situation and have a discussion about how he's feeling and why and see if there's any solutions. No one should put up and shut up because they knew the situation. This world needs a hell of lot more communication not less.

Personally I think he's a cocklodger. I was simply saying if he was a decent bloke and this had happened he would discuss it as in discuss how he's feeling and see if there's anything that can be tweaked. Solution does not equal DM moving out, it could be him living somewhere else part time or moving out completely or some small changes to how things are done. Saying people should put up and shut up in relationships is appalling. My abusive stbxh would have been right on board with that idea.

My Dad helped us financially over the years and never wanted a penny back. When Mum died he moved in with us and even now my sons look back fondly on all the 'adventures' they had with Grandad when they were little. There was no 'living off' me, his child. It was our privilege to share some years of living WITH him. And I wish to God he was still here.

Edit as I forgot to link back to OP, I was so taken aback by the 'living off' phrase: We don't know the background to their arrangement and it sounds harmonious until that scumbag moved in.

Moving this man in also puts your family home at risk, so I’m hoping you’ve had him sign something that stops him from taking half of what you have?
A friend of mine moved her boyfriend in and after a few years she had to sell her home of 26 years and give him half of her profit. She worked hard to keep that house after her marriage broke down, only to have this weasel take it from her. He paid her dig money, not enough to cover half the mortgage but just enough to cover his utility usage. She knows now that she should have been smarter but she now lives in a council house and has no inheritance for her children.